100 days of Tony Stark Madness
by shadowsontherun
Summary: As the Avengers start to learn how to live together nothing will prepare them for the chaos that follows in the footsteps of Tony Stark. Watch how one man skillfully drives an elite crime fighting team of superheroes completely insane. He's got a suit, a hulk and a brain used for depravity that knows no bounds. Be prepared to laugh till your heart stops.
1. Chapter 1

**100 days of Tony Stark moments **

**Day 1: How to troll a demi-god **

"Whatcha doing?" Tony asked, staring over Thor broad shoulders as he sat on the ground surrounded by his mystical mojo.

"I am creating a memento for my mother's day of birth." Thor replied.

"Why?" Tony asked.

"Because it is an Asgard tradition for the eldest son to present their mother with a handmade gift at the beginning of their 5000th year of life." Thor said as he continued to craft his creation.

"Why?"

"Because the Alfather started the tradition 10 million years ago."

"Why?"

"They do not know the exact reason why he started the tradition. It was nice, so we decided to continue it."

"Why?"

"Because mothers are considered very important on Asgard. They nurture and teach our young."

"Why?"

"Because that is their duty Tony! Why are you asking so many questions today?"

"What is Stark doing?" Steve asked perplexed.

"He's trolling Thor – unsuccessfully of course." Clint said while coughing into his hand to hide his laughter.

"What does trolling mean? It has nothing to do with actual trolls right?" The Cap asked warily.

"Nope. Trolling is the art of deliberately, cleverly, and secretly pissing people off without them realizing that is your goal. The point is to make your victim truly believe in what you are saying - no matter how outrageous." Clint replied.

"I think Stark is missing the point – Thor isn't getting angrier – he's getting more confused." Steve pointed out.

"Why?"

"Stark if you ask why one more time – I will squish you with my mighty hammer!" Thor roared.

"Never mind. I think he was successful." Steve said as he watched Tony inch towards the door.

"Why?" Tony couldn't help but asked one more time, before fleeing for his life with an anger demi-god hot on his trail.

**Day 2: How to make a man turn green in under 10 seconds **

Tony and Clint leaned against a wall hidden from view of the lab Bruce Banner has deemed his domain – even though it belonged to Tony at the end of the day.

"Why am I helping you again?" Clint asked miserably. Tony held up his credit card.

"Because I am the only one who can afford to pay for a lavish two week vacation at a resort in Monte Carlo, fit for a 10 year anniversary – anything less and she might kill you." He said gleefully. Clint sighed in defeat.

"What is your brilliant plan Stark? I'm not really keen on dying today." Clint said warily. Tony grinned evilly in response.

"Well throwing eggs at him doesn't work – it just gets me thrown around harder during missions. Tazzering his geeky ass also doesn't work– he's used to it by now. Neither did dropping a scorpion down his shirt – but that one was close. So this time we're going to upgrade the entire operation and do a variation of all three. And just to be thorough I put some fabric eating powder in his pants an hour ago so when he stands up – his bottoms fall down." Tony explained as he started to unscrew a vent beside him.

"Okay…I hope you don't die in the process – I'll need you alive to finish our deal. But why are we using the vents?" Clint asked, dreading the response.

"_I_ am going to use the vents. _You_, on the other hand are going to walk right in there and make him stand up after I give you're the signal." Tony said removing the metal screen from the wall.

"And what's the signal?" Clint asked as he started to regret this deal more and more after each passing second.

"The scorpion." Tony replied simply. Clint banged his forehead against the wall.

"Find a happy place. Find a happy place." He muttered to himself.

"Don't worry snippy! I got it all under control." Tony said as he crawled into the vent. "Get into the lab Clint – it's game time." Tony's voice echoed from inside the vent. Clint shook his head and headed towards the lab. If there was ever such thing as a walk of shame – this was it.

"Hey Bruce." Clint said tentatively walking into the lab. Bruce looked up at him and smiled.

"Hello Clint. How are you?"

"Um…I've been better." He said hesitantly.

"Is something wrong Clint?" He asked worriedly.

"We'll always be buddies no matter what, right Bruce?" He said anxiously.

"Well yeah…but you're kind of starting to freak me out. What's wrong?" A tiny object fell from the ceiling and onto Bruce's head.

"What was that?" He asked in confused.

"Here – you should get up. Maybe that part of the roof is broken." Clint said helpfully. Bruce nodded and went to stand up when his pants dropped to the floor. They both looked down and then at each other. Bruce's eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Tony quickly shot an electric dart through the gap between the folds in the vent. It made direct contact with the back of the doctor's neck and caused the poor scientist to freeze up and his body to spasm. Bruce fell forward and leaned heavily against the table – trying to catch his ragged breath. _Dang_ that looked like it was over 500 volts…

"Just so you know – I was blackmailed into doing this." Clint said desperately.

"Oh you guys asked for it. You want angry? I'll give you angry." Bruce said breathing heavily. His heart monitor was beeping like crazy.

Clint gulped as he fearfully backed away from the pulsing man.

"Get ready to run for your life Barton." He said darkly. Clint started to see a little green in the doctor's eyes and hightailed it out of there.

A gigantic _roar_ ripped through the air behind him. That was _not_ a good sign. He turned a corner and saw Tony making his way out of the vent. He ran right past him.

"Did it work?" He asked curiously. Clint kept running.

"You're going to find out the hard way if you don't start running Stark!" He shouted over his shoulder. Tony turned around and nearly got rammed in the face with a green fist. He ducked and saw the huge hulk fist shaped hole in the wall.

"Oh shit!" Tony said before sprinting down the hall after the master assassin. He caught up with the archer and they both dived for the exit with an angry Hulk not far behind.

"Stop following me Stark!" Clint said as he pushed open the exit door leading to the staircase with his shoulder and flying down the stairs.

"Can't do that Barton! Two targets means his attention is 50% _not_ on me." Tony said running right behind him. They heard a huge _crash_ up above and watched in horror as a door fell through the air right past them.

"What do we do now?" Clint shouted over the ear shattering _roar_.

"I don't know! I didn't think we'd get this far!" Tony shouted back as they ran into another floor. Thundering footsteps were heard not far behind. _BOOM. BOOM. BOOM._ The entire building was now shaking.

"WHAT? You just unleashed the beast and you didn't plan for the result?" Clint shrieked as the Hulk burst into the room. Everyone froze.

Tony stared at Clint.

Clint stared at Tony.

Hulk glared down at them both with his angry green eyes.

"HULK SMASH ANNOYING TIN MAN AND HAWK!" He boomed.

"RUN!" They shouted as they dashed down the hall and ducked under a table to avoid a computer that was being chucked at their heads. Clint rolled over and vigorously shook Tony by his collar.

"If we survive this I'm going to freaking kill you!" He whispered harshly. The both looked up when the table above their heads disappeared.

"HULK SMASH TINY LIAR!"

Clint abruptly dropped Tony and barely missed the table aimed at his head. He rolled to the side and watched in fear as the Hulk turned towards a cowering Tony Stark.

"Now buddy – you know I love you right?" Tony said desperately. He frantically looked around for a way out.

"HULK SMASH ANNOYING MAN WITH SMELLY HAIR!" The hulk raised a cabinet above his head.

"Now that was just rude." He said before diving behind another cubicle.

_**3 hours later. **_

In a SHEILD hospital not too far away.

Tony and Clint lay side by side on identical hospital beds grinning for two very different reasons. They had matching neck braces and bruises ribs. Tony had a black eye and Clint had a weird twitch going on. Bruce Banner sat in front of their room completely unscratched – but _extremely_ annoyed. He might just hulk out again if he looked at those two bozos for too long.

"Success!" Tony says with a pitiful fist pump. Clint rolled his eyes.

"Whatever – you better up hold your end of the deal Stark." Clint warned as he gingered rubbed his shoulder – _damn_, that Hulk can throw a person far.

"Where are they?" Two extremely angry voiced asked in unison. They stood side by side – varying levels of red hair flaming behind them with their hands planted directly on their hips. Bruce didn't feel so angry anymore – _justice_ was to be served. He pointed to room behind him. The girls walked through the door and stared down at the two broken men.

"Hello Pepper." Tony said with a weak grin.

"Hey Tasha." Clint greeted with a slight wince.

Natasha and Pepper greeted their boys…

…with two very loud resounding _SLAPS_!

"Oh my _god_!"

"Ouch! That _hurt_!"

"WHAT WERE YOU TWO THINKING?" They shouted at the same time.

"It was his idea!" Clint said defensively. He gently rubbed his wounded cheek. Tony stared at him as if to say _you_ _traitor!_ Now two pairs of fiery eyes were focused on him.

"I plea the 5th!" He tried weakly.

"What did you black mail him with?" Natasha asked dangerously. He gulped.

"I can't tell you it's a surprise!" He said fearfully. Pepper's eyes widened.

"That was a gift Tony! We were going to give the trip to them anyway!" She said heatedly. Clint's head whipped towards Tony's bed.

"WHAT? I went through all that pain for _nothing_?!" He shouted.

"It's okay honey – it's the thought that counts." Natasha said soothingly. She kissed Clint on his injured cheek. Tony pouted.

"Where's my get better kiss?" He whined.

_WHACK!_

"Oh my god! _My arm_!"

**Day 3: How payback can be a bitch **

The team was having some down time after a series of intense missions. Pepper and Natasha were quietly conversing in the corner, while Tony was trying to explain to Thor how a TV works. He was being extremely animated, jumping up and down and waving his arms towards the gigantic television screen plastered to his wall.

"You see? The little LED lights behind the glass change colour so that the shapes on the screen with also change." Tony said very slowly.

"So these magical lights make these people appear behind the glass?" Thor asked in confusion. Tony shook his head desperately.

"No! Those people are actors! We use cinematic technology to film them and broadcast these shows across the country!" Tony tried once again.

Bruce and Steve stood next to the bar and watched Tony try and teach Thor the Midgardian version of entertainment. They laughed among themselves – he was failing miserably.

"How long do you think Tony will last before he gets fed up?" Steve asked. Bruce shrugged.

"Personally I think Thor is going to smash his TV with his mighty hammer to free the people from their imprisonment." Bruce said with an evil grin. Steve nodded gravely.

"Yeah – he just might."

"Do you think we should tell the girls to move before that happens?" Bruce asked thoughtfully.

"Nah, Natasha will be able to get them both behind the counter before any glass starts flying." Steve said confidently.

"Does anyone care what I think?" Clint asked as he picked up a pile of darts and started throwing them at the board across the room. He made a perfect shot every single time.

"Nope." The two replied. Clint rolled his eyes and stared at his last dart. His bulls-eye section on the board was full.

"So you're saying that the people are not real but at the same time they are? That this camera traps them in a box and ships them across the land?" Thor asked even more confused. He truly was a lost cause.

"Ugh! I give up!" Tony said as he threw he hands up in the air in defeat.

Suddenly a dart stabbed Tony in the ass.

"WHAT THE HELL?" He shouted jumping around.

"Sorry I missed." Clint said blankly.

"How the hell do you miss?" Tony asked angrily.

"Hawkeye never misses a shot." Bruce whispered to Steve.

**Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass **

What do you guys think? Do you have any Tony related requests?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 – 100 days of Tony Stark Madness **

A/N: Thank you everyone who reviewed and gave me their suggestions! I will try to include as many of them as possible! Enjoy!

**Day 4: When JARVIS catches the fluBUG virus – run for your lives **

_Inspired by: soccerkeeper6_

10 stories above the business section of Avengers Tower Natasha was having a very big problem.

"Who the hell puts a control panel system beside a gun powder machine?" She shouted as she tried to take out the flames that had erupted from the sparking bundle of wires. When the fire become too large she gave up and started running for the exit. She ran down the hall and turned a corner just in time to see a few unfortunate SHEILD agents walking out of the elevator.

"If you want to live - start running!" She shouted as she ran past them. They looked in the direction she was coming from and all the colour drained from their faces as a huge fireball emerged from around the corner. They dropped their files and ran after her.

"STARK!"

In another corner of Avengers Tower, Bruce Banner and Thor were staring at the robots that were zooming down the hall and throwing themselves out the window. They were very confused. One robot stopped in front of the two men and raised its tiny hands towards them.

"Join us." It said in its squeaky robotic voice. They froze in fear. A huge group of robots suddenly stopped suiciding for a second and surrounded the two superheroes.

"Join us!" They said in unison. Thor and Bruce stared at each other.

"RUN!" They shouted before dashing down the hall with a horde of crazy robots chasing after them.

"TONY!"

In a not so distant bathroom an innocent Captain was taking a shower. He was singing the national anthem to himself when suddenly his warm shower turned freezing cold.

"STARK!"

While all this was happening, downstairs Pepper was busily working in her office trying to appease another stakeholder that the company was in good hands and that Tony Stark would not burn down the company building anytime soon – _hopefully_ she added in her head.

"Yes I understand perfectly sir. I am CEO of Stark Industries and I will personal make sure your money is invested into our most promising projects." She said confidently. She pulled up a new tab on her computer and noticed all her files were jumping around the screen. She furrowed her brow in confusion and looked around. The photocopy machine was going crazy and she heard a large commotion begin down the hall. If she dared to look out her office window she was sure she would see utter chaos.

"I'm going to have to call you back sir – I have an urgent matter to attend to." She said slowly as she put the phone down. She pinched the tip of her nose before she built enough patience to open her door without screaming. She might as well have walked right into a battlefield. The lights were flickering on and off, her employees were cowering in a corner as a cleaning machine zoomed by and she felt a mighty headache build at the back of her head.

"ANTHONY EDWARD STARK!"

In a messy lab many floors below the surface.

"What was that? It sounds like mayhem that was not caused by moi." Tony said perking up.

"My apologies sir – but I think I am sick. I believe - _glitch_- that I have caught - _glitch_- the fluBUG virus." The robotic voice of JARVIS replied to Tony's rhetorical question.

"The what?" Tony asked in confusion.

"The fluBUG virus Sir. It is a functionality break- _glitch_- in some of my internal - _glitch_- main frame codes." JARVIS explained.

"What does that mean exactly JARVIS?" Tony asked warily as he heard a thunder of footsteps coming down the stairs that led to his lab.

"I have lost all control of the electronic systems in the building Sir." If an Al could sound remorseful – that would be it.

Tony groaned as his glass door burst open and an army of people filed through.

"STARK!" They said angrily in unison. Tony spun around in his chair and nearly burst out laughing – if he didn't fear for his life in that moment.

In front of him stood 4 very angry people. Pepper was fuming with pieces of paper stuck in her hair, while Natasha stood beside her covered in black powder – both giving him equally deathly glares. Beside them stood an out of breath Bruce and Thor who were both covered in little metal arms. Steve walked in a little late with his hair still full of soap. Natasha was the first person to move in the epic standoff.

"Tell us something we want to hear or I will blow your head off." Natasha said dangerously as she leveled her gun with his forehead. He gulped and raised his hands in the air.

"It's not my fault! JARVIS has a virus!" He squeaked.

"How does the most advanced Al in the world have a virus Stark?" She asked digging the gun further into his head.

"I don't know! I'll figure it out – please don't shoot me!" He begged desperately.

"He's telling the truth Natasha." Pepper interrupted the interrogation. Natasha removed the gun from his person and he sighed in relief.

"Everyone is here expect for Clint – where is he?" Bruce asked curiously.

Pepper groaned and hid her face behind her shredded files. "He was fixing our sewage system." She replied weakly.

_Ploop. Ploop. Ploop. _

Everyone slowly turned towards the entrance. Tony hid behind a counter in fear for his life.

"My apologies- _glitch_- once more Sir." JARVIS said before the glass door banged open and shattered against the wall.

The last person to join the party was completely unidentifiable, since he was covered in what appeared to be mud from head to toe. The only indication otherwise was that he stank _really_ badly. Everyone took one gigantic step away. They also saw the arrow in the man's shaking hands and gulped.

"Before anyone leaves this room I _will_ find out who did this. And before you ask about the smell – _think_ about what I can do with this arrow." He said dangerously.

Everyone wisely remained silent.

**Day 5: Never get Captain America drunk – ever again**

_Inspired by: Moviemuncher_

Tony poured in the last ingredient into his fabulous new invention. He grinned when the mixture turned bright green – it was perfect! After three sleepless nights of tirelessly slaving over this formula –it was finally complete!

"Success!" Tony shouted as he held up his creation for Bruce to see. Bruce was always wary of Tony's prototype inventions – they had a tendency to explode 90 percent of the time. He looked up and saw a disgustingly green coloured liquid sitting in a test tube Tony was holding as far away from himself as possible. He knew he should start backing away at this point – but he dared to ask first.

"What is that?" Bruce asked cautiously. If it was even possible he thinks Tony's grin widened even more.

"This – my clothing challenged friend…" Tony began dramatically as Bruce scowled. "Is the most potent alcoholic drink ever known to mankind!" He said with childlike excitement. Bruce was even more wary now.

"I refuse to drink that." Bruce said firmly. Tony continued to grin while shaking his head.

"Oh no, it's not for you buddy – it's for the Captain." Tony said with glee. Bruce sighed – he could already see that this was not going to end well.

_5 minutes later._

"Oh _Captain_!" Tony said in a sing-song voice as he walked into Avengers common room with a reluctant Bruce Banner trailing behind him. Everyone ignored him and continued with whatever they were doing. Natasha and Pepper were still mad at him for the Hulk incident, while Thor and Clint and Steve seemed to be extremely engrossed with the TV – the concept of which Tony had finally managed to dumb down enough for Thor to understand; _'You look at it – for fun!' _was Tony's last resort. Hallelujah it worked.

"Oh come on! I have something really cool to show you guys!" Tony pouted when it was evident that no one was listening to him.

_Silence. _

"I want to challenge Cap to a drinking contest!" Tony tried again – _that_ got their attention. The boys looked up to see Tony standing there with a case full of dubious content and a wary Doctor beside him.

"You lost miserably the last 6 times you challenged me Stark – do you really want to make a fool of yourself a 7th time?" Steve asked bewilderedly. Tony brushed off his comment with a wave of his hand.

"This time it will different – trust me." He said with an evil grin. Now Steve was suspicious – but he could never pass up an opportunity to one up Stark – the man _was_ a genius. He rolled his eyes and got off the couch.

"Okay so what are we drinking?" He asked as he took a seat beside the coffee table in the middle of the room. Tony smirked and dropped the case down beside him, before taking out several shot glasses for himself and only 3 for Steve. Now _that_ intrigued the girls enough to suspend their righteous anger at Stark and come over to see what he was playing at.

"_I_ will be drinking Vodka, and you will be drinking – _this_." Tony said as he pulled up a small container of homemade looking liquid.

"Why is mine green?" Steve asked immediately.

"You said that no alcoholic drink on earth ever could make you drunk because of your fast metabolism right?" Tony said gleefully practically jumping up and down. Steve nodded slowly.

"Yes…" The captain answered warily.

"So I have spent the last three days creating the strongest booze imaginable!" Tony declared.

Everyone stared at him.

"How do you know that? Did you try it?" Natasha asked curiously.

"Oh god no. Anyone who is does not have a super soldier serum pulsing through their veins or is not a demi-god would die instantly from alcohol poisoning." Tony replied.

"No way!" Steve said instantly.

"Don't be a chicken Captain! You once drank an entire bar out of their stock and still didn't get drunk! If that didn't cause you to have alcohol poison - nothing will!" Tony insisted. Steve narrowed his eyes.

"I'm not a chicken Stark – I just don't want to die." He said firmly.

"_Chicken_." Tony said with a roll of his eyes. Steve stared him down.

"Clint?" He asked without looking away from Tony. "Do you have Agent Hill's number on speed dial?"

"Yes…" Clint said slowly.

"Good. In the unlikely case that I _do_ pass out make sure she calls SHEILD medical." He said as he pulled the green container towards him.

"Sure thing buddy." Clint said warily. _Oh joy._

"Get ready to eat your words Stark. I'm going drink this entire bottle while you take your tiny shots of watered down Vodka. Then we'll see who's a chicken." Steve said darkly.

"Um…I wouldn't do the whole bottle Cap…" Tony said cautiously. When Tony Stark was cautious – you take notice, but the Cap never turned down a true challenge so he ignored him and chugged the entire bottle in one go. He slammed the container down on the table – and burped. Everyone watched him anxiously.

"How do you feel?" Pepper asked worriedly.

"Are you nauseous?" Bruce asked.

"Do we need to take you to the ER?" Clint threw in there for good measure.

"I feel…woozy." Steve replied wobbling from side to side.

The whole room _gasped_.

_5 more minutes later._

The team watched in horror as the Captain tried to swim across the wooden floor in his patriotic boxers – _how the hell did he get out of his clothes that fast?_

"Nemo!" Steve said with glee as he hugged an orange pillow. "I will _love_ you and take care of you until the day I die!" He said lovingly.

Their horror intensified tenfold. Tony was in the corner laughing his heart out.

"He's a happy drunk." Natasha stated in disbelief.

"It's a miracle he's drunk at all." Bruce said warily.

Steve looked up at the group of people watching him and his moment with Nemo the pillow.

"Um…Cap…" Clint said as he stepped forward hesitantly. Steve wobbled away from him and hissed.

"Mine Nemo! Mine! You can't have him!" He shouted protectively holding the pillow to his chest. Tony now had actual tears rolling down his face.

"No, no! I didn't mean I was going to take your pillow away! I just thought you should put your pants back on!" Clint tried again desperately. The girls noticed the fiery look in the Captain's eye and started inching towards the elevator.

"He's a fish! A _clownfish_! Not a pillow! You're a liar!" Steve shouted as he threw his shield in their direction in his rage. Everyone ducked and looked back at him fearfully.

"Okay! Okay! It's a fish! But why is he is out of water huh?" Clint said.

Steve stared down at the pillow and furrowed his brow in confusion. A look of horror crossed his face.

"HE'S _DEAD_?" He said in shock before bursting into tears. He sobbed into the pillow.

"I'm sorry Nemo! I'm sorry couldn't be a good father to you! Why did you have to die?" He wailed as everyone started to slowly back away.

"I take it back – he's an emotional drunk." Natasha deadpanned. Pepper nodded.

"Tony do you have any more of this brilliant concoction of yours?" Thor asked in amusement.

"NO!" Was the resounding undisputed opinion of the room.

**Day 6: When Thor has a fever – may god help you **

_Dedicated to: My favorite anonymous reviewer – you made my day _

Bruce was diligently working on his research sitting his lab when he heard a loud crack of thunder that interrupted his thoughts. He looked up from his work – that was odd. He was in the basement 3 stories below the surface. There was _no_ _way_ thunder could be heard this far underground. Curious to what was going on he got up and opened the door to his lab.

He was drenched within seconds - the _entire_ hallway was flooded with rain water.

"What's going on?" He asked bewilderedly. He looked around and realized the whole hall was empty – that was odd – usually the rest of the team was not far away from an incident like this. Huh. He wondered where they were. He looked up and the ceiling and groaned. There were _storm clouds _above his head.

"Why? Why me?" He asked as another crack of thunder rolled through the hall.

What follows thunder you may ask?

"_Oh shit."_ Bruce said as he dived through the entrance of his lab with a streak of lightning hot on his trail.

_2 minutes later._

A smoking and scorched scientist was half crawling/half swimming through the flooded halls of Avengers Tower with a pillow over his head.

"Where is everybody?" He asked himself as he reached the emergency exit and started climbing up the stairs. Surprisingly there were no clouds on the first floor. He was too tired to climb the stairs all the way to the Avengers common room and so he took the elevator.

"Good afternoon Doctor Banner." The people in the elevator greeted him. He nodded back warily. None of the Stark employees even batted an eye at his soaked clothes that had burn marks on them. There was something seriously wrong with this company if the employees were used to oddities such as this.

He got off at the 57th floor and walked down the hall towards the entrance of the common room.

"I don't know why I'm surprised anymore – but I don't think there are supposed to be storm clouds indoors – let all underground." He said as he walked inside. Bruce froze and stared at the scene in front of him. The first thing he noticed was that room was an absolute _mess_. Books and broken furniture were scattered everywhere and there was scorch marks all over the floor. That was not a good sign.

It looked like a _warzone_.

"Hey! Bruce! Over here!" A voiced whispered from the corner. It was then that Bruce saw the cowering group of Earth's mightiest heroes who were hiding behind a turned over couch backed up against a table. He looked around and saw a feverish red faced Thor lying on another couch on the other side of the room.

"Quickly Bruce – get my phone!" Tony whispered from under the tiny fortress they had built out of pillows and tables.

"What are you guys doing?" Bruce asked as he picked up the fallen red device and handed it through the gap between the pillows and the wooden table.

"Does anyone know Jane Foster's number?" Tony asked the little crowd of avengers behind him – everyone shook their head no.

"Darn – we're out of luck then." Tony said miserably chucking his phone onto the ground.

All eyes flew to the sound of a groan that erupted from the obviously sick demi-god. He looked like he was about to sneeze.

"Oh my god – not again!" Steve groaned as he covered his head with his shield.

"Oh shit. _Duck_ Bruce duck!" Clint shouted worriedly.

"What? Why?" He asked as he turned around just in time to see a flash of white light hit in the chest. He flew back and hit the wall.

There was a loud _roar_, followed by the sound of ripping clothes. Everyone in the fort groaned in unison.

"Great, like a lightning sneezing demi-god wasn't bad enough, now we have a Hulk." Natasha said with a sigh.

**Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass**

Ahem. Ladies and gentlereaders! My name is Tony Stark and I have been paid an undisclosed amount of money to give this speech today! After easily hacking into this site I have come to the sad conclusion that you do not appreciate my awesomeness (someone throws a peanut at him) - thank you! I love peanuts! A peanut for your thoughts maybe? Hmm? Everyone can spare a moment to give a small peanut right? What's that? It's call a review? Lies! That is not in my contract! Anyway peanuts oh mighty readers! Remember the peanuts!

**A/N: If you guys have any funny requests they will be considered for the upcoming chapters!**


	3. Chapter 3

**100 days of Tony Stark Madness **

**Chapter 3 **

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! Wow! You guys have some great ideas! **

**Day 7: The 3 days a month when all the male avengers suddenly disappear **

_Inspired by: __TheFurturist_

Pepper walked into the Avengers common room and wondered where everyone was. Natasha was quietly sitting in a chair reading a book.

"Where are all the boys?" She asked curiously. "I haven't seen any of them since yesterday." Natasha smiled serenely.

_Yesterday_.

"Tony!" Clint shouted as he bounded down the stairs that led to the genius' not so secret lab. Tony swore as he shocked himself trying to connect an important wire to his suit.

"What is it Clint? Can't you see I'm busy here?" Tony said angrily. Barton burst into his lab and shoved a calendar in his face.

"It's the 17th tomorrow! What do we do?" He asked frantically.

"What do you mean..._oh_..." Tony said as he stared at the three days circled in red. He jumped up and grabbed the calendar out of Clint's hand.

"Quick! Round up the others! We need to evacuate Avengers Tower pronto!" Tony said hurriedly moving around his lab trying to find the keys to his car.

"But where will we go? Nowhere is safe!" Clint said hysterically. Tony placed his hands on Clint's shoulders and shook the hysterical man.

"Leave it all to me – go find the others." He instructed calmly. Clint nodded in daze and walked away.

"JARVIS!" Tony shouted as he turned his lab upside down trying to find those darn keys.

"Yes Sir." The Al replied.

"Activate code Blackhawk!" Tony said as he looked underneath the table. "And help me location these damn keys!" He said as looked up and banged his head against the table. "Oh my god, we're so screwed."

_5 minutes later. _

Tony paced back and forth in front of the entire avengers team minus one.

"You know why we're all here?" Tony asked. Everyone nodded wildly. "We have officially initiated Code Blackhawk – we have T-minus 3 hours to get the _hell_ away from here." He said as he looked at each of them in the eye.

"Ohana means family. And family means no one gets left behind – understood?" He said firmly. They all nodded once more.

"But where will we go Tony?" Thor asked in confusion.

"Go pack your bags - we're going to my Malibu mansion boys!" Tony proclaimed.

"What's there to do in Malibu?" Bruce asked. Tony and Clint shared an evil smile.

"We're going to make brownies!" Clint stated mischievously.

"Brownies? Really?" Bruce deadpanned. Tony sighed dramatically.

"Oh Bruce – not just any brownies…_special_ brownies." He said with a wag of his eyebrows.

"_Weed_ brownies." Clint whispered.

"Why would we make brownies out of wild and potentially annoying vegetation?" Thor asked perplexed.

Everyone face palmed.

_Exactly 1 month ago. _

Natasha groaned. She felt like shit – her stomach hurt, her eyes hurt and she had a massive headache. There was loud music playing downstairs and it was getting on her last nerve. Who played club music _that_ loud at 11 in the morning?

The door to the Avengers common room burst open and banged against the wall.

Everyone froze when they saw the murderous look in Natasha's eyes. Tony was still dancing to his jam because his back was facing the door. Steve reached out and stopped the poor man before he got punched in the face.

"Turn. It. Off." She said in a deadly calm voice. They gulped. Bruce got up and pressed the pause button. She continued to stare them down until she was satisfied and turned to walk away.

5 minutes later.

Natasha was trying to go back to sleep when suddenly she heard a loud series of banging and things breaking coming from their joint kitchen. Her eyes narrowed – that was the last straw.

"GET OUT! AND STAY OUT!" She screamed while slamming the door in their faces.

"Did she just throw us out of my own company building?" Tony asked incredulously.

"When it's the time of the month Tony – nothing is sacred anymore." Clint replied rubbing his injured head.

Thor and Cap were still in shock cowering in the corner.

"That's it! We are not going to deal with this!" Tony declared. Clint looked at him fearfully.

"What are we going to do?" Clint asked.

"We must fight…to run away!" Tony said valiantly before dashing over to his car.

"What? That's you're brilliant plan? Avoid Avengers Tower 3 days a month? What kind of hero _are_ you?" Clint said bewilderedly.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU OVERGROWN POTATO HEAD?" They heard a voice scream. They looked up and watched in horror as a desk was thrown out a 10th floor window and crashed into the ground right in front of them.

"You were saying?"Tony asked dryly.

"Move over – I'm coming with you."

_Present day. _

Natasha continued to smile – the silence around the tower was peaceful. It was nice to have a mutual understanding.

"Their having a 3 day boy's night out – isn't that adorable?" She said cheerfully.

**Day 8: Tony Stark challenges all you wimpy avengers to a massive snowball fight **

_Inspired by: PercyJacksonTheAwesome – you are definitely awesome _

They all stood outside the Avengers common room and stared at the little piece of paper stuck to the door.

'_I, Tony Stark challenge all you wimpy avengers to a massive snowball fight behind the Avengers Tower at 3 o'clock this afternoon. Every man (and creepy spider) for themselves! Be there or be square!'_

"He's so weird…who _says_ that anymore?" Clint asked after reading the note. The rest of them shrugged.

"Well I am sick of sitting inside all day, every day, so I'm going to have some fun and kick Stark's butt while I'm at it for that comment." Natasha said as she turned away to go find her coat and gloves. Stark was going _down_.

Clint turned towards the other 3 avengers.

"What do you think?" He asked.

"I think this is a glorious idea! I have never been a part of a snowball fight before!" Thor's voice boomed down the hall. They winced from the volume and Clint turned towards the Captain and Bruce.

"How about you guys? You up for one on one freezing fun time?" He asked. Bruce shrugged and Cap looked sheepish. He mumbled something too quiet for them to hear.

"What was that Cap?" He said leaning forward.

"I said I've never had a snowball fight either!" He said a bit louder. Bruce and Clint stared at him in shock.

"You didn't have snowball fights back in the 40's?" Clint asked. Steve looked even more embarrassed now.

"No we did – I was just never invited." He said awkwardly. Clint whistled softly and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Well we are inviting you now – but just be prepared to lose miserably Cap –_ because I'm going to win this thing baby!_" He cackled as he ran down the hall and out of sight. Steve narrowed his eyes.

"Bruce – how do you win a snowball fight?" He asked dangerously.

"Last person standing without being snowballed Cap." Bruce replied warily. Steve nodded and walked off muttering to himself. "I will bury that Hawk alive."

Bruce sighed – something told him this would not end well.

_10 minutes later. _

The entire avengers team was standing in the snow, decked out in their winter gear. In front of them was the most gigantic snow maze they've ever seen.

"You know when Stark says he going to do something – there is something called overkill he just doesn't understand." Clint said dryly.

"Hello tributes! Today we are here to see who will be the last man or spider standing after an epic battle of snow warfare within the walls of my lovely snow fortress. If you try to leave the game any time before the last tribute is chosen you will be shot down by my lovely robots stationed in unseen locations. There are six entrances around the maze – choose wisely – it may cost you your life." Tony's voice echoed around the field.

"He's really melodramatic." Natasha deadpanned.

"The sad thing is he's probably dead serious – he will likely bury us before we could get out." Steve said with a sigh.

"Good luck folks – we are _not_ a team today." Clint said as he walked off to find an entrance.

"He's _so_ asking for it." Natasha whispered to Bruce as they watched the Captain glare daggers into Clint's back before walking towards a different side of the maze.

"Maybe they'll take each other out before any of us have to." He whispered back before heading off to find his own entrance.

"Oh I don't care about them – if I can get Stark I will lose happily." She said darkly before leaving as well.

Thor came running out of the building 2 seconds later and looked around.

"Where have all my comrades gone?" Thor asked in confusion. The speaker suddenly turned on once more.

"Hey! Big guy! You're ruining my dramatic effect – hurry up and find an entrance!" Tony shouted through the speaker. Thor quickly hurried off.

"Good luck everyone. And may the odds be ever in your favor." JARVIS' robotic voice took over the speaker.

5

Natasha crouched ready to run.

4

The Captain cracked his knuckles.

3

Thor got his hammer confiscated by a tiny bot – he was extremely angry.

2

Bruce just stood there warily.

1

Clint shoot forward when the countdown was over and quickly crouched down to make a snowball. He ran down one of the paths when he heard a distinct yelp to his right. He carefully walked in that direction and laughed when he found the source. Thor was upside down with his leg caught in a rope which was hanging from poll.

"Two seconds into the game and you're _already_ caught in one of Tony's stupid traps?" Clint said with a huge grin. Thor scoffs and struggles against his binds. Clint shook his head and picked up his snowball.

"No Clint! Please have mercy!" Thor said desperately trying to free himself from the ropes that have entrapped him.

"There is no mercy in the battlefield my friend!" He cackled before throwing a gigantic snow ball straight into Thor's face. He shook his head in slow motion but nothing would stop this now.

"NO! I have been defeated!" Thor roared dramatically when the snow made contact with his face, before pausing. "Is that it?" He asked as Clint stood there grinning.

"Yup – see ya later buddy." He said before skipping off to snow another unsuspecting Avenger.

"Well…that wasn't that bad." Thor said.

"You still lost!" Clint shouted over his shoulder.

A large hologram appeared above the maze. Everyone paused and looked up.

_Thor Odinson of Asgard _

_First Avenger's butt kicked courtesy of Clint Barton _

"He's taking this Hunger Games simulation to a whole new level." Clint said to himself.

Natasha picked up a snow ball and slowly walked through the maze. Stark was a genius - she would give him that – but she was a _goddamn_ spy! And she was going to _pwn_ him damn it!

She heard light shuffling around the corner and steeled herself to whichever avenger she was about to knock out with her snowball whiplash. She leaned against the snow wall before jump out and whipping her snowball straight down the path. She smiled when she heard it make contact with something solid. She looked into the darkness curiously and her eyes widened.

Green eyes stared right back at her through a pile of snow caked on his face. His lips curved into a vicious smile.

"OH HELLNO!" She shouted before racing back from where she came. "WHY ARE WE BACK HERE AGAIN?" She screamed with a raging Hulk chasing after her once more. She just never got a break damn it.

Another large hologram appeared above the maze. Everyone glanced at it while they kept moving.

_Enormous green rage monster AKA Doctor Banner _

_Second Avenger to be snowed courtesy of Resident Spider _

_Also disqualified for being a sore loser _

A roar was heard in the distance when the last line appeared. Clint snorted as he crunched near a corner and waited to see if anyone who happen along his path.

"Hello Katniss." A voice whispered from behind Clint. He spun around and saw no one there.

"I know it's you Stark – we all know you bugged the maze – so why don't you come out here and face me like a real man?" Clint shouted into the silent snow path.

He heard a foot crush some snow and spun around just in time to see the Captain turning the corner. He smirked and stepped forward to throw a snowball at him when he lost balance of his feet and fell through the ground.

"AHHHHHH!" He screamed while flailing his arms trying to slow his fall – _how far down is this freaking hole?_

_Thump!_

Ouch. Sounds like that hurt.

"Looks like you're in a pinch Alice in wonderland." Captain said as he smirked above the hole.

"Piss off pretty boy – Stark will get you too you know!" Clint shouted up from his place at the bottom of the deep hole. He shivered. It was freezing down here!

"You know…I imagined this moment quite differently, but…" Steve said evilly before disappearing from the opening.

"Eat your words with snow SUCKER!" He shouted as he shoved a heap of snow into the hole. He effectively buried the archer alive.

"THAT WASN'T A SNOWBALL! THAT WAS AN AVALACHE!" Clint shouted once he poked his head out of the pile of snow that was thrown on him.

The hologram appeared once more.

_Hawk of the eye AKA Agent Barton _

_Third Avenger to be pwned Courtesy of resident poster boy _

In another part of the maze Natasha has successful tranquilized the Hulk. She crouched with her hands on her knees while breathing raggedly. She looked up and saw the hologram. So that means only Cap and Stark left to go. She got up and started sprinting down another path – she wasn't going to lose to either of them. She turned a corner and came face to face with the Captain himself. They both froze with a snowball in their hands.

"Wait a minute - am I supposed to be Katniss?" She asked bewilderedly.

"Does that make me Peeta?" He asked just as confused.

"THAT'S DISGUSTING!" They shouted at the same time. They circled each other slowly.

"You already got your revenge Cap – I need to get Stark." She said evenly. He narrowed his eyes at her.

"Are you going to take me out to get to him?" He asked just as seriously. She raises her snowball dramatically.

"If I must."

"Wait." He said suddenly. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"What?"

"What if we walk away and first one to get to Stark can have their shot at him?" He asked cautiously.

"How do I know you won't stab me in the back once I turn around?" She asked dangerously.

"Walk backwards and turn the corner at the same time." He said as he started to back away. She watched him warily before she started to move back as well. They both reached the corner and ran in opposite directions before they came face to face with an Iron Man suit.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" They shouted at the same time. Both Iron Men lifted a gigantic snow ball over their heads.

"There was never any rules!" The suit said before they _pwned_ both avengers.

_20 minutes later. _

5 freezing avengers stood in a line outside the maze as they watched a giddy Tony Stark skip around a corner and come to a stop in front of them.

"What did you think about my game?" He asked cheerily. They all glared at him.

"We."

"Are."

"Going."

"To."

"Kill."

"YOU!" They said in unison. Tony gulped as they each took out their own massive snowball.

"Run little Stark _run_." Thor boomed.

Tony squeaked in response.

"Cheaters! Cheaters! This is dodge ball! This is not a snowball fight!" He shouted as he ran for his life. He ducked as a supersonic snowball flew past his head.

'Who cheated first huh?" Natasha shouted while chasing after him with an epic snowball gun.

**Day 9: How to give Fury a heart attack **

_Inspired by: Anime-GuardianAngel_

It was a quiet day on the helicarrier that morning – just how agent Hill liked it. She calmly flowed through her morning routine; she picked up her morning coffee from the cafeteria, grabbed the director's files from the mission room and walked to his office to place the most important folders on his desk before he got there. She was reading a profile on a new active villain when she bumped into an agent who had suddenly stopped walking.

"Agent Salvatori! What's wrong?" She asked looking up.

"Oh…my…god…" Maria said as she dropped her files onto the floor in shock. The _entire_ hallway leading to the director's office was covering in baby photos of _every_ single operative on this ship! Her's was the biggest – she was in a freaking tutu!

She fearfully walked down the hall and opened the door to the Director's office. There was a collective _gasp_ behind her. In front of them they saw the most horrifying image that will forever be engraved in their souls – forever! The director in a 70's Elvis outfit making out with a girl dressed as Britney Spears! With an afro!

"Quick – protocol 101 don't let the director enter his office under any circumstances!" She shouted to all the gaping agents.

"I thought that protocol means not to let him _leave_ his office?" A junior agent asked, still horrified.

"Well obviously we don't have enough time to make a new protocol! Move! Move! Move!" She shouted as half the agents scrambled to go stall the director and the other half quickly started to tear down the pictures – especially their _own_.

"STARK!" An angry voice bellowed a few floors down below.

"_We've failed Agent Hill."_ An agent buzzed over her com link.

"What? How could you fail? He's not even here yet!" She asked incredulously.

"_Um…I think you need to come see the Director's quarters Sir_." The agent said hesitantly.

_5 minutes later. _

Agent Hill fearfully pushed open the door that led to the Director's room and finally gasped at the scene in front of her. The director was chained to his bed, a gag ball was hanging around his neck and a mustache was drawn on his face. Not to mention all the Iron Man posters covering every surface _imaginable_.

She could feel a headache coming along nicely. _What could possibly piss Stark off enough to pull a stunt like this?_

There was also a tiny sticky note stuck to the Director's forehead.

"If you ever, _ever_ try to use Pepper as bait again, I will maroon you on Madagascar – and the lions are not friendly there – trust me." She read aloud.

"I told you not to do it sir." She said dryly.

"I want to know where the little bastard is and I want to know _now_!" He shouted with a vein pulsing on his forehead – possibly on the verge of exploding.

"Sir…you're going to make your blood pressure spike again." She said warily.

Meanwhile thousands of miles above the Earth's surface Tony Stark happily floats in space watching all the chaos unfold miles and miles below him. He pats the SHEILD Satellite beside him. "You know buddy? It's nice here - just you and me. Hmm...Maybe we can help each other out." Tony mused.

_5 minutes later. _

"Iron man was spotted tap dancing in Jerusalem 6 minutes ago, Sir." An agent said.

"JERUSELUM?" Everyone shouted in disbelief.

"He's just been sighted doing cartwheels on the Great Wall of China, Sir." Another agent chimed in.

"What the hell?" Fury said angrily.

"Tony Stark…is…well…" A nervous agent tried desperately to convey his thoughts with his frantic eyes.

"Just spit it out boy!" The Director boomed.

"He's on a nude beach in France Sir!" He squeaked.

The entire SHEILD control room froze as the picture came onto the main screen.

"Oh my god!"

"My eyes! They burn!"

"Get it off! Get it off!"

"I can't! I can't! The controls have been overridden!" The nervous SHEILD agent said frantrically trying to save the innocent eyes of his fellow agents.

Agent Hill pinched the bridge of her nose as she turned away from the screen and looked to the director – except he was no longer behind her anymore. More precisely he was on the ground and experiencing what looked scarily like a heart attack.

"OH MY GOD! THE DIRECTOR IS IN CARDIAC ARREST!" A flighty agent screamed his lungs out.

**Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass **

Um...hi there everybody. I'm Bruce and I have pretty much been bullied onto this stage here...can I come down yet? No? Do I have to say it like _that_? (sigh) Okay, the team would like me to say that we're...oh scratch that! So peanut gallery...We know you're there, you know you're there, _you're mom knows you're there -_ so why are you silent? It's intermission time and we wanna know what you think! (He glanced backstage) What? I paraphrased! What they said was too vulgar to repeat in a T rated fic guys! Though we all know Tony has used every swear word uttered under the sun by now. (Someone threw a green rock at him) Fine! I'll say it! Peanuts! All we ask is for peanuts oh mighty readers!

**A/N: Again I will still be accepting any funny requests for the upcoming chapters! Until next time! Muhahaha.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 - 100 days of Tony Stark madness **

**Day 10: GOD OF WAR vs. GOD OF LIGHTNING **

_Dedicated to all Thor fans and __Anime-GuardianAngel (You'll see)_

It was a normal day in the Avengers Tower (who can possibly define what normal is for them?). Half the team was lounging in their common room where Clint was trying to show Steve and Thor how to play video games – my god help him.

"You see you take this black thing called a controller and it will allow you to _control_ the characters on the screen." Clint said handing them each a small PlayStation control.

"Why are Midgardians fascinated by the imprisonment of tiny people in large boxes?" Thor asked aloud. For the sake of their sanity Clint and Steve decided to leave that one for another day.

"Um…they haven't figured that out yet. Anyway we use the PlayStation to play a game."

"Why is it called PlayStation?" Steve asked.

"Um…I don't know. It's an electrical operating system you use to play video games with." Clint answered awkwardly – these two ask the weirdest questions ever. He didn't understand – you just _play_ and have fun! You don't need to dissect the awesomeness that is the PlayStation.

"Is it like a train station?" Thor suddenly asked. Clint sighed.

"No – it's this box right here that is connected to the TV – but enough about the word PlayStation! Let me tell you the controls. So the X button is to jump, the triangle button is for a heavy attack, the O is to grab something and the square is for normal attacks." he explained slowly. Thor furrowed his brow – _not again. _

"Are many Midgardians illiterate? Why are the controls shapes instead of words?" Thor asked. Clint and Steve paused…that was a very good question…

"We'll get back to you on that. Now. Let's play my favourite game – God of War!" Clint said excitedly skipping off to the CD stand and taking out a case that was prettily displayed behind the glass.

_Inner geek coming out of the closet much? _

"TA DA!" He said showing them his prized possession. Steve and Thor stared at him. Steve took the game from Clint and looked at it with Thor.

"It's just a disc." Steve stated. Clint's megawatt smiled dimmed slightly.

"Yes – but it is an _epic_ disc where you get to be the God of War!" He said excitedly. Thor took the game out of Steve's hand and stared at it.

"Why would I want to be the God of War? I am the God of Lightning!" Thor boomed.

"You pretend when you're in the game Thor." Clint said slowly. Thor looked at the game and chunked it out the window.

"I DO NOT LIKE THIS GAME!" He boomed once more.

"My vintage baby!" Clint shouted as he chased after it. The Captain grabbed the hysterical man before he could throw himself out the window as well.

"Not worth that fall soldier." Steve said holding Clint back from certain doom.

"Thor!" Steve shouted. Thor had the decency to look sheepish while Clint sank to the floor in shock.

"Apologize to Clint NOW." Steve said pointing at the devastated man.

"My apologies for discarding your unamusing game." Thor mumbled. Clint pointed a shaky finger at Thor.

"I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!" Clint shouted as he ran out of the room – possibly in tears.

"Thor."

"Yes Captain."

"Don't touch the man's videos games – he's unstable."

"I will try not to upset him so. But Captain – did you not have the same reaction when Stark turned your My Little Ponies collection into a series of exploding projectiles?" Thor asked in genuine confusion. A dazed look crossed the Captain's face.

"DON'T JUDGE MY PONIES!"

**Day 11: The Master has been pranked **

_Inspired by: __FreezeOver_

Tony Stark whistled as he walked out of the Avengers Tower. It was a good day – his arc reactor was not killing him slowly today, Pepper was happy and the Avengers had not burned down his building – _yet_. He took a sip from his morning coffee and noticed a crowd of people looking up at his building and taking pictures. He smirked – yes it must be so awesome they are taking pictures of it!

"Hey mommy – why is there a picture of Iron Man in a diaper on that building?" A little boy asked as they walked past him.

Tony spat out his coffee all over himself. _WHAT? _ He thought spinning around and staring up at his beautiful building – which was suddenly not so beautiful anymore. His poor baby!

"It's called a prank honey." The mother replied.

_DOUBLE WHAT?_ Who dares prank Tony Stark – let alone IRON MAN?

Snooping time.

The door to the Avengers common room banged open – it goes through a lot of abuse every day. So much so that there is a permanent dent in the wall beside it.

"NOBODY MOVE!" He shouted. Everyone looked up at the fuming engineer and shrugged before continuing whatever it was that there were doing. He growled and with a click all the electronics turned off in the room.

"Hey!" Was the resounding protest in the room.

"Who did it?" He asked dangerously. Five very angry avengers glared back at him.

"Did what Stark?" Steve asked irritably.

"THAT!" He said turning the TV on. All over the news was footage of Avengers Tower - now decorated with the Iron man in diaper picture.

The entire room burst out laughing.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Tony shouted jumping up and down. Clint brushed a tear from his face.

"They're calling it the _IRON BABY!"_ He said between bouts of hysteria. That caused a whole new round of laughter. Tony fumed silent to the side.

"I don't know who did it Stark – but it wasn't us." Bruce said trying to hide his smile behind his coffee – but failed miserably. Tony stared all his teammates down suspiciously before groaning.

"But then it could be anyone!" He whined. Suddenly the door opened once again and a very bemused Pepper Potts enter their domain. Everyone froze in true fear.

There goes his list of good day facts. Darn.

"Stark." She said warningly.

"Potts." He mimicked her tone as always.

"Who is CEO of Stark Industries?" She asked calmly. Pepper calm was a scary sight to see – it meant she was royally pissed inside and one wrong move and she would have your head.

"You are ma'am."

"So who has to deal with the PR mess?"

"You do." He replied feebly.

"And who is going to fix this problem before they end up on the couch?" She asked icily. He gulped.

"Me?"

"Fix it. You also have a postcard." She said as she threw a piece of paper at him before walking away.

"He got _pwned_." Clint whispered to Steve. They all gathered around him to take a look at the little piece of paper.

"He's mocking me! The little bastard is mocking me!" Tony said in disbelief. The postcard was a mini version of the Iron baby.

"I hope you liked the surprise portrait - I must say it is a huge improvement to the suit." Steve read out to everyone. They winced – that was brutal.

"I MUST FIND THIS BOY!" Tony said as he threw the offending postcard onto the ground – it floated softly to the floor. He scowled at the slow descent and stomped on it for good measure. "How do I find him?" He asked as he started to pace in front of the team. They watched him in amusement.

"My god Stark – just watch the stupid CCTV video on your street! There's no way someone could get that up there without being caught!" Natasha said finally getting fed up with his dramatics. He froze and pointed an excited finger at her.

"You! You are a GENIUS! I apologize in advance for helping them hide your guns. I will buy you an entire truckload of them!" He said speedily.

"_WHAT_?" She shouted angrily as he ran away from the room to go find his laptop. She slowly turned back to the guilty faces that stood behind her.

"It was _you_…" She said dangerously. They froze in utter horror.

_5 minutes later._

When Tony came back he found four grown men cowering in the corner with matching red puffy hand prints displayed across all of their cheeks. He turned around just in time to see a hand make direct contact with his face at supersonic speed.

_SMACK!_

Ugh. He looked up dizzily – he didn't remember angry girl slaps feeling like _that_. Those high school boys don't know what they were whining about - let them get bitch slapped by an enraged spy. Then they could talk.

"Touch my guns again and you will all scream – _but no one will hear you."_ She said scarily leaning into their faces. They would die before they admit they whimpered.

Thor ran away to change his pants.

Everyone stared after him. They really didn't want to know.

Tony pushed himself off the ground and rubbed his wounded face. He squinted.

"I think you took out my left eye." He whined. Her own eyes twitched. The others quickly took cover behind the couch.

A knife suddenly appeared in her hand.

He quickly spun around and went to set up his laptop and connect it to the TV. He was smart enough to know when to back down. Otherwise he would have been slaughtered by one of his angry girlfriends _years_ ago.

They relocated to sit on top of the couch and watched as Tony turned his laptop on and pulled up the CCTV footage from last night. There was a resounding gasp. They all recognized the distinct clothing of the culprit who was scaling the side of Avengers Tower in the middle of the night.

"LOKI?" 4 out of 6 voices shouted in unison.

"BROTHER?" Thor chimed in afterwards.

"THE ASGARD BASTARD?" Clint added angrily.

"Hey! Do not speak ill of my home world!" Thor said defensively – he had somehow managed to get back in time to watch the footage with them. Thunder was heard not far off in the distance. Clint gulped and inched away from the volatile demi-god.

"You rang oh mighty Avengers?" A new voice asked from behind them. Everyone spun around and stared at the definitely not imprisoned Asgardian.

"Brother – how did you get out of Asgard? Let alone the prison?" Thor asked warily.

"Oh…I did not brother – not _technically_." Loki said with an evil grin.

_In a faraway galaxy…_

"I'm not Loki! I swear!" A poor guard who had been magically disguised to look and sound like the God of Mischief said as they shoved him back into the cell.

"Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the King – you really need to be more creative Loki."

"BUT I'M NOT LOKI!" The framed guard screamed helplessly. The other guard took out a large metal object.

"NO! NOT THE MUZZLE! NOT THE MUZZLE!"

**Day 12: The baking incident **

_Inspired by: TheFurturist_

_Somewhere in Malibu…_

"Alright boys! Let's get baking!" Tony said as they entered his gigantic kitchen.

"Do you know where anything is?" Bruce asked warily. Tony jumped up on the counter and grinned at him.

"Not a clue!" He replied cheerfully. Bruce sighed as he went to search for brownie making tools.

"So basically you're going to be no help at all right?" Steve said warily.

"Yup! I just provide the facility!" Tony cackled. Bruce and Steve sighed as they got to work.

Clint and Thor left them to that as they went upstairs to put their stuff away. Suddenly Clint pulled out a small bag full of unknown dubious content. He smiled at it evilly.

"What is that in your hand that is making you giggle Clint?" Thor asked curiously. Clint's grinned suddenly widened.

"Would you like to try some weed Thor?" he asked mischievously.

"What is this weed you speak of?"

"It's like a happy potion."

"Sounds wonderful."

"It is."

_20 minutes later. _

As expected Bruce and Steve were the only ones actually doing any work whatsoever. Well it was more like Bruce was doing the work and Steve watched him like a Hawk – asking as many questions as fast as possible. Bruce finished mixing the brownie batter and pointed his spatula at Tony who was busy doing another experiment of his in the corner.

"Do you know where the other two went?" He asked as he placed the batter beside the oven. Tony hmmed.

"What were you saying Brucie?" He asked as he slowly tipped a red liquid into his unknown mixture. A puff of smoke rose from the mixture and turned the edge of his hair to dust. That was never a good sign. Bruce stared at the truly mad scientist and shook his head. "Never mind." He said sharing a look with Steve.

Suddenly the kitchen door burst open and the two missing men walked in completely decked out in gangster wear. Thor had a boom box resting on his shoulder and placed it on the counter. He and Clint crossed their arms and leaned against each other with matching serious faces. Clint clicked the play button and they started…to _sing._

Everyone froze in horror when the song came on.

"_BABY! BABY! BABY! OHHHHH!"_ Thor boomed in his deep voice. Tony is startled from his experiment.

"_LIKE BABY, BABY, BABY, NOOO!"_ Clint joined in. Steve thinks he is about to faint.

"_BABY! BABY! BABY! OHHHHH!"_ Thor boomed once more. Bruce did an epic face palm.

_"I THOUGHT YOU'D ALWAYS BE MINE! MINE!"_ They sung together.

The vibrations shook the kitchen and suddenly Tony's experiment tipped over and the fan behind him caused it to splash everyone in the room. They all froze.

"What's that smell?" Bruce asked worriedly. They looked down at their smoking clothes. Suddenly their clothes burst into ashes and fell to the ground.

They all stared at each other in shock.

3

2

1

"STARK!" Everyone shouted as they tried to cover their manly bits.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's not my fault!" Tony shouted as he grabbed a pan to keep a shred of dignity.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Why did it make our clothes disintegrate!" Clint shouted as he grabbed a kitchen towel.

"It was for weapon experimentation!" He shouted back. Steve stared at the blond hair on the ground and froze.

"I'M BALD!" Steve shrieked.

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE 92 FREAKING YEARS OLD! I'M ONLY 39!" Tony shouted falling to the ground to grab a bunch of dark brown hair in futile as they crumbed through his fingers.

"MY BEAUTIFUL LOCKS OF HAIR!" Thor boomed in sorrow.

"NATASHA WILL NEVER LOVE ME ANYMORE!" Clint sobbed. Everyone paused to look at him funnily.

"I don't think she's that shallow mate." Steve said uncertainly. Clint shook his head in shame.

"No – you don't understand! Hair is a necessity in boyfriends!" He wailed.

"I vote we never speak of this ever again." Bruce said after a few moments of watching the sobbing assassin.

"Agreed."

_3 days later. _

"Why are you all wearing baseball caps?" Pepper asked curiously. They all pointed to Tony.

"He did it." They said in unison.

"Did what?" Natasha asked as she walked down the stairs. They all took off their hats in at once.

The girls gasped.

"MY BOYFRIEND IS _BALD_?" They shrieked together.

**Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass**

Funniest days yet! I just got an AWESOME idea! Who wants a day where they are disguised as CROSSDRESSERS? Review if you like the idea!

**A/N: Requests will be continued to be accepted as always! The funnier, the more likely I am to write it!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**CAUTION: May cause death by laughter. Read at your own risk.**

**Day 13: The 3 unbreakable kitchen rules **

_Inspired by: __PercyJacksonTheAwesome_

The three Avengers stared at the little note taped to the door leading into the kitchen. Steve looked at it sadly and turned towards the other two.

"I wasn't that bad was I?"

_1 week ago. _

Steve walked in the kitchen early that morning and noticed the new shiny toaster sitting on the counter. He walked up to it and stared in awe. The 21st century was indeed full of wonderful little inventions! He wondered what other things toasters could toast besides toast…

_5 minutes later. _

Clint was the second person to walk into the kitchen that morning.

"What's that smell?" He asked suddenly. The Captain spun around tried not to look suspicious.

Right. Like frantically searching for the quickest way out wasn't suspicious at _all_. Clint narrowed his eyes at the super solider.

"What did you do?" He asked distrustfully.

"Nothing!" Steve said quickly. Clint looked behind him.

"Then why is the toaster smoking?" He asked with an eyebrow. Steve shrugged as he started inching towards the door. Clint looked towards the corner of the counter where he had left his 6 month old mold project. The Captain started to sweat.

He gasped.

"MY BABIES! YOU TOASTED MY PRIZED BABIES!" Clint yelled as he ran over to the toaster.

"I'm sorry! It was so tempting!" The Captain said defensively. Clint watched in horror as all his hard work _dinged_ in crispy perfection.

The Captain wisely dashed out of the kitchen like a bat out of hell.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING? COME BACK HERE – SEE HOW YOU FEEL AFTER I TOAST _YOU_!" Clint shrieked as he ran after the guilty soldier.

_Present day. _

"Our apologies Captain – but the rule is not unfounded." Thor boomed sorrowfully. Steve looked back and forth between the note and his so called friends.

"IT'S NOT FAIR –TOASTERS ARE MY WEAKNESS!" He shouted as he ran down the hall a trail of sparkling water flying behind him.

"He took that better than I thought he would." Tony said as they looked back towards the list.

_The 3 unbreakable kitchen rules_

_Rule 1 – Steve Rogers is banned from using the toaster – without supervision _

"I still do not understand why I am on this list." Thor said sorrowfully. Tony clapped him on the shoulder.

"There are a lot of things you don't understand Thor – but this? This was beyond forgivable." Tony said shaking his head.

_5 days ago. _

Bruce walked into the kitchen that afternoon and noticed Thor sitting on a chair in front of the microwave while it was in action.

"Thor…why are you staring at the microwave?" He asked warily.

"It is amusing me."

"O…kay? What are you waiting for?"

"There was this video online that Clint showed me called 'Things that make microwaves explode'. I found it amusing but I did not think it would happen in real life." He said his eyes still glued to the microwave. Bruce gulped - he didn't like where this conversation was going.

"What's in the microwave Thor?" Bruce asked worriedly.

The rest of the avengers suddenly walked into the kitchen behind Bruce. They froze.

"An aerosol can?" He said hesitantly. Everyone stared at him in horror.

"EVERYBODY – _DUCK_!" Bruce shouted just as the door of the microwave burst open and hit the wall behind them. The room was suddenly covered in dubious white content.

When the dust settled and the team raised their heads - they noticed the unconscious demi-god.

"Somebody! Call 911!"

"Fuck that! Call Maria Hill! She's faster!"

_Present day_

"Is it because you had to take me to the hospital?" Thor asked. Tony shook his head.

"Nope – we can forgive one ER trip. We cannot however, forgive _three_! FOR THE _EXACT_ SAME REASONS!" Tony exclaimed. Thor pouted.

"I thought I would get different results the second or third time." He mumbled. Tony stared at him in disbelief.

"Thor. Do you _know_ what the definition of crazy is?" Tony asked slowly. Thor shook his head. Tony sighed and handed him a worn out dictionary with a placeholder. Thor opened the gigantic tomb and stared.

_Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.__ – Courtesy of __Albert Einstein_

"FATHER! FATHER! The Midgardians have certified me crazy!" Thor wailed as he held the dictionary.

_Rule 2 – Thor is banned from using the microwave – FOREVER _

_Yesterday._

Tony was sitting by his counter tinkering with another experiment of his. Today was he was trying to see if he could manage to defuse a live grenade. He left the window open – just in case.

He needed a new supply of batteries so he went into the cupboard that held all his tools. He turned back to his experiment and froze. There a black cat suddenly standing beside his experiment. It was staring at the circular pin attached to the grenade.

"_Nice_ kitty." he said as he slowly walked towards the counter. The cat looked up at him and he would forever swear that cat was suicidal. It had the eyes of a haunted soul. But why did it want to take _him_ down with it?

"You don't want to do that do you?" He asked anxiously. The cat suddenly grinned like a Cheshire cat and bit the pin with its little mouth and pulled it out. Tony froze.

_Meow_.

5

4

3

2

1

"Oh _shit_."

_Five minutes later._

Natasha walked down the stairs grumpily. She was tired and may god help the person who stood in-between her and her coffee. She grumpily pushed open the kitchen door and watched in fall to the floor with a _thud_.

She came face to face with a singed Tony Stark covered in ashes. She glanced behind him at the warzone and zoned in on the black plastic pieces that covered the floor.

She narrowed her eyes.

Tony gulped.

Her left eye twitched.

Tony ran for his life.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

There was suddenly a Stark shaped series of bullet holes in the wall.

_Click_. Empty.

"I'll buy you another one!" Tony tried feebly to save his life. She dropped her first gun and took out another.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"YOU BLEW UP MY FAVOURITE COFFEE MAKER!" She shrieked.

"It was the cat! Not me!" Tony squeaked as he avoided all the bullets in an awkward dance against the wall.

"Honey he blew up the entire kitchen." Clint said dryly watching the entire situation with twisted amusement.

A bullet flew over the top of his head.

"Do you think this is a laughing matter?" She asked dangerously. He gulped and frantically shook his head.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"STARK THIS IS YOUR ENTIRE FAULT!" Clint shouted as he started running for his life as well.

"HEY! I WASN'T THE IDIOT WHO TAUNTED HIS INSANE WIFE!" Tony shouted back as they dived for the couch.

_Present day_

_Rule 3 – Tony Stark is banned – from the kitchen altogether _

Tony stood there all alone.

"But it's _my_ kitchen! I even paid for the repairs!" He whined.

**Day 14: Never play Truth or Dare with Natasha Romanoff **

_Inspired by: __TheFuturist__ and Random Person (guest)_

Tony burst into the Avengers common room and posed with his fist in the air. His teammates stared at his odd behavior. It wasn't that fact that it was any weirder than the other things Stark has done –_ they just didn't get it. _

"Why do you have a red towel hanging from your shoulders Stark?" Steve asked in confusion.

"Don't you know who I am?" Tony asked incredulously. They all shook their heads.

"More importantly – why are you wearing red speedos on top of your jeans?" Natasha asked equally confused.

"Oh come! You guys can guess right?" Tony asked extremely put out. They shrugged.

"Why is there a big yellow 'S' on your chest? Does it stand for Stark?" Thor's voice boomed.

Bruce face palmed in the corner.

"You really don't know?" Tony asked desperately.

"Shut up and sit down Stark – or we will start the game without you." Clint warned. Tony collapsed onto the floor beside Bruce with a lost look.

"How could they not get it?" He whispered to himself. Bruce patted him on the back.

"It's alright buddy. You tried your best." Bruce said sympathetically.

"Did you bring the bracelets we asked you to make Stark?" Steve asked as the rest of the team sat down around the coffee table. Tony sighed and nodded. He took out a bag and handed it to the Captain.

"Yeah – they're fully functioning truth monitors – with a special twist." He said evilly. They all stared at their respective bracelet warily.

"What is the special twist Stark?" Clint asked apprehensively.

"You'll find out if you lie." Tony replied mischievously. The entire team shuddered but put the bracelets on anyway.

"Okay – so who goes first?" Steve asked.

They all looked at each other expectantly.

_After 50 rounds of rock, paper, scissors._

"NO! I have lost once again!" Thor wailed. Clint startled awake.

"What? Ponies? What?" He said groggily. Natasha patted him on the back sympathetically.

"We're starting the game now Clint." She said. He rubbed his eyes and took a seat beside her.

"Okay Thor. Truth or dare?" Bruce asked. Thor mulled over that thought until he sighed.

"Truth – I fear death." He said warily. They all snorted.

"No Thor, we ask you a question you must answer now." Clint explained. Thor nodded gravely.

"I know. I picked truth _because_ I fear death." He clarified. They all winced – smart man.

"Okay. Now who has a good question?" Steve asked.

"I know! I know! Was it you and Jane Foster who broke every light bulb possible in the closet on the 4th floor?" Tony asked jumping up and down. Thor froze. They watched the red crawl up his neck until it reached his ears. They all snickered.

"You have 30 seconds to answer the question Thor." Bruce said taking out his timer. They all waited in anticipation.

"I cannot betray my Jane's trust." Thor said sorrowfully.

"Then you must pick dare."

"I do not wish to do that either."

"Then we wait."

3

2

1

Thor spasmed and fell to the floor. Everyone watched him lay on the ground in horror.

"STARK! What did you do?" They asked in unison.

"I shocked him near a nerve. He'll come around in 5 minutes." Tony said casually. They all gulped. Well obviously not answering was not an option anymore.

"Next?" Bruce asked. They all turned towards Steve – he was the second runner up to losing. He looked like a deer caught in headlights – and it _knew_ it was about to be road kill.

"Truth!" He squeaked.

Dramatic pause.

"Are you – Steve Rogers – a 90 year old Virgin?" Clint asked calmly. They all turned towards Steve.

Steve started to sweat under all their judging stares.

"DARE!" He shouted.

"What is the default dare?" Bruce asked looking around.

They all had ideas.

_Another 50 rounds of rock, paper, scissors later. _

"Ha! I won!" Natasha said with a trumpet fist pump.

"Doesn't matter! Even if you chose the most horrifying dare on the planet – you will still have to experience it as well if you refuse questions." Tony huffed. She grinned evilly. He didn't feel so confident anymore.

"Oh really?" She asked casually. He gulped.

"The default dare shall be – walking through central park – while cross dressing!" She said with a cackle.

They all froze in utter horror.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 5 voices shouted in unison.

"Yes. And I won the game of chance – so you must obey! Even you Thor!" She said with cruel amusement.

"Male avengers! We must unite!" Thor said raising his mighty hammer. They unfroze from their horror but it was still clear on their faces.

"What do you mean Thor?" Clint asked frantically.

"We will not use this vicious dare aside from being the penalty of not answering to the truth!" Thor boomed. Natasha watched them debate amongst themselves before they looked at Thor.

"AGREED!"

She snorted.

"So Captain – which will it be?" Clint asked after they all sat back down. Steve looked ready to cry.

He frantically looked at all their faces.

_Juding. Juding. Juding. Juding. Juding. _

"I PICK THE DARE DAMN IT!" He finally shouted.

_Gasp_.

"Well, either answer would've embarrassed him to no end." Bruce said with a shrug. Clint and Tony looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"YOU'RE GOING TO BE A _GIRL_!" They laughed hysterically.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

_Click_.

They both froze and fearfully turned around.

They looked death right in the face.

"Not that there is anything _wrong_ with being a girl." Tony squeaked. Clint nodded frantically.

"I love girls!" He yelped. Everyone winced.

Ouch. _Bad_ move.

Her glare burned like a thousand suns.

"No! I mean I love _you_! Don't kill me Tasha!" Clint wailed.

"Give me one good reason not to." She said dangerously.

"I can make coffee!" He begged desperately.

She paused. Everyone's mouth fell open when she put her gun down and patted Clint on the head.

"Good answer." She said simply before sitting back down.

Clint slowly fell to the floor in relief.

The spy…had a _weakness_. They all quickly filed that away for later reference.

"Alright – so Steve, you will be completing your dare tomorrow afternoon. We will pick out your outfit – and Natasha will do your hair and makeup." Bruce said writing Steve's name under Thor's on the list titled _'Default dare victims'_. Steve hung his head in defeat.

"Next!"

They all turned to Clint. 'Oh _shit_.' He thought.

"Truth or dare Clint?" Thor boomed. He shifted hesitantly under all their staring. He looked at Natasha specifically and knew what her dare would be if he didn't go with the embarrassing truth. But _hell_ no – he wasn't choosing dare.

"Truth." He said with a sigh. Everyone grinned evilly.

"Clint Barton." Tony said mischievously. Clint gulped. Everyone leaned forward in anticipation.

"Have you ever kissed a boy?" He asked cheerfully. He groaned.

Now they _really_ wanted to know.

"NOT GONNA HAPPEN! I choose the default dare – hands down!" He said with finality. Everyone groaned in disappointment.

"You know when you choose cross dressing over a simple question like that already betrays his answer." Bruce whispered to Steve – they snickered. Bruce added Clint's name to his growing list of victims.

"Who's next?" he asked looking up.

"Hit me with your best shot you pansies! I choose truth – since you guys can't seem to handle that one very well!" Natasha said confidently. The boys all gathered in the corner.

"What should we ask?" Clint asked.

"It has to be something really good – she made that stupid default dare!" Tony whispered irritably.

"I got it!" Bruce said excitedly. He whispered his idea to the others and they all cackled.

"Natasha Romanoff. Our question for you today is – do you have a Justin Bieber song on your iPod and if you were a tween would you date him?" Bruce said with a straight face. The others were already cracking up since they were sure she would never answer that question. She narrowed her eyes.

"Yes."

_Cricket…cricket…cricket…_

"But hell no to the second." She continued dangerously. They all watched her in shock.

"She has nerves of steel." Steve said in awe.

"Agreed."

"It's your turn Bruce." Natasha said evilly. He gulped.

"Truth."

She smirked.

"Do you collect My Little Pony dolls after you found the Captain's collection destroyed? And if so – are they displayed in your room?" She asked.

Resounding gasp.

Bruce sat there with a blank expression. He picked up his pencil and wrote his name on the '_List of default dare victims.' _

_Another gasp._

"Say one word – and I will Hulk out _right_ now." He said evenly. Everyone wisely choose not to comment. Instead they turned to the last victim.

Tony observed their vulture like stares.

"You all think I'm stupid? I chose a normal dare!" He said haughtily. They all glanced to Natasha – the master queen of dares. She smirked.

"5 inch heels – for 5 hours walking through central park." She set her terms. He narrowed his eyes.

"Done."

"Good luck – can't take them off until the time is up." She said with a smile.

"Stark doesn't look that worried." Steve whispered to Clint. Clint shuddered.

"Trust me – he has it the worst out of all of us – he just doesn't know it yet."

"But Natasha – my condition!" Bruce pleaded his case. She snorted.

"Suck it up! We'll all be there to cover your ass." She said without budging an inch. Bruce hung his head in defeat.

**Day 15: DARE DAY **

They all stood in a line as Natasha put the finishing touches on all of them.

"My dress is itchy!" Clint whined. She slapped duct tape onto his face. The other avengers winced.

"Anyone else have any complaints?" She asked innocently. They all quickly shook their heads. She fixed the rose in Steve's hair and smiled.

"Perfect!" She said gleefully. There stood 5 of Earth's mightiest heroes – in the frilliest dresses they ever saw in their lives. Thor was wearing a bright yellow gown and his real blond hair was curled prettily around his face – the only problem _was_ his face. It was stony. Moving along, Clint who had painfully managed to pry to duct tape off his face was wearing a purple prom styled dress with a bright red wig on his head that fell around his shoulders in ridges. He had an equally if not more unhappy face then Thor. Bruce was obviously decked out in a _green_ sundress with the biggest Victorian age blond wig towering over his head – he could barely hear anything they were saying. But Steve…Steve was Natasha's true master piece. He was wearing a red salsa dress, complete with the red rose in his long fake blond wig.

"I think I'm going to cry." Natasha said tearfully. Steve looked at her funnily.

"Why?"

"You look prettier than me!" She with a huff. The other avengers gagged.

"You're the only one who actually looks like a proper girl Cap!" Clint said completely baffled.

Suddenly the door to the Avengers Common room banged open – but no one was there. They all walked around the couch to see who it was. On the ground was a Tony Stark crawling through the door on his hands and knees with a desperate look in his eyes. He looked completely normal wearing a track suit…except for the ridiculously tall red hot heels that were attached to his feet.

"Don't make me do it Romanoff! Have mercy on my soul!" Tony wailed.

"Oh poor baby!" She cooed. "Suck it up! Feel the pain I have to go through every time we go under cover at those stupid fancy parties!" She said glaring daggers at him. He fell to the floor in agony.

"Alright boys! Let's do this!" She said as she marched them out the door. Clint and Steve picked up the fallen Superhero and dragged him along with them. In was going to be a long afternoon.

_In central Park._

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Why are the Avengers wearing dresses?" A little boy asked as he and his mommy were feeding the ducks. She looked up towards the direction he was pointing in and sighed. Young men.

"They're just being silly honey." She replied.

The paparazzi was nowhere in sight – but they knew, they _knew_ they were lurking around unknown trees just waiting to capture the perfect picture.

Clint, Thor, Bruce and Steve made their walk of shame around the park with an exhausted Tony Stark a few paces behind them. Aside from the fact that Stark could barely walk – there was this _sound_.

Step. _Quack_. Step. _Quack._ Step – he whipped around to look behind him – _nothing_. He turns back in front of him. _QUACK_!

Natasha snickered as she hid behind a bush with the speaker.

"WHO IS MAKING THAT ANNOYING SOUND?" Tony shouted hysterically.

A few steps ahead of Stark was Steve nervously walking alongside his team. There was a group of people following them on the side throwing cat whistles at him every now and then. He was blushing like crazy.

The one thought was on all their minds – _Worst. Day. Ever._

Secondary thought – never play truth or dare with Natasha Romanoff _ever_ again.

A wave of pollen from the garden beside them floats in front of Thor's nose. He looked like he was about to sneeze - _Oh. My. God._

"EVERYONE – TAKE COVER!" Tony said as they dived for the flowers. Poor Bruce couldn't hear because of the huge wig on his head and so when he turned to ask what Tony said he freezes.

"Oh, not _again_." He groaned.

"ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Thor boomed. Bruce got hit with a flash of white light right in the face and flew into the bushes. A lone roar was heard from every corner of the city.

_The next day_.

"What! I'm only page _five_?" Tony shouted in disbelief as he stared at the paper. This is was insulting!

"I won the hottest cross dressing avenger contest?" Steve said in horror. The rest of them snickered.

"I can never go back to Asgard now!" Thor wailed. His reputation was ruined!

"Who has page one guys?" Clint asked looking around. Everyone sitting at the table shook their heads.

"Who is _on_ page one anyway?" Steve asked.

A depressed Bruce Banner raised his hand from the couch - the front cover story in his hand.

"Me." He said miserably.

_NEW YORK TIMES _

_HEADLINING NEWS: IS THERE A FEMALE HULK ON THE RISE? _

**Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass**

OH MY GOODNESS! That was long! haha – but I seriously died laughing! Don't forget to breathe people!

**A/N: Requests will be continued to be accepted as always! The funnier, the more likely I am to write it!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 -**

Day 16: The SMK game

_Inspired by: Sarcastic Musician_

The team was on another mission on their way to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. A drug lord had gotten hold of SHIELD level weapons and it was their mission to get it back.

The mission was a no brainer. That wasn't what was plaguing the team at the moment.

What was really killing them slowly was the utter boredom they were suffering through during the ride there.

"Why is South America so far away? They're our southern neighbors!" Tony whined after staring at the same mind numbing dull walls on the aircraft for 4 hours straight.

"Tony - read the precautions on the map: NOT TO SCALE!" Clint said over his shoulder as he continued to pilot their plane.

"You're overestimating Stark, Clint. He's illiterate in everyday life tools. Give him a map written completely in code and then maybe he would understand." Steve said dryly.

"Was that a compliment disguised as an insult?" Tony asked in shock.

"No - it was an insult addressed as an insult." He said blankly.

"You're losing you're touch Cap."

"I ran out of insults after the first two hours." He said as he went back to staring at the ceiling.

"You can't be that bored Tony." Clint said as they swiveled to the left to avoid a cliff. Then the unthinkable happened. Thor _snored_ from the luggage compartment – it shook the entire plane. He was asleep! And Thor _never_ slept while in transport – he was always too busy being scared they were all going to die and leave him stranded on some '_Puny Midgardian Island'._

Tony shot Clint a look of disbelief. Clint shrugged – he tried.

"Why don't we play truth or dare?" Natasha asked with a smirk. Everyone froze in fear - Clint nearly _crashed_ the plane. Their prides were still bruised from _that_fiasco.

"NO!" They shouted in unison. She snorted but went back to cleaning her guns. Their reaction was always amusing enough.

"How about we play a different game?" Tony asked suddenly. Natasha suddenly looked up and gave him a pointed look. Her gun clicked shut. He gulped.

"It's not like that! Hear me out! It's called Sex, Marry or Kill. We each take turns dishing out 3 names and we have to decide which we would marry, have sex with or kill. It's hilarious!" He said excitedly. Everyone watched him vibrate in his seat like a little boy who discovered the candy jar.

They all looked at each other – games and Avengers do not end well.

"No."

"Oh come on guys! There's nothing else to do in this god forsaken rut!" Tony exclaimed.

"Hey! Don't talk about my baby like that!" Clint said from his place in the pilot seat. Bruce snorted.

"Clint – you have more things you consider your baby then Natasha has shoes." He said dryly. Everyone else snickered.

"Go count you ponies you pansy." Clint muttered to himself. A pack of peanuts hit the back of his head and the plane swiveled sharply to the right. Everyone jerked with the plane – they were only saved by their seatbelts. Thor was not so lucky.

_Crash_!

"AH (#&%)()#* Asgardian #()% #)(* fish *&(#*&#$ frost bunny $(*& $( Alfather of all (*$ (& !" He shouted as he bounced around trying to sooth his bruised knee.

Everyone stared at him in awe.

"Thor!" Steve admonished. He froze in his painful dance.

"I apologize for my potty mouth comrades." Thor said shamefully. They all shook their heads in disappointment.

"I wonder if we're close enough that we could swim to Brazil." Bruce mumbled as he poked the lifejacket sticking out of the box underneath his seat. Tony watched him with wide eyes.

"That's it – we're going to die. When Bruce starts to get antsy we have been in a small closed box together for too long!" Tony declared. Steve threw a wad of gum at him.

"Just shut up Stark." He said simply. Tony huffed and crossed his arms – they'll come around. They always do.

_30 minutes later_– the boredom was just too much. They were about to cry.

"Stark." Steve started weakly.

"Yeah?" Tony asked as he perked up.

"Explain the game again." Steve said reluctantly.

"Yes! I knew you would come to the dark side eventually Cap!" Tony said with a little fist pump. Steve sighed – he had to choose the lesser of two evils.

"So! Someone give me 3 random names!" Tony said excitedly looking around. They all observed his bi-polar mood swings warily.

"Fury." Natasha supplied.

"Agent Hill." Steve added.

"Loki." Bruce finished the list with an evil smile. _'Note to self – include stopovers in long mission flights – volatile teammates get a little green and out of character while in small enclosed spaces for too long'_Tony thought to himself.

"Wow. You guys are so nice." Tony said sarcastically. They snickered.

"Your game Stark – now answer the question." Steve said with amusement.

"Fine. Marry Loki. Sleep with Hill. Kill Fury." He said with a serious face. They all gaped.

"You would marry Loki instead of Hill?" Clint asked in shock. Tony shrugged.

"Just cause you're married doesn't mean you have to do shit. Do you know how many married couples don't even sleep in the same room?" He asked. They all considered that for a moment.

"Point taken. Who wants to go next?" Steve asked looking around. Bruce yawned and put his hand up.

"I'll go." He volunteered.

"Awesome. Ross." Tony said evilly. Bruce glared at him.

"Pepper." Natasha said with a smirk. They all froze in fear and looked towards Tony. He was shooting daggers at Natasha.

"Jane Foster." Steve said out of nowhere. Thunder was heard not too far away. Clint gulped as he steered the plane away from the emerging storm clouds.

"Choose carefully Bruce." Clint said worriedly – he didn't want to fly through a lightning storm today.

Bruce's eye twitched. They put him in a freaking no win scenario. Regardless of what he chose someone would kill him.

"I choose…I CHOOSE POLOGAMY! And killing Ross." He said finally. They all gasped.

"Can you do that?" Steve asked horrified. Tony shrugged.

"I donno. I didn't read the rules."

"Well played Banner. Well played." Natasha said – she was impressed. Bruce just sighed in relief and melted into his seat. "Who's next?" She asked. They all looked at Thor.

"I do not wish to play." He stated firmly.

"Oh come on Thor – I'll let you use the microwave for whatever you want if you play?" Tony bribed. They watched an internal battle play across Thor's face until he looked like he was about to explode.

"I ACCEPT YOUR OFFER MAN OF IRON!" He boomed. They all winced – SHIELD should provide hearing protection earmuffs for this job – they would be losing their hearing very young if they didn't do something soon.

"Loki." Tony said.

"Bruce." Natasha added.

"Darcy." Steve finished the list.

Thor looked ready to drop.

"This is not fair my friends!" He protested. They shrugged.

"Just answer the question!" They said in unison.

"I…I…I am sorry brother but I will have to hypothetically cause your death. I shall marry the fair maiden and…I apologize in advance doctor for deflowering your virtue." Thor said sorrowfully. The entire cabin cracked up. Natasha and Tony were nearly falling out of their seats. Bruce just got redder and redder and redder – until he looked like a ripped tomato.

"Oh that was priceless!" Natasha said wiping a tear from her eye.

"I did not find it amusing." Thor mumbled as he went back to his corner of shame.

"Who is next?" Tony asked. Natasha shrugged.

"I'll go." She offered.

"Stark." Bruce said darkly. She narrowed her eyes.

"Fury." Tony added cheerfully.

"Clint?" Clint said hesitantly. They all raised an eyebrow.

"You can't pick yourself!" Tony exclaimed. Clint glared at him.

"Who said? You didn't even read the rules!" He shot back.

"Doesn't matter guys - pick your choices Natasha." Steve said. She winced.

"Marry Clint, sleep with Stark, kill Fury." She said warily. They all gasped - really after 2 years of being a team you would expect that they have heard every shocking statement imaginable - apparently not.

"I knew you had a thing for me!" Stark shouted pointing a finger at her. She grimaced.

"No...the eye patch just really freaks me out." She said dryly. They all shuddered.

"Glad you would marry me again Honey." Clint with a small smile.

"I see their weird married couple vibes zipping back and forth - it's disgusting." Tony whispered to Bruce. They both heard the distinct _click_.

"Who's next?" Tony tried feebly to change the topic.

They looked at Clint. He glared at them all through the reflection in his window.

"I'm flying this plane – I can crash it too." He threatened. They continued to stare at him expectantly. He pulled out the big guns. "I can also slow down so that we don't arrive in Rio until nightfall." He warned. They all quickly turned to Steve. He gulped.

"Stark." Natasha said glaring daggers at the man himself. Steve squeaked.

"Romanoff." Tony said glaring back. Steve started to feel faint.

"Barton." Thor added in retaliation to the Jane Foster comment. Steve was going to spontaneously combust right then and there.

His eyes flew back and forth between the ravenous eyes of his fellow avengers. He was sweating once again under the pressure. _Why were these game always so nerve frying?_

"Hey guys – I bring good news! We're finally here!" Clint suddenly said breaking the tense silence. Everyone cheered and rushed to the window to see the beautiful landscape of Rio.

Steve fainted in relief.

**Day 17: Spynapped**

_Dedicated to fellow Natasha fans – may her badass ways never cease _

"Hey guys? Do you know where Natasha is? I haven't seen her all day." Clint asked walking into the kitchen.

Everyone looked up and shook their heads. "We haven't seen her since she shot up the living room this morning when Thor accidentally sat on her." Bruce said warily. Thor was still sleeping off the serious headache she had given him by throwing him into the wall.

"Did she leave Avengers Tower completely?" Clint wondered out loud. They shrugged.

_Buzz_. "Tony?" Pepper's voice suddenly came over the intercom. They all froze - Pepper _never_ called through the intercom.

"Um...yeah Peps?" Tony asked worriedly.

"You have a package you need to check out right _now_." She said steadily.

"But Pepper! You know I only check packages every other Thursday." Tony said in confusion. They could _feel_ the ice seep through the speaker.

"You're going to want to see this one – before it disappears." She said warily. They all froze.

"What's wrong with the package Pepper?" Tony asked slowly as he started heading for the door.

"It says _'This message will self-destruct in 5 minutes._'" She replied evenly.

He started walking faster.

"Get away from the package Pepper!" He shouted as he reached the door.

"That is kind of difficult seeing as how I am tied to a chair with the box tapped to my thighs." She said dryly.

He was in a full out sprint by the end of her sentence.

You start to wonder when you should just marry your girlfriend when she doesn't bite your head off every time one of your enemies want to make a dramatic statement.

"Steve! Natasha may be in trouble! Wake up Thor and meet us downstairs!" Clint shouted as he ran off right behind Stark.

Bruce and Steve looked at each other warily.

"He told you to do it." Bruce said taking a cautious step away. Steve glared at him.

"I woke him up last time and barely came out of it with my head still attached to my body - it's your turn to wake the big guy." Steve said pushing the doctor towards the sleeping giant. Bruce sighed.

"We don't have time for this." He said as he got up to grab a frying pan.

"You're not going to wake him with that are you?" Steve asked warily. Bruce gave him a dirty look.

"Do you _know_ how many times I've been struck by lightning?" Bruce asked dangerously. Steve inched away and wisely remained silent. Bruce slowly walked over to the demi-god. He took a deep breath.

"WAKE UP THOR - NATASHA IS IN TROUBLE!" Bruce shouted at Thor from a good 3 feet away. The demi-god shot up and fell off the sofa. He growled and they both heard the thunder in the distance. _Uh oh._

"Who dares wake me from my much needed slumber...?" Thor said dangerously looking around. Suddenly a streak of white light crashed through the window behind them. They all ducked and watched in horror as the speeding light bounced across all the lights that were hanging from the ceiling, rebounded off the refrigerator and came straight for Bruce. He put his frying pan to work and successfully deflected the beam.

"I'm saved!" Bruce said as he hugged the frying pan.

"OH MY GOD!" A voice shouted from behind him. He turned around to see a scorched Captain lying on the ground. He was twitching.

"No time to be lying around boys! We have a spy to rescue!" Bruce exclaimed as he dragged both unresponsive avengers out the door.

_Several floors down below._

"Okay! Okay! Don't freak out Pepper! Don't freak out!" Tony fretted as he jumped around trying to figure out how to free his trapped girlfriend. She gave him a long look before glancing at Clint.

"Can you rip the tape off of me Clint?" She asked calmly. He nodded and did just that. She winced but otherwise showed no other emotion. He handed the box to the jumpy Stark and untied the CEO from her binds.

00:00:003:04 minutes left.

"You're supposed to press play Stark before the timer goes off." She said slowly to the frozen superhero standing in front of her. He pressed the button in a daze. A video suddenly started playing on the screen underneath the timer.

"Hello little Avengers. I'm baaaaaack." A very familiar voice said with an extremely annoying expression on screen.

Clint and Pepper groaned. Loki was back to be a pain in their ass once again.

"Yes. I know you are so excited to see me again! Prison is such a dreary place during this time of year. So I decided to pay you a visit!" He said gleefully.

"You know - he makes Asgard's most highly secured facility sound like a vacation resort." Clint said dryly. Pepper nodded.

"I know you want to see me too because I have a lovely guest with me today!" He continued mischievously before the camera angle changed and they all saw the unconscious redhead chained to a chair behind him. She had an oxygen mask attached to her face and they suddenly noticed the deep blue pool behind her. Clint growled angrily.

"Set your timer little archer - you have one hour." Loki said as he turned around and pushed the chair and spy both into the 12 foot deep body of water. Clint curled his hands into fists. He was vibrating with anger.

"Make every breath count." He whispered before the video shut off and the box started smoking.

The silence was deafening.

"Where is he Stark?" Clint asked darkly. Tony's hands flew across the computer at Pepper's desk. He pulled up a city map and a red dot flashed on the screen.

"Duffern public pool." Tony replied. He suddenly punched the keyboard with his fist. "The sick bastard! That's 65 minutes from here!" He exclaimed. Clint's expression turned stony.

"Give me your keys Stark."

"We won't make it."

"We will when I break every traffic law in the state." He said as he grabbed the keys and stalked out of the office.

_59 minutes later. _

"WE'RE GOING TO FREAKING CRASH INTO THE BUILDING!" Tony shouted from the passenger seat. He was holding onto his seat like his life depended on it. Steve and Thor in the back seat looked like they were about to be sick.

"THAT'S THE PLAN!" Clint shouted back as he swiveled sharply the right. Everyone in the car froze.

"WHAT?" They screamed right before the car made impact with a wall.

_CRASH_!

They coughed as the dust around them settled. Clint crawled out of the absolutely totaled vehicle and he whipped out his left hand.

00:00:00:01

"NO! WE'RE TOO LATE!" Clint said devastated as he stared at his watch. He fell to his knees and stared at the blurry water…wait a minute…

Suddenly a commotion on the other side of the pool caught their attention.

"EAT DIRT YOU DEMENTED ALIEN!" A very familiar voice shouted angrily.

They all gaped.

There stood a soaking wet Natasha Romanoff holding the magical scepter of Asgard. She was viciously swinging the staff in front of her and they watched in awe as she repeated threw a familiar body into the wall beside her.

_THUMP! CRASH! THUMP! CRASH!_

They winced. Man that got to hurt.

"Have mercy little redheaded human…" The poor bastard moaned. They felt the dark vibes swell around her and the entire Avengers team took an unconscious step back.

"MERCY? YOU WANT FUCKING MERCY AFTER TRYING TO DROWN ME?" She screamed. They all gulped. Her fiery glare could burn entire cities to the ground.

She threw the scepter above her head and they watched in horror as Loki's body shot up and broke through the roof. They all stared at the ceiling as they heard crash after crash…Ouch. When they could no longer hear Loki's body breaking through floors anymore Natasha dropped the staff on the floor beside her. It clattered to the ground and the sound echoed around the silent room. She turned her fiery gaze towards the late party. They shook with fear – she had murder in her eyes.

"YOU! Where have YOU been?" She asked dangerously. They gulped.

"We were coming to rescue you?" Clint tried feebly. She narrowed her eyes.

"RESCUE? You're LATE!" She shouted across the water. They winced.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" A voice suddenly broke through their charged showdown. They all watched in horror as Loki's body came crashing through another part of the ceiling right in front of Natasha. That dude has some really bad luck. The creepy darkness around her suddenly intensified tenfold. She grabbed him by his collar with one hand and brought him right up to her face.

"I am going to make you wish the Chitauri had gotten their hands on you that day. I am going to make you wish you were _dead_ - because when I'm through with you – _you will be scared of your own freaking shadow_." She hissed darkly. They could see his thin frame trembling from 10 feet away.

"Not the face! Not the face!" He begged.

"It probably took him five hours to paint it on this morning." Tony whispered still in shock from the epic display of the badass spy.

_SMASH_!

**Day 18: The one thing bad guys can't take seriously **

_Inspired by: angelcullen1997_ **  
**

Tony Stark was once again holed up in his messy lab many floors below Avengers Tower. He had woken up at 5 am with the most brilliant idea ever. Pepper did not share the same view – especially not after only have 3 hours of sleep that night.

"But Peps! You got to hear this out! It would be an amazing distraction in the field!" He insisted. Pepper was a very patient woman – otherwise she could never deal with a man like Tony Stark. But she was a beast when it came to sleeping – _real_ sleeping. The next thing Stark knew he had rug burn all across the left side his face and heard his bedroom door slam shut behind him.

"Note to self – wait until 7 am to share awesome ideas with Pepper." He mumbled as he pushed himself off the ground and winced. Sliding your face across the carpet _– not recommended._

_12 hours later. _

"Tony! Get out of your lab! We have a mission to go to!" Clint shouted as he and the rest of the team stomped down the stairs that led to the mad genius' lab. Tony had insanely loud music pounding through his speakers and didn't hear a word Clint was saying. Thor pounded on Stark's door until a gigantic crack ran along the middle of it.

"Move aside Thor – we don't have time for this." Natasha said as she whipped out her gun and pointed it at the lock. BAM!

The entire glass door shattered in front of them. Oops. They all gave Natasha a long look.

"Say it and I'll shoot you." She warned as she huffed and walked through the broken door. They shrugged and followed behind her. They found Stark tinkering with another machine of his – it looked like a bazooka. They looked around and saw a bunch of cardboard cutouts of popular villains of the ages propped up against a wall. There was Captain Hook, Darth Vader, Moriarty, Voldemort and a purple unicorn. Nobody dared to ask about that one. Huh – they wondered what they were for.

"What are you doing Stark?" Steve asked standing right in front of him. Tony was startled by the sudden voice and jumped - accidently setting off his invention while he was at it. The next thing they knew they were engulfed by a white cloud. They all covered their nose - nobody dared to breathe.

"STARK!" They shouted. A cough was heard from the edge of the cloud.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" He shouted into the cloud.

"DON'T EXPERIMENT WITH DANGEROUS CHEMICALS THAT COULD KILL PEOPLE!" Clint shouted back.

"It's not dangerous! It's supposed to be a distraction!" He huffed.

"Stark…"

"It's harmless!" He promised. He looked at the gun and saw the edges start to melt…uh oh. Damage control time. He hit the emergency sprinklers and they all watched the water wash the cloud into the drains on the floor. They all looked at each other and froze.

The silence stretched on for several moments. Natasha started to shake.

"I'm going to KILL YOU!" She shrieked as she lunged for the genius. Clint caught her by the waist a held her back from clawing the poor billionaire's eyes out. Tony squeaked and hid behind his counter.

"I'm sorry! It's an unintended side effect! I was working on removing it from the compound!" He tried to explain. She growled at him.

"Kill him later Tasha. We still have a mission to do guys…" Clint said with a sigh. This was not going to end well.

"We can't go take down bad guys looking like this!" Steve said in horror.

"Hey! The Cullen's could pull it off – why can't we?" Tony protested.

_One hour later. _

The avenger's team burst into the warehouse and all the criminal froze in fear – until their eyes caught up with their head. They all suddenly burst out laughing. The avengers all glared at Tony.

"NO ONE IS AFRIAD OF SPARKLING SUPERHEROES STARK!" They shouted in unison.

**Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass**

**Haha! Natasha lost some of her badassness with the sparkles XD that was my take on Twilight guys! I hope you liked this chapter – the first two days are crazy long I know! Did Loki creep anyone out? Cause I found his evilness really shined in day 17…until Natasha stole his evil thunder! **

**What do you guys think about speed dating…muhahaha **

**A/N: Requests will be continued to be accepted as always! The funnier, the more likely I am to write it!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 **

_Anonymous review response:_

Asylum inmate: Thank you so much for the marriage proposal…but seeing how I am not legally allowed to marry yet… I shall accept your story prompt instead XD stay tune for Disney films marathon day (they are on the horizon)

**Day 19: Interrogation **

_Inspired by: PercyJacksonTheAwesome (my awesome ff buddy)_

Steve was exhausted from that mission in Brazil. Those druggies really know how to deal a punch. All he wanted now was a cup of hot chocolate and to curl up into a ball in his bed before passing out. Sadly things never went as planned in Avengers Tower. 5 minutes after he got off the jet and was on his way to his room he suddenly found a bag being pulled over his head, his arms tied behind his back and his body shoved into an unknown closet. It was a sad day when you realize that you are used to odd situations such as these.

"Captain Steve Rogers. You have been summoned to the all mighty courts of Justice for questioning." A disguised voice said through a robotic sounding machine. Steve sighed - he was too tired for this shit.

"On what grounds?" He asked warily. There were two bodies in the room with him – he could hear them shifting around in front of him. If he wanted he could knock one of them out before removing his binds and attacking the second person – but something told him these weren't seasoned kidnappers –_ no, it sounded more like a pair of idiots. _

"Due to the fact that you did not fulfill the requirements of the SMK game yesterday at 12:57 pm in some unknown location over the South American continent." Another voice chimed in also using a voice scrambler. He rolled his cloth covered eyes.

Yup – definitely idiots.

"I would like to know the identity of my accuser and talk to them face to face please. I would also like to be able to see at all actually." He said playing along.

"We can't do that Captain – it would go against the Court rules." One of them said as they pushed him into a chair.

"If there are any, you're probably making them up right now." He said dryly. He heard some hushed whispering before the voice that sounded suspiciously like a canary with a cold spoke.

"If you are uncooperative we will be forced to use persuasive actions." He stated firmly. Steve snorted.

"Boy, I am seasoned soldier – there are no torture methods out there will make me talk." He said confidently.

"Oh we know. We did our research. We also have insider information _– we know your secret Captain_." Scrambler said evilly.

"I don't have many secrets – you can google most of them online if you don't already know." Steve said wryly.

"Oh really? Then do the crazy internet junkies know about your greatest weakness?" The canary voice asked. Steve froze – _no one knew about that_ – it was his most well-guarded secret.

"You're bluffing." He said evenly. He heard some shuffling and suddenly felt a feather lightly touch his nose._ Oh no. Oh god no. _

"Clear the torture zone partner." The canary voice said ominously.

"Aw that's disgusting man –do you know that this guy hasn't taken a shower in 70 years right? A couple of months are not going to take _that_ stench away!" The scrambler said sounding like he was holding his nose. Okay now he was just insulted.

"Hey! I don't have smelly feet!" Steve protested.

"Oh my god. Move aside you baby!" The canary voice said as he came over and did the job himself. The now bare foot captain gulped.

"I'LL STILL NEVER TALK!" He shouted in defiance. He could feel the two men share a look over his head.

"Hold him down."

_5 minutes later._

"HAHAHAHAAHAHA! NO! HAHAHAAHA! I WON'T DO IT! AHAHAHAHA! MY STOMACH! AHAHAHAHAHA! I'M GOING TO DIE!" Steve sobbed from the table he was tied down to. They now had three feathers taking the mickey out of the poor soldier.

"You just don't know when to give do you Captain?" Canary asked mischievously.

"AHAHAHA! I CAN AHAHAHA DO THIS ALL NIGHT! AHAHAHAHAHA!" Steve squeaked as tears starting streaming down his face.

"I think we are going to need to go to stage 2 after all partner." Scrambler said.

"You mean cut the chest part of his shirt off?" Canary said evilly. Steve paled. _No_. Not the nipples!

"What do you think Captain? Are you prepared to go to the next level?" Scrambler asked. Steve spasmed on the table.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! I STILL WON'T GIVE IN DAMN IT! AHAHAHAHA!" He sobbed through his tears. He might just pass out from lack of oxygen before they got their information. He suddenly felt a pair of cold metal scissors at the edge of his shirt. _Oh. My. God. _

" AHAHAHAHA!THIS IS FREAKING SEXUAL ASSULT! AHAHAHAHA!" Steve shouted his face turning blue from all the laughing.

"Give us what we want!" Canary said. _Snip_.

"AHAAHA! NEVER! AHAHA!" Steve screamed. _Another snip. _

"You know we're not bluffing Captain." He warned. _Yet another large snip. _Steve felt a piece of his shirt slide off and hit the floor.

"Wow Cap…no wonder those crazy little girls scream when your suit gets so ripped up from battle you can see right through it." Canary whistled. Steve was mortified.

"AHAHAHA PLEASE NO! AHAHAHA!" He sobbed half way to insanity. The feather was positioned at his nipple.

"Last chance." He warned.

"I WON'T BETRAY MY COUNTRY BECAUSE OF A FEATHER DAMN IT!" He shouted as his last defiance. He felt them shrug. _Swipe_.

"OKAY! OKAY! I'LL GIVE! I'LL GIVE! I'LL GIVE! AHAHAHA! JUST STOP THE TORTURE!" He begged. He was basically bawling like a baby at this point.

"SAY IT!" They shouted in unison.

"I'LL FUCKING MARRY CLINT! FUCK STARK AND MURDER NATASHA!"" He finally shouted at the top of his lungs.

_Silence_.

The feathers fell to the ground. Steve body finally stopped spasming and he just lay there half way to being violated.

"Wow…I didn't see that one coming." Canary said.

"Congratulations! You have been officially blackmailed Captain Steve Rogers – welcome to team Mayhem. We have one objective and one objective only – to completely and utterly turn SHIELD headquarters upside down and drive Fury crazy as fast as humanly possible. Preferably without dying in the process." Tony said taking off the bag from the Captain's head and watching the poor soldier go into shock. He was twitching awkwardly. Clint and Tony stared at him funnily.

"Um…I think we broke him Stark." Clint said warily. Steve whimpered.

Oh my god. He should've been stronger _– but those damn feathers._

**Day 20: Mayhem aboard the helicarrier **

_Inspired by: Anime-GuardianAngel and whoever else likes to watch Fury squirm _

Agent Hill was once again reading another status report from the latest Avengers mission – it was brutally hard to read through as always. Thor's grammar was horrible and there were so many blank unaccounted for timeslots that she didn't know if she should just chuck the report out the window and demand the Captain write the reports from now on. He was the only one with military experience in intelligence paperwork. Taking turns was obviously not working out for everyone.

_Buzz_. "Agent Hill – there is a break in the main water frame on the 3rd floor." An agent said through her com link. Hill continued to read the disastrous report as she walked towards the control room.

"Do I look like the engineering department to you?" She replied evenly. There was a pregnant pause.

"It's in the shape of a letter A." The agent said warily. She froze.

"Are you sure it's not a fluke?" She asked warily.

_Buzz_. "Agent Hill there is a large suspicious package blocking the Director's door." Someone kill her now.

Buzz. "Agent Hill – there has been an unknown breach in security on level 1 – near the garbage shoot." Another agent buzzed into her com. She sighed.

"Wait on standby." She ordered before she messaged her secretary.

"Agent Gram?" She said warily.

"Yes Agent Hill?"

"Clear my entire schedule for today and tomorrow." She said tiredly.

"Done – is it because of what I think it is?" Gram asked curiously. She sighed once again.

"Their back." Was all she said before she turned around and started heading for the security room – those poor agents have no idea what is coming for them today. Chaos was too kind a word.

_Several floors below the main level._

"So does everyone know the plan?" Tony asked excitedly. The 5 avengers were huddled together in a hall not far from the water break. They all nodded.

"This better be the last time you threaten to use my lab as leverage to pull together a prank team." Bruce said steadily. Tony grinned.

"Oh come on - you didn't need _that_ much convincing - you were beyond happy to get revenge on the junior agents who locked you in that tiny washroom last month with only a green glow stick to keep you company." Tony said with a knowing look. Bruce scowled but otherwise gave no response - it was true - those little bastards were going down.

"Why were we supposed to wear swim trunks again...?" Steve asked hesitantly. He was still self-conscious from the tickle incident - he thinks he might be developing a feather phobia now.

"You'll see." Clint and Tony said in unison with matching smirks. Steve and Bruce shuddered. The devil twins were in the house.

"Alright we have one hour to make this operation a success - if you're not back here on time we're leaving you behind." Tony looked at all of them carefully. "Ready?" He asked. They all nodded. "Go!" He said and they all sprinted off in opposite directions.

Phase 1:

Jake was sitting with his other fellow agents in the SHIELD cafeteria. Today was a busy day and they finally got to take a break for lunch around 3.

"What do you think the A-team is doing right now?" His partner asked while eating his sandwich. He didn't understand how his friend could eat cold food like that - Jake preferred hot soup.

"Probably getting their ass whipped by the next new villain bent on destroying the world." He replied haughtily.

"They're a bunch of lucky poster boys you know? We veteran SHIELD agents do all the work and they get to stand there and look pretty. They get all the good rep too." His partner said disdainfully.

"Yeah – underappreciated much?" Jake said. His partner was about to respond when he noticed someone sitting one bench over from them.

"Hey isn't that James Elroy, the big guy from SHIELD's defense department?" He said curiously. Jake froze.

"Oh _shit_ – don't mess with him! He nearly punched my brains out last time." Jake squeaked.

"Really? What did you do?" He asked curiously. Jake shuddered.

"I accidently spilled my coffee on his vintage shoes." He said fearfully. They suddenly noticed a spurt of liquid fly over their heads and to their horror splashed right into Elroy himself. The man was now soaked in what appeared to be boiling hot soup. The two agents looked at each other in horror and stared down at Jake's tray. Oh _shit_. Elroy paused in his motions of eating his lunch and slowly turned to look at the two of them. His face was completely blank. Both agents paled instantly.

"IT'S WASN'T US!" They squeaked. The buff man rose from his seat and held up his pie threateningly. He whipped it at them and they barely ducked in time. _Splat_. They cautiously turned around and saw Agent Poyser's face covered in desert. They gulped.

"RUN!" They shouted as they dived beneath the table and World War 3 started between their tables. Disgusting cafe food was being launched as missiles through the air in all different directions. No one was spared. Within minutes the entire cafeteria was in chaos.

The poor junior agents were dragged out from underneath their table and used as human shields. The poor bastards – didn't even stand a chance.

"BUT WE DIDN'T START IT!" Jake said desperately before his face was caked with Tuesday's mystery meat. Elroy pulled him up to his face and it looked like Jake was about to piss his pants.

"I don't care - I still don't like you." He said simply before he threw the kid across the room and watched as he tumbled into a group of junior agents like a bowling ball.

_Under a table not too far away from the battle zone. _

"Ha ha! SUCKERS! That's what you get for shoving innocent claustrophobic people into small rooms!" Bruce said with a little first pump. Thor watched him warily.

"Do you not think that this is a little too harsh Doctor?" Thor asked cautiously. Bruce paused in his excitement and looked at Thor.

"They called you a Shakespeare wannabe alien who's dumber than a 3 year old." Bruce said frankly. Thor paused.

"LET THE ANGER OF THE GODS RAIN DOWN UPON THESE PUNY HUMANS!" Thor declared raising his mighty hammer. Bruce nodded understandingly, before they started crawling out of the cafeteria – their work here was done.

Phase 2:

_Buzz_. "The cafeteria has been compromised Agent Hill." A senior agent spoke through her com link. She sighed as she switched one of the security screens to the cameras stationed in the cafeteria – it was absolute chaos in there.

"Has anyone found them yet?" She asked into her com. _Static_. No response – _huh_. That was strange. Suddenly all the screens shut down and the lights flickered off. That was never good.

All the screens unexpectedly turned back on and Tony Stark was on every single one of them – she must be in a nightmare – that was the only explanation.

"Hello lovely overworked agents in security room 103! You have now been relieved of all control and access to your systems and codes! So have an early day off – all expenses on Fury. I like you Agent Hill – so if you fear death – don't open your door. Bye, bye!" Tony said cheerfully before the signal died and they were left with fuzzy grey screens everywhere except for the central one that displayed the control room. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"What did Stark mean by that?" A nervous intern asked. They all stared at the door as they heard a rushing noise come closer and closer. They huddled around the window and were confused when they saw a group of agents fleeing down the hall around the corner.

"RETREAT!" They shouted to the other agents in the hall. Retreating, it is like running away _only manlier_. All their mouths fell open when they caught sight of the monstrosity the agents were running from.

"Is that a freaking tidal wave?" One of the agents asked in disbelief.

"Forget waves – is that Clint Barton and Steve Rogers surfing on _top_ of the waves?" Another agent asked even more stunned. Agent Hill pinched the bridge of her nose. That headache was building again.

_Buzz_. "AGENT HILL – WHAT DO WE DO?" A distressed agent asked through her unexpectedly working com link. She watched the poor agent about to be over taken by the rushing waves. Poor bastard.

"Just close your eyes so you don't see it coming agent. It was nice knowing you." She said with a salute. All the agents behind her copied her action. The agent banged on their window frantically before he was washed away by the currents.

May we always stay on the good side of Tony Stark.

"Um…guys…you need to see this." An agent said from behind the crowd that had gathered around the window. They all turned around to stare at the only working screen. _Damn_.

Phase 3:

"Sir…we just lost all communication with the rest of the ship." A nervous agent reported from his station. Fury whipped his one good eye at the man.

"WHAT? Tell you didn't just say what I think you just said Agent!" Fury said angrily. The poor agent was quacking in his boots.

"Sir…power down to 70 percent." Another agent informed him. If he had hair – he would be pulling it out by now. Where is that damn wig?

"What's draining it?" He asked irritably.

"Nothing Sir – it's been rerouted to another part of the ship without authorization." He answered.

"Would you care to let me know what else can _possibly_ go wrong agents?" He shouted. Everyone looked fearfully at their screens and gulped.

"Sir…Agent Hill's Com link is dead." A brave agent spoke up. Fury froze and burned a hole through the agent's soul – he would never be the same again.

_Resounding gasp. _

Agent Hill was _never_ offline.

"Someone get out there and figure out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" He screamed. Several agents scrambled to get to the door when they all heard the echoing _buzz_.

"_Cause we gon' rock this club,  
We gon' go all night  
We gon' light it up  
Like it's dynamite_!" A distinct voice started singing over the ship's intercom. Everyone froze. Oh no.

_BOOM_.

The entire room shook with the vibrations of the explosion. Fury gripped a table to avoid crashing to the floor and then grabbed an agent by the collar of their shirt.

"You will tell what that was and you will tell me RIGHT NOW!" He said dangerously. The agent looked like he was about to cry.

"I-I-I…it s-s-sounded like Stark is here Sir!" He squeaked. Fury stared him down for another second and when it was apparent the poor agent was about to pass out from fear he dropped him on the ground. He looked to the rest of his crew, but they were all fearfully staring at the ceiling listening to the _pat, pat_ noises coming from all different directions.

"Hello fellow stressed and exploited agents - and Popeye. Today I bring glad tidings of mercy – the door is blocked courtesy of Stark explosives, but if you step away from the eye patch you will be spared from our next big event." Tony said cheerfully over the intercom.

Every single agent took a step back from the Director. He shot them all deadly looks.

"You know why we're here Director – if you just agree to our terms it will all stop." Tony said giving the stubborn master of all spies one last chance.

"I do not negotiate while under threat of attack Stark." Fury said firmly.

"Suit yourself." Tony said with a shrug as he pressed a button. A vent right above the director's head opened, allowing a huge pile of yellow goo to fall from the ceiling and coat the director from head to toe. No one dared to breathe. His eyes had murder in them.

"Is that the best you got Stark?" Fury asked – he was actually disappointed. He expected something better than _that_.

"You know, there is this line I always wanted to say but never had the right opportunity to use it -until today. MONKEYS – ATTACK!" Tony shouted over the intercom.

Everyone stood there in utter shock as they watched all the vents around the room burst opens and had _monkeys_ start pouring out of them. _Monkeys_. On the helicarrier. In the control room. Absolute insanity.

"EEEE! EEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The tiny terrors screeched.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Fury said watching the army of primates' race towards him and _only_ him. He glanced down and finally realized he smelled like _bananas_.

Aw shit.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as he was attacked from all sides by the hairy creatures. He went down like a tree. All the agents grimaced. There was nothing saving him now. The pile of monkeys continued to grow and everyone backed up against the wall to avoid getting any of the banana goo on themselves. Self-preservation instincts come first before loyalty.

"_Cause I told you once  
Now I told you twice  
We gon' light it up  
Like it's dynamite!"_ Tony sang as a disco ball descended from the ceiling. How the _hell_ did he get that installed without anyone noticing? They would never know.

"Well I hope you liked our protest demonstration today. The Avengers would like to make a statement – go find another messed up superhero team to save the world for the next two weeks –_ we want a freaking vacation_. Good bye and have a wonderful day!" Tony said cheerfully as he played one last song before he ran for the exit. He had 1 minute left on the clock.

"_Rah, rah, ah, ah, ah_

_Roma, roma, ma_

_Gaga, ooh, la, la_

_Want your bad romance." _Played loudly over the speakers in every room on the ship followed by screeching monkey sounds.

"STAAAAAAAAAARK!" Was heard echoing through every hall and heard by every agent aboard this ship.

Ah, it was good to be famous.

Phase 4:

Natasha stepped off her plane and comes face to face with a deserted hanger. That was _strange_. There were usually hundreds of people coming in and out of the hanger during the day. Where could they all be?

"Pst! Pssssst!" She looked down and was shocked to see around 20 SHIELD pilots hiding beneath a grate in the ground. She crouched down to hear what they were saying.

"They're coming." One of them whispered. She looked at him puzzled.

"Whose they?" She asked warily. They all shrunk away from the light.

"Run!" Was all they said before the doors to the hanger burst open and literally _hundreds_ of monkeys flooded the entrance. She stood up and shot a warning shot into the air. All the monkeys froze in fear.

"Do you really want to do that? Do you really want to cross this line?" She asked them seriously. The monkeys cowered under her deadly stare. She shot another warning shot.

"EEEEEEP!" Was the undisputed opinion of the group.

"No? I didn't think so. So take those monkey butts and march them right back to where you came from." She ordered while pointing her gun towards the entrance. The monkey's fell over themselves to race back through the door they entered. She gave a satisfied nod.

The little group of SHIELD agents below the floor cheered. She ignored them and stalked out of the room – something was _obviously_ not right. She walked down the silent halls of the helicarrier. She was about to turn a corner when someone screamed at her.

"DON'T TAKE ONE MORE STEP!" An agent shouted from down the hall. She looked around the corner and froze. The _entire_ hallway was covered with SHIELD agent bodies from wall to wall.

"How the hell did _this_ happen?" She asked in shock. One of the agents stuck to the wall shrugged.

"There was an explosion that shook the ship and we all got thrown into the wall – apparently we're stuck to them now." She replied dryly. Natasha raised an eyebrow.

"Is the floor covered in this stuff as well?" She asked hesitantly. They shook their heads. She took a cautious step forward and sighed in relief when she was not instantly stuck to the floor. She walked down the hall and tried to ignore the creepy stares everyone was sending her.

"This – I had nothing to do with _this_. I just got back from a mission in China. So don't look at me like that." She said warningly. They all gave her suspicious looks before sighing.

She walked down a flight of stairs and heard a rumbling noise coming from down the hall. She curiously walked towards it. Suddenly the entire Avengers team raced around the corner picked her up and kept running. _What the hell?_

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" She screamed trying to get out of their grasp.

"NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!" Clint shouted as they continued their mad dash down the hall.

"What is THAT?" She asked ask she stared at the gigantic black blob multiplying behind them. They ran even faster.

"It's Stark's new invention! It's a freaking PROTOTYPE!" Clint replied while jumping over a fallen agent. May he remain unconscious and not experience the disaster that is about to befall on him.

"What does that MEAN?" She demanded answers – they were driving her crazy.

"It _means_ the genius is an IDIOT! He can't stop it!" Bruce answered as they rounded a corner.

"Hey! Without experimenting you will never be able to learn how to fix the problem!" Tony said defensively.

"THIS ISN'T A LAB!" They all shouted in unison. He pouted.

"It was too good an opportunity to pass up." He mumbled to himself.

They burst into the hanger and raced towards the ready plane that Natasha had just gotten of mere minutes ago. Tony patted himself on the back – he freaking planned this thing _perfectly_.

"Get the plane off the ground Clint! Go! Go! Go!" Stark shouted as they ran up the ramp and closed it behind them.

"Where are we going?" Clint asked he rushed to start the plane.

"We are going to Hawaii baby!" Stark said as he pulled out a pair of black shades and slide them onto his face. Everyone stared at each other – it could have been worse.

Meanwhile, Maria was watching all the chaos unfold with heavy resignation. It could not have been worse. She looked back to her security agents who were playing cards in the corner and betting on what pissed the A team off _this_ time.

It's a sad day when you realize your fellow agents are used to the A-Team making a laughing stalk out of their leader and continue with their day as if it's no big deal. SHIELD had seen better days before Loki came to Earth for the first time. May Fury finally find peace the day he decides to retire. He's freaking _ancient_.

**Day 21:** Really – you expect me to write a third one after that monster I just wrote? Was that a yes? _Fine_!

TIKI TIKI CURSE

They were all relaxing beside a pool in a private resort off the mainland of Hawaii. They all sighed in unison. This was the life.

"You know Stark – this vacation is so worth all the shit we're going to have to deal with when we get back." Clint said as sipped his martini. Thor was snoring away while Bruce and Steve were splashing in the pool. Natasha was somewhere – likely causing young and old men to drop dead from simply walking passed them. Tony cackled.

"Don't worry Barton – that's how everyone feels after they come back from vacation anyway." Tony replied. Clint snorted. He still had laughing attacks whenever they replayed the video footage from their attack on SHIELD. So it was all good.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Someone shouted from the patio. They all looked up to see Natasha bellowing at no one. That was strange.

"What's wrong honey?" Clint asked curiously. She looked over to them and stalked over.

"THIS!" She said shoving a little wooden hula talisman in their faces. They stared at it in confusion.

"What's about it?" Tony asked. She growled and threw the little doll over the edge of the building. They watched it soar through the air and disappear from sight.

"O…kay?" Clint said slowly. He thinks the sun was getting to her Russian head. She was built for the cold anyway – not scorching Hawaiian sun. She turned her death stare towards the pool and shrieked.

"LOOK! IT'S BACK!" She screamed. They glanced in the direction she was pointing and froze.

"Oh my god!" Tony said while he shot up in his chair. Clint literally jumped out of _his_ folding chair and stepped away from the wooden dolly. It was _not_ sitting beside the pool 2 seconds ago.

"WHAT IS THAT?" Clint shouted – thoroughly freaked out.

"IT'S FREAKING CREEPY! THAT'S WHAT IT IS!" Natasha shouted back.

"Okay guys! Calm down – it could just be a prank!" Tony said sensibly. They all looked back at the doll – it was gone.

"AHHHHHHH!" They screamed.

"Where did it go?" Tony screeched.

"Where did what go?" Steve asked from behind them. They spun around and saw that he was holding the cursed doll. They looked at each other.

"AHHHHHHH!" They screamed as they run away. Steve watched his friends and their weird antics patiently.

"Was it something I said?" He asked aloud.

**Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass **

Who thinks this chapter is insane? (lol I did once the word count started crawling into the 4,000s)

Day 21 was supposed to be Retaliation – Fury style – but this chapter got so long I debated if I should have a day 21 at all XD So until next chapter folks!

I am actually leaving for vacation tomorrow so there won't be any updates for 2 week guys – I'm sorry! I hope you hold on to this one chapter until I come back to write the sequel to mayhem aboard the helicarrier! Bye!

**(Slides some black shades onto her face) Florida here I come! **


	8. Chapter 8

**100 days of Tony Stark madness**

**Chapter 8**

**Day 22: Terror under the Hawaiian sun**

After the 3 of them ran away from the Captain and the cursed doll they hid under a bush in the jungle that was on the outside of the resort. They were on the lookout for haunted tiki dolls.

"How long do we have to stay under here?" Clint whispered to Natasha and Tony. They shushed him.

"If the Captain picked up the doll - maybe it will start following him and leave us alone!" Tony whispered as them watched the unsuspecting tourists walk in and out of the resort.

"I doubt it - that doll is freaking haunted!" Natasha muttered angrily.

"AHHHHHH! WHAT THE HECK IS THIS THING?" They heard a familiar voice scream from inside the resort. Clint and Tony both turned to stare at Natasha.

"Well? What do we do now?" She asked impatiently. They shrugged and listened as the chaos raged on inside the resort.

"Sounds like the Captain has discovered the freakiness of the tiki doll." Clint said watching the entrance fearfully.

"Do you think there are any more of them?" Tony asked warily.

"There was a bunch at the tourist shop yesterday." Natasha said cautiously. Clint froze.

"Um…guys…" He said hesitantly. They both stared at him.

"What?"

"The shelves were empty when I passed by the shop this morning." He squeaked.

Silence. The horror that eclipsed their faces can never be explained in words. Never.

Tony suddenly jumped up and saluted the pair of spies.

"See ya later suckers! I'm out of here!" He shouted before he spun around and dashed through the trees. Natasha and Clint stared after him with matching betrayed expressions.

_5 seconds later. _

"OH _SHIT_!"

He suddenly came racing back and ran right past them. _Woosh_. The air whipped past their faces as they watched him run like a bat out of hell. What could possibly freak him out that much? They're on a freaking vacation island!

"RUN YOU IDIOTS _RUN_!" He shouted over his shoulder. They heard the soft rumbling noise come closer and closer from behind them. They slowly turned around froze.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" They shouted in unison before running after Stark as fast they possible could. Way to give a warning Stark!

There was an _army_ of tiki dolls lined up behind the tree line. An _army_.

One of the tiki dolls got up and looked at the others.

"I told you the humans don't want to play!" It said sadly.

"What are you talking about tiki Joe? We're playing hide and seek right now!" A little girl tiki doll said cheerfully. Tiki Joe looked back at the cloud of dust behind the pack of fleeing avengers. It was not slowing down anytime soon as it moved farther into the distance.

"I don't think they know we're playing." He said uncertainly.

_Half an hour later. _

Tony was at the head of the fleeing group with Natasha not far behind. Poor Clint could barely keep up another few paces back. His feet finally gave out and he collapsed onto the jungle floor – he could run no farther. Clint rolled onto his back and gasped as he tried to catch his breath.

"Go on without meeeee!" He said dramatically. Tony and Natasha paused - they seriously considered that option. Clint looked horrified.

"It was a _figure of speech_! You weren't actually going to leave me were you?" He asked incredulously. Natasha and Tony guiltily looked at each other.

"Guys! What happened to ohana?" He asked feeling utterly betrayed. Tony shrugged.

"We aren't family no more when all we have to do is run faster than you to survive." He said simply. Clint scowled at him.

"Where are we?" Natasha asked interrupting their heated glaring match.

"Away from _them_ duh!" Tony said like it was obvious. Natasha rolled her eyes.

"That's all good and such – but it might not be a good idea to be out in a jungle when night falls." Natasha said sensibly.

"Don't worry – we'll get back before sunset. We'll just retrace our steps the way we came." Tony said confidently.

They looked around – all the trees looked the same.

"Tony?"

"Yeah Clint?"

"You're an idiot."

_SMACK_.

"OW! Hey – at least I was trying to be helpful!" Tony pouted as he massaged his bruised head. Natasha watched him warily – his mother dropped him as a child – she was sure of it.

Suddenly a shiver run down her back - they weren't alone anymore. She heard a quiet growl come from a bush behind them.

"Did you hear that?" She asked glancing around the forest cautiously. Clint and Tony stopped fighting long enough to give her a confused look.

"Hear what Tasha?"

The growl was suddenly ten times louder. They slowly turned around and came face to face with a pair of dark red eyes. They all froze in utter horror.

"Oh."

"My."

"God."

They looked at each other.

"RUN!"

They all fell over each other trying to get away from whoever those red eyes belonged to. Poor Clint nearly got trampled by the frantic motions of a frightened genius.

_Another 30 minutes later. _

"Why are sitting in a tree?" Clint asked finally fed up with this entire situation. The three exhausted avengers had scaled a large tree and was now leaning against the trunk trying to catch their stolen breaths.

"AWOOOOOOOO!" Was heard not far off in the distance. They looked at him in disbelief.

"Nevermind."

They never did manage to get back to the resort before sunset.

_Later that night_.

They had decided it was in everyone's best interest to stay the night in the jungle and wait it out until morning. Natasha was exhausted, Clint was scared out of his mind and Tony simply didn't want to be eaten tonight. They were all fast asleep when little lights started appearing around the treetops.

"Tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki tiki..." Someone whispered beside Clint's ear. He shot up and nearly fell out of the tree. He grabbed onto the branch he was sitting on for dear life.

"Stark!" He whispered angrily into the dark.

"It wasn't me!" Tony whispered back startled awake by Clint's sudden movements.

"Well then who the hell was it?" He asked irritably.

"I don't know! Maybe you were just dreaming!" Tony whispered furiously.

"WOULD YOU BOTH JUST SHUT UP! SOMEONE IS TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!" Natasha bellowed. They both winced.

"I just wanted to know what was making the weird sound..." Clint mumbled feebly. Natasha glared daggers at him.

"Hey what are those?" Tony asked looking up at all the twinkly lights around them.

"They're just fireflies Stark." Clint said irritably.

"Are you sure?" Tony asked curiously. Natasha looked carefully at a few of the moving lights.

"Those aren't fireflies guys..." Natasha said slowly.

"What?" Clint asked in confusion. He turned to look at Natasha and suddenly found one of the firefly lights right in his face. He paled.

He stared at the hanging tiki doll.

The tiki doll stared right back with its glowing eyes.

He fainted.

Natasha and Tony watched in horror as Clint's body crashed into the bushes growing on the forest floor. They slowly looked up at the hundreds of other tiki dolls that surrounded them in the trees.

"Back! Stay back!" Tony said waving a broken branch around him frantically. All the tiki dolls tilted their heads to the side curiously in unison.

"We come in peace!" One of the creepy smiley ones suddenly spoke.

Stark followed Clint into the land of unconsciousness. Natasha was the only avenger left standing. She froze.

"Are you going to faint too?" A little boy tiki doll asked.

"No...Russian spies don't faint." She said firmly.

"What if we do this?" Another tiki whispered right next to her ear. She suddenly felt several tiny hands on her back. She squeaked and accidentally banged her head against a thick branch right above her head. She knocked herself out – that deserves an award.

"Well that wasn't exactly fainting...but it will do. High five Tikis!" The tiki doll with the biggest grass hat said.

"TIKI!" They all said in unison.

_Back at the resort_.

"You have weird magic on Asgard Thor." Bruce said warily as they watched the 3 avengers go down one at a time.

"It is useful at times my friend." Thor replied with an uncharacteristically evil smile.

"Have you visited your brother at the prison recently?" Bruce asked carefully. Thor paused to consider his question.

"Why yes – I saw him a few days ago." Thor replied.

"I have this strange feeling that he is living vicariously through you." Bruce said cautiously.

"Don't be absurd! Loki can never influence me again after that fiasco!" Thor boomed. Bruce raised a challenging eyebrow.

"Who showed you the Tiki magic?"

_Silence_.

"Thought so."

**Day 23: Fury unleashes his fury **

Fury stalked back and forth in front of the assembled Avengers team. They were back from Hawaii – 4/6 of them a little worse for wear.

"You have humiliated me." Fury said angrily. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Not the first time." He mumbled. He got the evil eye – literally in his face.

"SHUT UP!" Fury said dangerously. They gulped – the director _never_ said shut up.

"You have disobeyed orders. You have damaged half my ship in a 60 minute time frame. You have turned an entire intelligence organization on top of its head. And you know what else?" He asked pinning them with a withering look. They shook their heads anxiously.

"You have made me _very_ angry." He whispered darkly.

They paled.

"I will make you _burn_ – but you have a mission to do first." He said suddenly switching tones.

They all sighed in relief. Maria watched their reaction with a heavy heart – poor suckers.

"It's just a mission – it can't be that bad right?" Clint whispered to Bruce. He shrugged.

"We've already done drag – what can possibly be worse?" He whispered back.

Natasha and Hill shared a knowing look.

"Give them the mission files Agent Hill." Fury said as a sadistic smile spread across his face. They didn't feel so sure anymore.

The 6 of them stared down at their mission location and execution and 5 jaws hit the ground.

"WHAT?" They shouted in unison.

"WE'RE DOING _WHAT_?"

"WE'RE GOING _WHERE_?"

"JUST _WHY_?"

"WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?"

"I knew it was too good to be true…"

"It's not _that_ bad boys." Natasha said with a mischievous smile on her face. Leave it to Fury to find the _one_ mission that would only humiliate 5/6 of the avengers. Thank you devious mind – we think alike.

"FOR _YOU_!" They all shouted heatedly. She shrugged – why argue with the truth?

"Hey at least it's not drag!" She said cheerfully – she was having too much fun with this. This is what you get when you manhandle a trained Russian spy you _suckers_!

"No…it's _much_, much worse…" Bruce said collapsing onto his chair.

"You're mission – regardless of if you choose to accept it because you must – is to find our target Mr. James Abandze, lead him away from the premises and bring him back to SHIELD for questioning. The conditions are that he must go willingly and no one can be aware of his capture. You can only knock him out when he's on your jet. Any questions?" He asked innocently.

Their mouths were still on the ground since after reading the location of their mission.

"IN A GAY BAR!" They shouted indignantly. Fury shrugged.

"Congratulations Stark, you're married to Agent Barton. Banner is in a stable relationship with Thor. And Captain…you are going to be the poor single bastard sitting at the bar waiting for our target. Get some seduction tips from Agent Romanoff – you'll need them." He smirked - he had finally managed to silence the superheroes that never shut up. Hallelujah! With a dramatic sweep of his coat he left the horror-stricken Avengers in his wake.

"Aww I wish Pepper was here to see this." Natasha whispered to Agent Hill. The horror on their faces…was just _priceless_! They needed a camera to capture this moment.

_5 seconds later. _

"What do we _do_!" Clint wailed looking ready to burst into tears.

"I don't know! More importantly why the hell am I married to _you_!" Tony shouted irritably. Clint shot him a dirty look.

"Hey that's rich coming from the man who doesn't have the balls to finally marry his girlfriend of 5 _years_!" He shouted at the insulting self-proclaimed playboy.

"At least I'm not a whipped pussy like _you_!"

_Gasp_.

_Silence_.

_Click_.

"I take that back! I just don't want to be married to a guy who watches depressing romantic tragedies by himself at 3 in the morning! YOUR TEARS ARE SO LOUD!" Tony shouted. His outburst echoed around the silent room.

_Cricket…cricket…cricket…_

They both looked at all the judging faces and went bright red.

"WE'RE NOT GAY!" They shouted in unison.

"Doctor…" Thor asked as they watched the pair of avengers throw their hissy fit in the corner.

"Yeah Thor?"

"What does being gay mean…?" He asked quietly. Bruce sighed heavily.

That shut the denial twins up.

"We're doomed." Tony banged his head against the wall.

"Um…have you ever seen Star Trek Thor?" Bruce started hesitantly. Clint face palmed.

"_That's_ where you start Bruce?" He asked in disbelief.

"What? Kirk and Spock are the best example ever! They practically invented slash!" Bruce said defensively. Everyone stared at him.

"What is…slash?" Thor asked slowly. The entire room sweat dropped.

"Actually…what we _should_ be asking is how the straight-laced Doctor knows about Star Trek…let alone the infamous speculative relationship between the Captain and his First Officer." Tony said suspiciously. They all watched the red creep up the Doctor's neck – busted.

"YOU'RE A CLOSET TREKKIE AREN'T YOU?" Tony exclaimed. Bruce shook his head rapidly.

"NO! NO! I'M NOT!" He denied frantically.

"YES! YES YOU ARE!"

"NO I'M NOT I SWEAR!"

"DON'T DENY IT BRUCIE!"

"I'M NOT THE ONE WITH THE ENITRE PLATINUM DVD COLLECTION HIDDEN INA SAFE!" Bruce shouted.

_Silence_.

Natasha and Agent Hill blinked. What just happened?

"Bruce is gay." Tony said blankly. Bruce looked horrified – at this point nobody knew what the heck was real and what the hell was because of the mission.

"That was an _accident_! I'M NOT GAY!" Bruce exclaimed.

"I still do not understand this word." Thor said miserably.

"Where is the Captain?" Clint suddenly asked looking around. They all shared a look and peeked under the table.

Steve was rocking back and forth in fetal position on the ground.

"G-G-G-G-G-G…" He stuttered quietly. He couldn't get a single word out.

"I think he's traumatized." Hill said frankly.

"How do we fix him?" Someone asked.

"Captain we'll give you mouth to mouth if you pass out!" Take a guess to who said that.

He suddenly shot up and banged his head against the table.

"NOBODY TOUCH ME!" He said with a crazy look in his eyes. Natasha rolled her eyes and pulled him out from under the table before she dragged him out the door.

"Come on Steve. We have a crash course in seduction to do." She said with an evil smile on her face. Everyone saluted the horrified soldier as his body was dragged down the hall.

"Good luck Captain!" They said in unison. He whimpered – there was no hope for him once Natasha has him in her clutches.

Everyone looked back at Bruce.

"I'M NOT GAY!"

_The next day. _

The Avengers were assembled in front of the jet that would take them from the relatively safe haven of the helicarrier…and into the darkness of the unknown. They were shaking in their boots. Maybe if they could cause a distraction…

"I can hear your dramatically idiotic thoughts become more stupid by the second – shut up." Natasha said walking past her traumatized team and getting onto the plane. They watched their one and only hope walk onto the aircraft in horror.

They all turned to stare at Agent Hill pleadingly.

"Don't make us do it Agent Hill! Please have mercy on our souls!" They begged falling to their knees. She watched them with a blank expression.

"Did you flood my quarters last week?" She asked blankly. They hanged their heads in shame.

"We didn't mean to!"

She pointed to the jet.

"Go finish your mission Avengers."

They all dragged their feet as they walked their walk of shame.

_On the ground. _

Natasha passed around the com links that they would use to communicate while completing the mission.

"You all know how to use these – stick them in your ear and don't let them fall out. If you lose them – don't come back." She said darkly. The gulped and put the buds into their ears.

"Alright so we are all going to enter the bar in intervals. Tony and Clint are going to head in first and find a table. Steve will enter after 5 minutes and sit at the bar while Thor and Bruce follow in after a few minutes. Everyone must be in character – especially Steve." She said giving each of them a pointed stare and gave Steve a special warning look. "Don't forget your training." She said seriously. He gulped but nodded.

"Who put _you_ in charge?" Tony asked haughtily. She gave him an _are-you-kidding-me look_.

"Do you want to walk Steve through how to flirt with a guy?" She deadpanned. Tony paled.

"Carry on oh knowledgeable one." He amended.

"I have a question." Thor boomed. Natasha gave him a calculating look.

"Is it a question no one has answered yet?" She asked suspiciously.

"I believe so." He said slowly.

Natasha pointed towards the corner of the alley.

"Go explain sexuality to Thor in the corner – _now_." She said staring at Bruce impatiently.

"Why do _I_ have to do it?" He asked incredulously. She grabbed him by his tie and pinned him with a fiery glare.

"Cause technically he's _your_ boyfriend right now – you should at least give him the courtesy of knowing what your relationship entitles." She said threateningly. Bruce gulped and dragged the big confused demi-god into the aforementioned corner.

_Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. _

"I do not understand." Thor's voice boomed. They all rolled their eyes.

_Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. _

They all watched Thor's body fall to the ground with a _thud_. He obviously didn't take it very well.

"He fainted." Bruce said dryly.

"At least he didn't have a panic attack like the Cap." Tony whispered to Clint. Clint snorted and crossed his arms.

"I'm still not talking to you." He muttered angrily.

"What? We're already having a married couple spat?" Tony asked incredulously.

Bruce crouched down next to the unconscious demi-god and poked him warily.

"Thor…if you don't wake up someone is going have to give you CPR." Bruce said cautiously. Thor suddenly shot up and banged his head against the doctor's face.

"Oh my god! You broke my nose!" Bruce cried out as he held his bloody nose away from the disoriented demi-god. They all looked fearfully at his heart rate monitor.

BEEP.

"DON'T GO GREEN!" They all shouted.

"Yeah like yelling at him is going to help." Natasha said sarcastically.

"I'm fine! Does someone have a handkerchief or something?" Bruce asked, his voice muffled by his hand. Natasha handed him a couple of tissues.

"We don't have time for this – wait here I'll be right back." She said as she grabbed her equipment bag and dashed around the corner.

"Where did she go?" Steve asked in confusion. They all shrugged.

"Who knows what goes on in a crazy spider's head?" Tony asked aloud. Clint smacked _him_ upside the head.

"DOMESTIC ABUSE!" Tony exclaimed.

"Does…does this mean we are…like Jane…and…oh my Asgardian peanuts!" Thor said sounding more horrified by the second. He started to rapidly breathe in and out and looked around with wild eyes.

"Is he having a panic attack?" Clint asked warily.

"No…he's just hyperventilating for fun." Bruce said sarcastically.

"Well…how do we make him _stop_?" Tony asked dryly.

"Well. Usually you're supposed to calm panic attacks by using person to person contact…but considering the reason for his panic attack…" Bruce trailed off warily.

"…that just might give him a heart attack." Clint finished for him. They all looked at each other.

"Wait for Natasha?" Tony suggested. They all nodded. Suddenly a new person stalked around the corner and dropped a bag that suspiciously looked like Natasha's onto the ground. He looked around at the scene in front of him and rolled his eyes. They were all very confused.

"Who are you?" Steve asked in confusion. Clint looked carefully at the redhead and gasped.

"Natasha! Why are you dressed up as a guy?" Clint asked disbelievingly.

"My name is Nathaniel right now. And Clint…this is a _gay_ bar – how else am I supposed to get in?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. She was decked out in sleek black shirt along with dark jeans and she was obviously wearing a short red wig. She was also apparently using some voice altering device to make her voice sound deeper and more masculine. Damn – she looked _fine_ as a guy. Clint gaped at her.

"But…but…WHY CAN'T I BE GAY WITH _YOU_?" He whined.

Everyone winced.

"That sounded so wrong on so many levels Clint." Steve said warily.

"Hey! I'm not a bad looking husband!" Tony said defensively.

"No but you're a high maintenance one!" Clint muttered.

"Um…guys? Thor?" Bruce said warily. Natasha looked behind him at the blue faced demi-god. She walked over to the poor bastard and slapped him across the face.

"Snap out of it Thor! See it as a challenge! If you can do the impossible nothing can stand in your way of becoming the next Asgardian King right?" She said decisively. He looked up at her with hopeful eyes.

"Are you sure?" He asked feebly. She nodded confidently.

"Of course! Russian spies are always sure." She said proudly. The guys behind her rolled their eyes but Thor just held hope in his.

"Okay…for Asgard!" Thor raised his mighty hammer. She nodded with satisfaction.

"Alright team. Let's do this! Clint and Stark – get your butts in there." She said pointing towards the entrance of the bar across the street. The two avengers gulped and started walking tentatively across the foreboding divide between the not too sane and the even less sane.

"Walk closer together and freaking hold hands or something. You've got to be believable!" Natasha spoke through their com link.

"We're trying! And that's a stereotype! We don't have to hold hands!" Clint said as they approached the entrance. They did however get slightly closer even though all they wanted to do was run away from each other as fast as possible. The other avengers snickered behind Natasha. She rolled her eyes – they would be next anyway.

"Stark place your hand on Clint's back as you walk through the door." She instructed. Tony scowled but did as she asked. Clint tried to hold down an angry blush. This was so freaking awkward!

"You're killing me." Tony whispered into the com link as they entered the bar. Nobody stared at them for too long – so far so good.

"It's your fault we're here in the first place Stark." She shot back. He glowered on the inside but awkwardly smiled at Clint trying to play the smitten husband – it wasn't easy considering he didn't have any experience. "Go sit down." She instructed.

"You want to sit down honey?" Clint asked putting on his best lovey-dovey eyes.

"Sure let's go find a nice quiet corner." Tony replied lovingly. The team gagged through the com link. Tony's eye twitch – wait until this was over and he got his hands on them.

"Put your arm around him when you sit down." Natasha spoke again.

"That's so awkward!" Clint whispered.

"It's all awkward goddamn it! Just pretend he's me or something!" She said exasperatedly.

"You'd kill me if I did that in public." He pointed out as they sat down and he reluctantly did as she asked.

"Yeah well you're acting right now –deal with it." She muttered. "Make small talk while I get Cap set up." She instructed before she turned towards her next victim. Steve paled.

"You ready Cap?" She asked the trembling soldier. He shook his head rapidly. She sighed.

"You know what I told you to do right?" She said warily. He nodded slowly.

"You want me to go in with you?" She asked the mute Avenger. He sighed in relief.

"Yeah."

She shook her head and turned towards the last two avengers.

"Come in when I tell you okay?" She told Bruce and Thor. They nodded.

"Let's go Cap. You got some flirting to do." She said as they walked across the street. The two fake boyfriends watched the depressed soldier trail behind their cross dressing teammate.

"Poor sucker." Bruce said frankly.

"For once I completely agree Doctor."

As Natasha entered the bar she shoved Cap in the direction of the bar.

"Go order something and wait for Abandze. He's not here yet." She said as she walked away to find the best visual spot in the bar. Steve looked like an abandoned puppy for a second before he pouted and made his way over to the bar. Now was one of those few times he wished he could actually drown his sorrows in alcohol.

Natasha sat down at the other end of the bar where she now had a perfect view of both the Captain and the horrible acting married couple in the corner. Until suddenly a young college boy blocked her line of sight and smiled at her wolfishly. She narrowed her eyes.

"What's your name sexy?" He leered at her.

"Taken." She said frankly. He didn't take the hint.

"Aww come on man. I can see forever in your eyes." He said cheekily.

"But boy all I can see is _never_ in yours." She said kicking her feet back and leaning away from him.

"You're out of your league boy – scat." The bartender said from behind them. They both looked back at the new voice, the boy paled and ran away but Natasha's mouth nearly hit the floor. The man was a serious cutie! If she wasn't already taken by a fairly attractive archer…

"Stop drooling, you're married and he's obviously the only real gay man on this side of the room right now." Stark said breaking her happy bubble.

'_Hey a girl can dream while her husband is off pretending to be gay with a man she hates with a passion.' _She thought casually. The bartender gave her a wink and turned around to make the drink the Cap order.

"What would you like?" He asked after he returned. She gave him an appreciative look and heard a cough in her ear. Stark always ruined her fun.

"Scotch would be lovely." She said happily. He nodded.

"Good choice." He said and off he went to make her order.

"Honey it's disturbing to watch you flirt with a gay man willingly when he's not your target." Clint said uneasily. She shrugged.

"You guys should come in now." She messaged Bruce and Thor as she watched the hot bartender bring her drink to her.

"Thanks." She said shyly. He smiled at her.

"No problem – let me know if you need _anything_." He said suggestively before walking away. She did a happy dance insider her head. Score! She could make a gay man want her – granted she was dressed as a man herself at the moment. She watched as Bruce and Thor awkwardly made their way into the bar and chose a table. The bar itself was filling up pretty fast – there were a lot of couples mingling everywhere at the moment. She saw that the dance floor was starting to fill up pretty quickly as well. Maybe the pumping music would inspire Steve. She glanced back at the door as it opened and a moderately attractive dark haired man walked in. Showtime.

"Abandze's here. Time to show your stuff Steve." She said as she tentatively took a sip of her drink. Let's see how well the Captain could let his inner gay man shine. She wasn't going to bet too high though.

Abandze walked passed her and made his way deeper into the bar. He took a seat not too far from the Captain and ordered a drink for himself. He glanced at Steve curiously.

"Stop trembling and give him a flirty smile Steve." She instructed quietly. Steve winced and smiled awkwardly at Abandze. It might just be Rogers's lucky day – awkward seemed to be Abandze's type.

"Hello my name is James." He said extending his hand out to the shocked Captain. He slowly shook the man's hand.

"I'm Steve." He said tentatively. He started to sweat a little when the man held his hand a little too long.

"Keep talking." She ordered as she looked back at the commotion occurring on the other side of the room.

"Come on you'll have a better time with me. Just _look_ at this guy – he has playboy written all over him!" She gasped. A sleezeball was chatting up her man! Tony looked rightfully offended.

"Hey buddy! Back off - he's mine!" Tony said defensively. Clint gave him a wary look – was he defending his honor or something? The sleezball shrugged.

"Just letting him know there's a better offer." The jerk said wagging his eyebrows at Clint. Clint glared at him.

"I'm happily taken thank you very much." He said irritably – doesn't matter by who. The sleezeball shrugged and walked away seeing that he was dealing with a lost cause.

"Clint why do people keep hitting on you?" Natasha asked warily.

"um…cause it's a bar?" He said dryly.

"Yeah but you're obviously married – they should hit on your less than…you're not wearing your rings are you?" She asked blankly. Their eyes widened. They frantically searched through their pockets.

"Shit put them on!" Natasha instructed hurriedly. They slipped on their rings as fast as they could but someone in the table across from their noticed.

"THEY'RE ELOPING!" Someone exclaimed.

"NO WE'RE NOT!" They denied in unison.

"We're already married!" Clint said with an internal wince.

"Closet married gay couple." The guy rolled his eyes and walked away. They both gaged on the inside but slumped in relief. Natasha watched them unhappily.

"You're not blending in at all – people are staring. Kiss Stark." She said into the com link. They froze.

"You're my freaking wife! How could you _possibly_be okay with this?" Clint whispered frantically. She rolled her eyes.

"Because it's for the mission – NOW DO IT!" She insisted. Closet yaoi fan anyone?

Clint and Tony both looked at each other in disgust.

"Look like you mean it folks! Not like you're going to puke right through it." She said as she watched Steve really start chatting up the target. He was a natural! She froze.

What did _that_ mean?

"Stark I hate you." Clint said defiantly as he leaned closer.

"Not more then I hate Fury at this moment Barton." Tony said as he closed his eyes.

Bleh! Was their mutual opinion. It was like kissing your aunt!

Thor and Bruce were heard laughing hysterically in the corner.

"Good job – you guys kiss like shit. I'm going to go save the Cap now – he's a lovely conversationalist – needs work on the seducing part though." She said as she got up and walked over to the chatting pair.

Tony and Clint pulled back and tried not to gag.

"Is she…"

"About to pretend to be a gay man and seduce our target? Yup."

"Is it going to work?"

"Oh yeah…she's done it before."

"…Your wife is weird man."

"Don't I know it?"

"Hi Steve who you talking to?" She said smoothly sliding into overly curious friend mode.

"Um…this is my friend – James. James this is Natas-Nathaniel." Steve stuttered.

She internally face palmed – how could you friend zone him like that Steve?

She shook hands with James. He did not hold her hand that long – hmm. "Nice to meet you Nathaniel." He said politely. Definitely liked Steve then. "Should I get us another round of drinks?" He offered. They nodded and he went off to order a round for them.

"I have an idea - cause a scene Bruce!" Natasha said as she watched the target talk to the bartender and pick up a round of drinks.

"YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME?" Bruce shouted suddenly getting up from his seat and stared down at an extremely confused looking Thor.

"What? I do not cheat dear Bruce!" Thor said frantically looking around at the staring people. Is this part of the mission?

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I THOUGHT WE WERE FOREVER!" Bruce wailed. Natasha looked impressed – Bruce had some acting style.

"I-I-I don't know what you're talking about Bruce!" Thor said looking more anxious by the second. People stopped talking to watch the scene unfold.

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE ONE!" Bruce looked like he was about to burst into tears.

"Maybe we should find another place to chat?" James said as he came back with their drinks. Natasha smirked internally. Played right into her hand.

"Sure why don't you and Steve go on ahead I'll catch up after grabbing my coat." She said elbowing Steve as she walked back to her original seat. He took the hint and lead James out the door.

Now for some fun.

She walked over to Stark and Clint.

_Slap!_

"How dare you kiss my husband?" She shouted.

"WHAT THE HECK? What are you talking about?" Tony said holding his bruised cheek. She grabbed a bewildered Clint by the collar and smacked her lips down on his. There were several cat whistles heard in the background. Stark stared at the pair of spies making out right in his face. What the hell was going on?

She pulled back and grinned down at the dizzy archer.

"Wanna leave this sucker and run away with me fella?" She asked suggestively. He frantically looked back and forth between his husband-in-mission and wife-in-real-life. What was a man to do?

"YOU'RE LEAVING ME FOR _HIM_?" Tony shouted playing the part of the scorned husband.

_BANG_!

Everyone in the bar froze.

"ALL 5 FIVE OF YOU – GET OUT!" The bartender said holding his smoking gun. He grabbed Bruce and Thor and literally threw them out the door. He turned around to glare at the triangle trio.

"Get out." He said dangerously. Natasha shrugged and dragged a very confused Clint Barton out the door by his tie with a huffing Stark not far behind. It didn't matter if he wasn't gay – she totally made him looked played!

**Day 24: Sob story **

It was 3 am and none of the Avengers were sleeping. They weren't awake by choice though. The TV was on and Clint was doing it again.

"STOP SOBBING SO LOUDLY!" Tony shouted through his door.

"I can't help it! IT'S SO SAD!" Clint wailed as his blew into a tissue. There was a massive mountain growing beside him.

"What are you watching that can possibly make you cry like a baby?" Bruce said sleepily walking into the common room.

"It's the Time Traveller's Wife! It's so good!" Clint said staring at the screen mesmerized by the depressing scenes of love yet tragic foreshadowing. Natasha's door banged open and a shoe flew through the air. Clint ducked skillfully and continued to watch the sad film.

"Barton don't make me come out there!" She said threateningly. He peeked over his pillow.

"But honey – it's one of your favourites!" He said not taking his eyes off the screen. She poked her head through the door.

"Rachel Macadams?" She asked curiously. He nodded rapidly. She sighed and walked over.

"Scoot over Clint – I might as well get comfy." She said as she sat down beside the teary archer.

Steve's door suddenly swung open and his enthusiastic head popped out.

"Did someone say Rachel Macadams?" He asked excitedly. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Someone has a celebrity crush." He said dryly. Steve excitedly made his way over to the large couch and took a seat in front of the wall to wall flat screen TV.

"Now all we need is Thor and this will be a party." Bruce said warily. They all glanced towards the demi-god's closed door. Not a peep.

"What are you all doing?" Someone asked from behind them. They all jumped startled by the sudden new voice. They turned around to see Thor standing in the doorway of the Avengers common room with an arm full of cotton candy. They all looked at each other.

"We'll show you the awesomeness of Rachel Macadams if you share your cotton candy with us!"

Thor looked curiously at the screen and back at the hungry look in his teammate's eyes. He feels like there is a hidden threat somewhere behind that offer.

"Sure..." He said slowly.

_5 minutes later. _

The entire Avengers team was sitting on the couch sobbing their hearts out.

"I did not realize Midgardians had such magic!" Thor wailed with buckets of tears flowing down his face. Tony had literally given him a bucket.

"It's even _sadder_ when you watch it with friends!" Clint sobbed into another tissue. They now have a collective sea of tissues littered around the couch. You could practically swim through it.

"Can someone pass me the tissue box?" Bruce asked politely while trying to quiet his hiccups. Tony handed him a brand new box from under the coffee table.

"I can't believe he _died_!" Steve wailed beside Natasha. She nodded dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

"It was never meant to be Captain." She said sadly.

"I can't believe you do this every night Barton!" Tony sobbed as he stuffed his face with another hand full of cotton candy.

They all sniffled when the after credit photos rolled across the screen.

"ANOTHER!" Thor boomed. Steve passed him the box of tissues.

They all sneezed into their respective tissue in unison.

**Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass Badass**

**LONGEST CHAPTER EVER! (6,000+ words!) **

**It's because I love you all and I'm leaving you with this massive laughing attack inducing piece of love! Because I am still on vacation and it will be another weekish until I update again! **

**I hope you liked it! Leave a review letting me now what you think! **


	9. Chapter 9

**100 days of Tony Stark Madness **

**Day 25: Never mess with Natasha Romanoff's guns. Period.**

It was new day at the Avengers Tower and no aliens, mobsters or ninjas have infiltrated the building - yet.

No, the only things the Avengers had to worry about today was the wrath of a seriously pissed Russian spy.

No big deal.

"GET OUT OF THE VENTS YOU _CHICKENS_!" Natasha shrieked as a rain of bullets ricocheted off the metal shaft. 5 avengers sat in the metal container trembling in fear. Don't ask how they managed to fit Thor in there - she might find the hole.

"We didn't mean it Natasha! We were drugged!" Clint said feebly. The epicenter of the rain of fire suddenly focused under the place where his voice came from. He squeaked from the heat of the vicious attack.

"YOU IDIOTS! YOU FREAKING VIOLATED MY ENTIRE VINTAGE FIREARM COLLECTION!" She screamed absolutely vibrating with fury. They gulped as the bullets started making actually dents at their feet.

"I'll buy you-" Tony started to say when he was interrupted by a defeating sound.

BANG! The vent shook from the impact. She had whipped the handgun at the metal shaft with enough strength to nearly smash right through the 3 inch thick metal. They nearly pissed their pants in terror.

"THEY WERE ONE OF A KIND YOU MECHANICAL FREAK!" She roared taking another gun out of nowhere and continuing her blazing assault on the metal container.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"COME OUT HERE AND FACE ME LIKE THE MEN YOU CLAIM YOURSELVES TO BE YOU FOOLS!" She shrieked. They all looked at each other in horror - that was a freaking death sentence.

"She'll eventually run out of bullets right?" Bruce asked fearfully. He was frantically rocking back and forth. Don't go green. Don't go green. Don't go green. The entire team froze when they heard the telltale BEEP.

"No Bruce just hold on! If you hulk out now you'll doom us all!" Clint said horrified by the thought of facing his wife in open space.

They all sighed in relief when they heard a resounding _click_. Her round was finally empty.

They fearfully listened as there were some shuffling noises coming from the ground and then a piercing snap, click, BOOM! The entire hall shook with the vibrations of the shot. All the male avengers paled in unison.

"Where the heck did she get a freaking MACHINE GUN?" Tony shouted hysterically.

"We're world renowned superheroes men! Are we going to cower to the wrath of one angry woman?" Steve asked defiantly.

BOOM!

They all stared at the gaping hole in the vent 3 feet to the left of the frozen Captain.

Fuck pride.

"CRAWL!" They shouted as they rushed to get out of the line of fire.

_Yesterday_.

Clint yawned as he walked into the shared team kitchen that morning to make himself and Tasha some much needed coffee - we all knew what she's like without her coffee. Shudder.

As he waited for the coffee maker to do its job he leaned against the kitchen counter and finally noticed the mysterious chocolate cake sitting innocently on the table in the center of kitchen. He picked up the little note sitting beside the delicious baked piece of heaven.

DO NOT TOUCH UNDER THREAT OF DEATH

He snorted. Well that was just _asking_ for trouble.

An hour later at a saner hour to be up Steve entered the kitchen and nearly missed the ridiculous scene behind the counter as he made a beeline for the fridge. He froze and nearly dropped his glass as he stared at Tony piggybacking Thor with an odd looking fishing rod in his hand and a familiar arrow attached to the end of the string. They both had matching crash helmets strapped to their heads and Tony has a ski mask covering his face. His mouth fell open when he realized that Thor was holding _his _Captain America shield protectively in front of him. They both gave him equally too big smiles.

"Do I even want to know?" Steve asked cautiously.

Thor and Tony shared a look.

"We think the cake is rigged to explode." They said in unison.

"And _this_ is what you've arrived at as a solution?" Steve asked pointing in their general direction. The two avengers shrugged.

"What else could we do Captain?" Thor asked. Steve sighed.

"Why do you think it's not just a normal cake guys?" Steve asked curiously.

"Because the only person in this entire building who _can_ bake a cake to save their life is Bruce - and he hasn't left his lab in _days_." Tony said still staring at the ominous desert.

"Are you sure it didn't come with a note or something?" Steve asked walking up to the table and inspecting the vicinity of the sugary snack. Tony quickly stuffed the little note that he swiped from the table into Thor mouth and forced him to swallow the evidence. Literally.

"Nope!" Tony said cheerfully as Thor had a silent gagging fit underneath him.

"Well I think you two are just over reacting. Watch, I'm going cut this cake and nothing is going to happen." Steve said taking out a small knife from a drawer.

Tony and Thor watched as he brought the knife towards the cake in horror.

"NOOOOO!" They shouted, but it was too late Steve's hand had already reached the frosting on the cake. His knife sliced right through the soft bread.

And then squat happened.

_Cricket...cricket...cricket..._

"Well that was anticlimactic. Now we're going to get murdered for making this stick for no reason!" Tony said miserably chucking his fishing rod to the ground. Steve looked carefully at the stick - after closer inspection it wasn't really a rod at all...

"AHHH! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BOW AND ARROWS?" They heard someone screamed in the room next to the kitchen. Thor and Tony winced.

"Quick grab the cake and _run_!" Tony said gesturing for Thor to lean forward so that he could swipe the cake. Steve promptly picked up the plate holding the brown chunk of happiness away from their reach.

"No cake until you apologize to Clint for using his personal belonging for stupid intentions." Steve said firmly. Tony groaned.

"But that means we have to apologize to Bruce too!" He whined.

"TONY!" They heard the doctor shout right on cue. The 3 avengers watched as the door to the kitchen banged open to reveal a livid looking archer and a slightly green doctor. Steve paled - they looked angry beyond reason - he didn't feel like being collateral damage today.

"I have delicious chocolate cake and if you don't calm down this instant I am not opposed to throwing it on the ground!" Steve declared holding the cake high above his head. The entire team looked at him in horror as if he just said he murdered little babies in a past life. Clint and Bruce huffed and crossed their arms.

"Good! Now everyone sit down and we can each have a slice of cake." He said bringing the cake down and placing it on the table in front of him. They all gathered around the gigantic desert with forks at the ready.

Clint shot the captain a burning look.

"And _then_ you may kill Stark." The captain amended. Tony rolled his eyes and they all stuffed a fork full of chocolate cake in their mouth at the same time.

They all promptly passed out.

_1 hour later. _

_"_WEEEEEEEEEE!" Tony screamed happily as he somersaulted across the room in a race with a little bot - the bot was square bot. Yet it was still beating him. Defies the laws of physics we know.

The square bot cheered as it reached the finish line 3 rolls before Stark. He fell to his knees in agony shaking his fists in the air.

"You've bested me twice you metal booooooox!" Tony bellowed.

"BUZZ! BUZZ!" The bot said angrily. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Fine you _vintage_ metal box! I will avenge myself!" He proclaimed to the sky.

"Buzzzzzzzz! Buzz! Buzz!" The bot said with a metal eye roll. Tony pouted.

"You can _too_ avenge yourself!" He whined as he stomped his foot on the ground.

On the other side of the avenger common room.

"Ehehehehehehe." Thor giggled in the corner with Bruce as they watched in twisted fascination as a little cockroach zipped frantically back and forth across the floor as Thor kept sparking a lightning wall to block the poor roach's path.

"AHAHAHAHA! Nothing can top this!" Bruce said gleefully clapping his hands. Thor raised an eyebrow.

"Oh I beg to differ my friend." Thor said as he sparked a cage around the doomed roach and pulled his hammer out of nowhere - makes you wonder where in his big buff outfit he hides the massive tool - pun intended.

"AS THE PUNY HUMANS OF MIDGARD SAY - WHACK THE ROACH!" Thor roared as he chased the roach that just won't die around the common room.

"EK!" The roach squeaked as it dived beneath the large couch in the middle of the room.

"YOU MAY RUN - BUT I SHALL CRUSH YOU ANYWAY LITTLE BUG!" Thor roared as he flipped the couch over with a single hand. Bruce peeked over his broad shoulder to see where the roach had gone and burst out laughing.

The roach was cowering under a dust bunny.

"I HAVE FOUND YOU TINY IMMORTAL BEING! NOW FACE THE WRATH OF MY MIGHTY HAMMER!" Thor said before he began to whack his hammer everywhere the roach tried to run to.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

In another corner of the common room.

Clint and Steve were smoking candy cigarette sticks at the private bar in nothing but their boxers acting like a pair of seasoned gangsters.

"This is the life my friend." Clint said in a terrible fake New Jersey accent as he took a sip of his apple juice – he couldn't find the beer.

"You got the goods?" Steve muttered blowing out a cloud of candy dust. Clint leaned closer to the Captain and passed him a small brown bag.

"I got zzz nookies." He whispered glancing around the room suspiciously. Steve took a peek inside the bag and a creepy smile spread across his face. He passed the archer a wag of cash and fled from the bar.

"AHAHAHAHA MY GUMMIES!" He shouted as he ran around the room shoving gummy bears in his mouth as he went.

Clint sniffed the cash wag and licked one of the 1 dollar bills. He made disgusted face.

"Yeah that was real." He said trying to wipe the bad taste from his mouth. He slammed the wag of cash on the coffee table.

"I CHALLENGE THE TO A GAME OF POKER!" Clint declared to the room.

Everyone promptly ignored him and continued whatever they were originally doing. Clint gaped at his team.

"DON'T JUST IGNORE MEEEEEEEE!" Clint sobbed.

No one spared him a second look.

"Oh my god guys - look its Nemo and his friends!" Tony shouted pointing at the large aquarium built into the wall of the room. You would think he would know his own pets...but then again he wasn't really in control of his facilities at the moment. Frankly none of them were.

The Captain froze as he stared at the large fish tank.

"Did someone say NEMO?" He asked in shock. He shoved his face right up against the aquarium. "NEMO I SHALL FIND YOU!" He shouted into the glass – all the fish swam away from view. The cap hung his head in shame.

"Why do they swim away so fast?" Steve sobbed. The rest of the team shared a creepy smile.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Tony asked in awe.

"Are you thinking we should all go to Harry Potter world and declare it the lair of our new villain and evacuate everyone so that we can be magical kings for a day?" Bruce asked excitedly.

_Cricket…cricket…cricket…_

"No…"

"We are going to have – A RACE!" Tony and Clint said in unison.

_20 minutes later._

"GO! GO! GO! GO!" They all shouted crowded around a wide microscope. Tony raised his hands in the air in victory.

"I WIN! AHAHAHAHA! My semen can swim faster than yours!" He said doing a happy dance. Steve knocked his cup to the ground.

"That's not fair – my semen is at a disadvantage!" He whined.

"WHAT THE HECK? MINE IS SLEEPING!" Clint said in horror.

"Maybe they need an incentive." Bruce theorized.

They all stared at each other for a couple of seconds.

"We need an egg." Tony said simply.

"She would never give us an egg." Steve said sadly. Tony wagged his eyebrows creepily.

"I can make an egg." Tony said rubbing his hands together slowly.

"Would it take longer than an hour?"

"Okay scratch that idea."

"What if we gave our semen some momentum at the beginning so that they'll move faster?" Bruce suggested.

They all turned towards Clint.

"Where is it?"

"Where is what?"

"The stash – her stash."

"YOU CAN'T HAVE HER EGGS THEIR MINE!" Clint shouted jumping up and down.

"We were talking about her firearm stash."

_Cricket…cricket…cricket…_

"Do you fear death?" Clint asked ominously. They all looked at each other.

"Nope."

"Okay good! I shall go get them!" Clint said skipping off to his room.

"Where is Thor?" Steve asked looking around. They all looked behind the bar and found Thor rolling around in a pile of balloon-like objects.

"THESE BALLOONS AMUSE ME SO!" Thor boomed. Tony peeked over the edge and picked up an empty rectangular package.

"We didn't have any balloons Thor…" Tony said slowly.

"Then what were the little stretchy cylindrical objects with the circle at the end?" Thor asked in confusion. Tony and Clint started to giggle.

"CONDOM BALLOONS! AWESOME!"

_20 more minutes later. _

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"AHAHAHAHA! MY SEA MEN WIN AGAIN!" Tony shouted with a first pump of victory.

"I WAS SO CLOSE!" Steve said falling to his knees.

"My semen is confused by this Midgardian custom!" Thor sulked as he poked his cup.

"Why buddies? WHY DO YOU FAIL ME?" Clint sobbed on the ground.

"AHAHAHA! Get it? Semen? Sea men?" Tony giggled.

"I never win anything." Bruce pouted in the corner.

Tony sudden froze and stared at Bruce with a maniacal smile.

"What does hulk semen look like?" He asked slowly.

They all looked at each other.

"UNLEASH THE BEAST!" Thor boomed.

"Hazzah!" They all cheered.

"We're going to need a bigger gun for that."

_Present day. _

"MY BABIES! YOU RAPED MY BABIES!" Natasha shrieked as she aimed the machine gun at the other end of the vent.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH A GIRL WHO CONSIDERS GUNS HER BABIES!" Tony shouted as they ducked.

_Creak_.

They all froze in utter terror.

"NOOO!" They shouted. They all held on to each other for dear life as the side broke and they all crashed to the ground. When the dust settled they found themselves nose to nose with the end of Natasha's baby. They looked up and saw that she had another couple rounds hung around her shoulders. The team fearfully raised their gaze to her furiously blazing eyes and nearly fainted.

"Oh dear god."

"Hello chickens." She said dangerously. They all paled rapidly.

"I CAN MAKE COFFEE!" Clint shouted as a last resort.

"I learned how to get JARVIS to make it properly – you're dispensable now." She said darkly.

The horror on the team's face…

Her one weakness – GONE.

"I suggest you run."

In a safe little corner on the helicarrier – two seasoned boss agents we're laughing their heart out.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"THAT WAS PRICELESS!" Hill gasped as she leaned against the Director trying to catch her breath.

"THESE IDIOTS! THEY DID IT TO THEMSELVES TOO!" Fury roared with another bout of laughter. She wiped a tear from her eye.

"That was the best weapon trial we ever did!" She declared completely out of breath.

Director Fury and agent Hill shared a high five and then coughed before they went back to work. They were important busy people after all.

**Day 26: Revenge Russian style**

Two hooded mysterious women met at a dark street corner late one summer night. One had a hunched back with a small sack thrown over her shoulder. The other was several inches taller with a heavy cloak wrapped around her shoulders. They were sweating under the thick fabric – but dramatic standards must be upheld.

"Do you have what I requested?" The cloaked woman asked quietly. The hunch back lady nodded as she slowly brought the sack she was carrying in front of her.

"They are a little worn out from long distance travel – but they'll work." The hunch back said mystifyingly. The cloaked lady took a peek inside the bag and a vicious grin spread across her face.

"There are six custom made ones in here like I asked right?" She asked. The hunch back lady nodded.

"Yes – right down to the last detail." The hunch back cackled.

"Let the fun begin."

_The next morning._

Clint slowly opened his eyes and stared up at the tall tiled ceiling that was not the red ceiling of the avenger common room. He didn't remember the couch being _this_ hard on his back either. He sniffed the air and furrowed his brow – is that chlorine?

He looked to his left and nearly had a heart attack.

"OH MY GOD WHY AM I TIED TO THE 20 FOOT HIGH DIVING BOARD!" He shrieked as the board started to wobble from his screeching. _Creak_. He froze in his thrashing and glanced at the edge of the board attached to the ladder – it was seconds away from breaking off.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as he fell through the air.

_SMACK_!

What a wakeup call.

In a lab many stories below the surface.

"AHAHA! Why are you slapping yourself? Why are you slapping yourself?" Tony asked the little dummy bot as he used his remote control to make the dummy obey his command. Suddenly he dropped the controller onto the floor.

"WHAT THE HECK? WHY AM SLAPPING MYSELF? WHY AM I SLAPPING MYSELF?" Tony shouted bewilderedly as he suddenly found himself whipping himself across the face.

_SMACK_!

"AGH!" He shouted as he suddenly threw himself into a wall.

The abused bot giggled.

"SHUT UP YOU TIN CAN! WHAT'S GOING ON?"

In a busy hallway on the research side of the building.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Thor screamed as he shot passed all the shocked faces of Stark Industries employees.

"Is he being dragged around the building by a crazy out of control hammer?" One of the scientists asked bewilderedly. His lab partner shrugged and took out his phone to take a video.

"I don't know man – but this is going to go viral on youtube." He said with a grin.

In a foyer right in front of the main doors.

"Bruce why are you doing an Irish jig, with an Irish hat, in Irish clothing in my lobby?" Pepper asked in confusion.

"I CAN'T STOP DANCING!" He yelled as he danced across the hall. She raised an eyebrow.

"Feel the power man!" A random employee gave him the thumbs up.

"Really?" She asked dryly.

"No seriously! There's something wrong with me!" He yelped as he got pulled towards the elevator.

"We always knew there was something wrong with you Bruce." She said shaking her head and walked away.

The door to the Avengers common room burst open and several bodies flew through the entrance. A drowned archer, an exhausted demi-god, a red faced billionaire and ragged Doctor with wore out shoes all smack into each other and collapsed onto the floor in the middle of the room.

"What."

"The fuck."

"Was _that_?"

They all glared at Thor.

"THOR!" They shouted in unison. Thor looked at all the accusingly faces in honest confusion.

"Why do you gaze at me with those uncomfortable looks my friends?" Thor asked. They all rolled their eyes.

"Dude you're the only one with the magical mojo background - this has supernatural written all over it." Bruce said, his voiced muffled by floor since he was still lying on the ground - he may never walk again...

"I have been affected by this bizarre occurrence as well my friends! I have the bruise on top of my head to prove it!" He exclaimed showing them the large red bump sitting onto of the lightning wielder's head.

Tony was about to say something when a sudden muffled sob interrupted their conversation. They all glanced over at the couch and finally noticed the sobbing Captain strapped to the sofa with iron chains and duct tape over his mouth. He had massive headphones taped to his head as well. They all looked up at the silent film playing on the screen.

He was being forced to watch DORA the explorer– on replay.

_Le gasp. _

"Someone take the poor bastard out of his misery!" Clint exclaimed as everyone simply stared at the unfortunate soldier – he was never trained for this type of torture.

Steve frantically shook his head and he tried to communicate with them.

"Just hold on buddy! We'll save you!" Tony shouted as he dived for the remote control. Steve continued to shake his head rapidly.

"MMm!" He yelled through his duck tapped mouth.

"It's not working!" Tony cried out in disbelief.

"Try the actual TV!" Bruce shouted as he tried to free the Captain from his binds. Tony ran up to the large screen and tried to shut it off from there.

"_Backpack, Backpack, Backpack, Backpack. I'm the Backpack loaded up with things and nick knacks too. Backpack, Backpack. Backpack, Backpack. YEA!"_ Suddenly an overly happy voice started singing over all the speakers in the room. Everyone froze.

"TURN IT OFF!" Clint shrieked.

"MY EARS!" Thor boomed.

_"Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping!" _Another scene came on.

"AHHH!"

"I CAN'T IT'S NOT WORKING!" Tony shouted.

"UNPLUG THE WHOLE THING DAMN IT!"

"MMMMMM!" Steve said trying to get their attention back on him. Bruce looked down at the poor Captain who looked like he was about to pass out. He quickly ripped the duct tape off his mouth.

RIP!

Aww that's _got_ to hurt.

"No Stark don't-" He was too late. Tony had pulled the massive plug behind the screen. All the lights instantly shut off and there were a pair of screams echoing around the room.

"OH MY GOD WHAT IS ON MY LEG?" Clint shrieked as he crashed to the floor flailing his arms in the dark.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" Tony shouted back.

"MY PANTS! WHERE ARE MY PANTS?"

They all heard another loud _crash_ not too far away.

"UGH! Get off me Steve!" Bruce said as he tried to get out from under the Captain's dead weight.

"I can't I'm stuck!" Steve exclaimed trying to push himself away from the fallen Doctor.

"Well get _un_stuck!" Bruce wheezed. Steve huffed and rolled them over so he wasn't crushing the poor doctor's lungs. He managed to maneuver them into a half standing position and tried to pull away from each other.

"Go left!"

"Go right!"

"This isn't working!" Bruce huffed throwing their joint hands up in the air in frustration and accidentally smacking the taller avenger in the face.

"Watch where you whip those things Bruce!" Steve shouted as he stared down at his crooked nose in pain. That wasn't going to be fun to fix since it would be healed before they could set it right. Damn rapid healing serum side effects.

Suddenly all their fighting was interrupted by…song.

"OHH CANADAAAA! OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND! TRUUUUUE PATRIOT LOVE IN ALL THY SONS COMMAAAAND!" Thor sung with all his heart. They all blinked.

"WE'RE AMERICANS! WHY ARE YOU SINGING THE CANADIAN ANTHEM?" They shouted in unison.

"I DOOO NOT KNOOOOW!" Thor sung with a bewildered look on his face. "I CAAN NOOOT STOOP SINGIIIIIING!" Thor continued to sing.

They all looked at each other.

"Cork him."

In a flying invisible ship not too far away the director just got notified that there was an important issues happening in Zimbabwe right now that required his A-team's immediate attention.

"Carlton get one of the team's phone on the line." He said reading through the status report.

"Everyone is offline sir." Carlton replied cautiously. Fury froze and gave him the _eye_.

"What do you mean offline agent?" He asked dangerously. The agent gulped.

"The phone connection is down in the entire downtown Manhattan area sir." He squeaked.

"What the hell are they doing? Hack into Stark's system – get him through there." Fury said firmly. Let's see how Stark likes it when we mess with _his_ toys. The agent nodded and quickly signaled for the IT team to get on it. Fury walked in front of the screen and waited for their connection to go through. He glanced back at his notes as the screen turned on.

"Sound in 10 seconds Sir..." Carlton trailed off as he glanced up at the screen in shock. The director nodded and turned a page.

"Avengers we have a serious crisis in…what the _heck_ is going on?" Fury asked as he finally looked up at the screen showcasing the chaos that was the Avengers common room. Thor was apparently doing the Macarena in the corner sweating buckets of perspiration and his armor completely drenched.

"WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?" He boomed sounding desperate. On the other side of the room Bruce and Steve were arguing 2 inches from each others faces. It would have seemed more intimidating if they weren't completely stuck to each other like a pancake.

BEEP.

"DON'T YOU DARE HULK OUT!" Steve said angrily. Bruce growled and promptly bit his heart monitor strap and started to rip it off his wrist. Steve narrowed his eyes at the doctor warningly.

"I'm warning you…" Steve said dangerously. Bruce gave him an _I'm-not-scared-of-you-pretty-boy _look and ripped the monitor right off his hand and whipped across the room. Steve stared at him in shock.

"WHY YOU SCARE YOU LITTLE SOLDIER BOY?" Bruce shouted as he shoved them both onto the ground.

The ultimate head bashing fight began.

The last two unaccounted avengers were seen waltzing haphazardly around the unconventional brawl.

"FIRST FORCED MARRIAGE NOW _THIS_?" Tony shouted and as he unwillingly lead the archer through the timeless classic.

"SHUT UP! AT LEAST YOU'RE THE MAN IN THE FREAKING DANCE!" Clint shot back as he was reluctantly dragged around the room and nearly fell on his face a few times.

"STOP STEPPING ON MY TOES!" Tony groaned as his poor feet were stomped on once more. Clint's face heated up so fast he looked like a ripened tomato.

"IF I COULD CONTROL THIS I WOULDN'T EVEN _BE_ HERE!" He said defensively. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Excuses!"

Clint was about to respond with an extremely vulgar retort when he noticed the TV was suddenly on again. He paled.

"What? What are you looking at?" Tony asked as he spun them around and glanced at the TV himself. He stopped willingly moving and got dragged through the rest of the dance.

4 out of 5 avengers gaped as they noticed the entire SHIELD control room staring at their _beyond_ odd behavior – even for them. They were known for being eccentric…but this was a whole new ball game. Steve was still stuck in front of Bruce so he didn't quite get the message yet.

"I NEED TO FREAKING TINKLE DAMN IT!" Steve shouted to the sky just as the entire room went quiet. He froze at the suddenly silence and slowly turned around to see the sudden audience staring back at them.

"I will never live that one down." he said in defeat.

"I want to know what is going on – and I want an explanation now!" Fury said angrily watching his A-team continue their bizarre behavior around the room.

"WE DON'T KNOW!" They shouted.

"If you don't stop no-AGH!" Fury abruptly banged his head against the edge of the screen and was suddenly dragged across the room and out the door. Everyone stared after him in shock. There was no one pulling him…

"What just happened?" Agent Hill asked as she walked into the control room through another entrance. The present agents shook their heads still in shock. She looked up at the madness on the screen and furrowed her brow.

"1…3…4…where is agent Romanoff?" She asked warily. The entire control room froze and the Avengers simply gasped as they had no control over their bodies to freeze in shock as well.

"NATASHAAAAAA!"

In a little dark room at the back of a mystical palm reading shop sat a redheaded spy with 6 little familiar looking dolls in front of her. Two of the dolls were tapped together and laying on the table. Another pair of dolls was strung together and spinning around the table. One large blond haired doll was doing intricate moves with the help of a little robot machine with several hands. Natasha stared at her handy work with glee.

"Hahahaha…" She chortled evilly. She taped together a box of cardboard into a familiar round shape.

"This will be the last time you idiots ever mess with _my_ stuff. Intoxicated or otherwise. I will ingrain the terror associated with touching my guns _so_ deep in your skulls you will shake with fear every time you see me in the field." She said dangerously. She smacked the last piece of tap onto her new creation and a creepy grin spread across her face. She picked up the only doll with an eye patch.

"The poor suckers got _their_ punishment. You don't think I know who drugged these idiots?" Natasha asked angrily as she dunked the director's voodoo doll into the makeshift toilet she had made. Who's laughing _now_ toilet boss? Who's laughing now?

**Day 27: Rainbow showers **

CRASH! BOOM! BANG! BANG! CLANK! BAM!

"What the hell is going on down there?" Clint asked bewilderedly as he approached the little crowd of avengers gathered around the shaking garbage shoot door.

"We don't know – it sounds like a war zone in there!" Steve exclaimed sounding equally puzzled. Thor raised his mighty hammer defiantly.

"Do not worry my friends! I shall protect-"

_Tap. Tap. _

Thor froze as he felt a small metal object tap him lightly on the shoulder. He dropped his hammer and gloomily stepped to the side and revealed a pissed Russian spy.

"It is 5 in the morning and we can hear this racket from 30 floors up the shaft. If I find _one_ idiot in there – I will shoot him so fast he won't even see it coming. If I find _more_ than one idiot…" She trailed off letting their wild imaginations finish that thought.

"The doctor wasn't in his lab – I checked." Clint said warily.

Her eye twitched.

She shot the lock off the door and kicked it open. They all peeked over her shoulder and gasped.

"Run Bruce run!" Tony said as he dived behind a large green container with a garbage lid in his hand. Bruce was only a couple steps behind him when something grabbed him by the leg and he crashed to the ground.

"NOOOO! HELP TONY HELP MEEEE!" Bruce shouted as he was dragged back towards the darker side of the room. Tony peeked over the edge of the smelly green bin with a broken pot on his head.

"Hold on Bruce give me a second!" He shouted as he dived back behind the large container.

"I DON'T HAVE SECOND! COME GET ME _NOW_!" Bruce shrieked.

Sparks flew over the edge of the garage bin.

"Is that _dynamite_ in his hand?" Clint asked in shock.

"If the doctor wasn't invincible…" Steve trailed off shaking his head in disbelief.

"DIE YOU VICIOUS RACOONS DIE!" Tony shouted as he threw the sparking dynamite stick over to the other side of the room right into the garbage mountain.

"He just threw a stick of dynamite into a huge pile of garbage." Natasha said blankly. The rest of them nodded. "Dynamites _explode_." She continued. They all froze.

"TAKE COVER!" Clint shouted as they frantically looked for a place to hide – there was none. They all stared at the largest figure in the room.

"THOR LOOK!" Clint said pointing towards a random spot on the ceiling. Poor clueless Thor looked up puzzled by the sudden remark. They all dived behind him just as the dynamite went off.

BOOM!

Large chunks of garbage flew across the room with screeching raccoons hanging onto them for dear life. Thor tumbled back from the force of the explosion and left his poor teammates to get the brunt of the flying garbage.

"Darn I missed the den!" Tony said as he stared down an angry family of racoons hissing in the corner. He hissed back.

"STARK! Why is the garbage infested with racoons?" Steve shouted as he crawled out from under a pile of rotting _something_ – he didn't want to know.

"I don't know! Why don't you ask _them_ why they are here?" Tony shouted back. Steve sighed and looked around to see where the rest of his team was. He found a frozen Clint staring up at the ceiling obviously in shock.

"Clint, are you alright?" Natasha asked warily as she dragged herself out from under a broken bag of mugs and sticky tea bags– don't ask, Thor may never stop apologizing again.

"Why me? Why does this always happen to me?" He asked to the sky. They all shared a puzzled look until their got a whiff of the smell coming from the pile of bags sitting on top of the fallen archer. They wrinkled their nose in disgust.

"So Pepper _did_ throw out my stack of cow manure." Tony said irritably. The rest of the team gave the poor archer a sympathetic look as they slowly inched away from him.

"OH MY GOD THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY PANTS!" Bruce shouted jumping around in the corner.

"What? What is it?" Tony asked curiously.

"It's a mouse! Oh my god! Get it out! Get it out!" Bruce said as he awkwardly hopped around in front of them.

"Doc we may be friends – but I'm not sticking my hand in there…" Tony said warily. Bruce shot him a burning look and suddenly tripped on the feet belonging to a traumatized archer and fell face first into the garbage bag on top of him. A little white mouse scurried away and dived under the fallen garbage bags in the corner.

They all winced. It was too sad to laugh.

Bruce slowly raised his head from the floor and spat out an unknown substance – they tried not to think about that too hard.

"If anyone says a single word – I will _hug_ you." Bruce said dangerously. They all paled.

"We all stink like no tomorrow – I suggest we forget about this incident and just go take a shower." Steve said wisely. They all nodded and filed out of the door. Everyone gave Clint and Bruce a wide personal bubble as they headed out of the garbage shoot.

"I hate you so much sometimes Stark." Bruce mumbled as they walked down the hall. Tony laughed awkwardly.

"I love you too buddy. Just…make sure you wash really well." Tony said with a winced. Bruce narrowed his eyes at his so called best friend.

"STOP HUGGING MEEEEEE!" Tony shouted at the top of his lungs.

_30 minutes later. _

5 screams of bloody murder was heard echoing through the halls of Avengers Tower.

Tony was on the floor laughing his heart out.

"The team is approaching at extreme speeds Sir." JARVIS said warily – if an AL could sound wary.

Tony rolled around still laughing.

"Let them in – I wanna see this!" Tony howled with tears leaking out of his eyes.

"That is not advisable Sir…but I know you will not reconsider." The AL said with a robotic sigh – sometimes it seems like the AL had more than the simple emotion codes Tony had originally configured him with. Imagine what the world would be like if JARVIS one day decided to quit…and turn to the dark side. How on earth would the Avengers defeat their own home? That is a question for another day.

5 angry avengers stomped into the Avengers common room in various degrees of undress. Tony giggled when he saw his handy work.

"STARK!" They shouted in unison. He giggled again.

The Avengers were all sporting radical hair colors at the moment.

"Black hair to match your black soul." He said pointing at the fuming Russian.

"Blue hair cause dude you do blond too much justice and I'm jealous." He said giving the twitching Captain a once over look.

"Red hair to match you're wonderful romantic personality." Tony said dryly waving in the general direction of the demi-god. He walked past the pulsing assassin.

Clint growled at Stark.

"We'll come back to you eventually." He said skipping the vibrating archer and all their eyes landed on the last avenger.

Bruce's hair…was _green_.

Snigger – that one wasn't Tony.

"It's not funny." He said defiantly staring down all his teammates.

Clint stifled a snicker with his fist.

"It's not!" Bruce shouted.

"It sort of is my friend." Thor said quietly. Bruce looked at his rainbow hair coloured friends in betrayal.

"YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN!" Bruce wailed.

"Don't worry Bruce – I know exactly how to make you feel better." Natasha said slowly turning towards the out of breath genius. He suddenly stopped laughing. A chilly breeze unexpectedly swept through the airtight common room. Don't ask how she managed that – just go with the flow.

When Natasha is angry…you should have started running _yesterday_ – and even then she would manage to catch you.

Stark is a freaking masochist – he never learns.

"Grab him." Natasha said darkly. Tony squeaked as 4 pairs of hands grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him down the hall. They passed the elevator just as the sanest CEO Stark Industries has ever had walked out into the hall. Tony desperately waved his arms in his potential saviour's direction.

"Pepper! Pepper! HELP MEEEEEEEE!" He wailed. His sobs fell on deaf ears. She tilted her head to the side.

"Is that justice I hear?" She asked glancing around.

"WHAT KIND OF GIRLFRIEND ARE YOU?" He cried out in shock.

"The fair kind." She said with a shrug.

Tony hung his head in defeat.

"What shall we do with the traitorous felon oh mighty warrior of Midgard?" Thor asked turning towards the furious Russian. She narrowed her eyes at the soon to be regretful genius – unlikely but we can hope.

"Prepare the canvas." She said dangerously. They all shuddered. Tony glanced around at the sympathetic faces of his mutinous teammates.

"What? What are you going to do with a canvas?" He asked bewilderedly. A creepy grin spear across the master assassin's face.

"Get the straps while you're at it." She said simply. Tony paled.

_10 minutes later. _

"NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!" Tony shouted in horror as he tried to avoid any direct hit as best as he could – he was already bruised multiple times.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Best 20 bucks I ever spent!" Clint shouted as he aimed his paint ball gun straight at Tony's nose.

"NOOOOOOOO!" He said as he watched the blue paint ball soar through the air right in front of him.

BAM! CRACK!

"YOU BROKE MY NOSE!" Tony exclaimed.

"SHUT UP YOU MULTICOLORED BABOON! YOU DYED MY HAIR _PINK_!" Clint exclaimed with righteous indignation. No villain will _ever_ take a pink haired assassin seriously!

**Madness Madness Madness Madness Madness Madness Madness Madness Madness**

**Haha! I think that topped the last chapter –don't you? Honestly so much happened in this 7,000 words I can't even pick out how many times I thought one of these idiots were going to die – from Natasha's wrath or their own stupidity I don't know XD **

**Over 200 people are reading this story – please let me know what you thought! Honestly if I managed to make you laugh let me know! ^.^ **


	10. Chapter 10

**100 days of Tony Stark Madness **

**Chapter 10**

**A/N: Why hello there peanut gallery! I hope you haven't started rioting yet because here it is! It has been a crazy couple weeks of school and I finally finished writing this chapter – super long just for you lovely people! 11,000 WORDS GUYS!**

**Day 28: Barrel of monkeys **(Some of you should understand this reference…the rest of you don't review and don't talk to me so you're missing out on awesome conversations guys!)

"Tony your invention is-" Rhodey started to say.

"Amazing?" Tony asked leaning against the wall and pushing his cheesy sunglasses over the bridge of his nose. Rhodey shook his head slowly.

"Not exactly-"

"Ingenious?"

"You are a genius yes but-"

"Out of this world brilliant?"

"It's too silly to be used in combat."

_Silence_.

People have called his inventions a lot of things...but never has anyone ever called them..._silly_. His forgotten sunglasses slide down his nose as his mouth fell open.

"_Wah_?" was his brilliant articulate response.

"An exploding barrel of robotic monkeys is not something the military is willing to endorse," Rhodey said frankly.

"But it can level a 5 mile radius in less than 30 seconds!" Tony exclaimed. His friend gave him a long look.

"It's not a weapon Tony - it's a goddamn life size toy that can paralyze everyone in the immediate vicinity," Rhodey said dryly.

"But it works damn it!" Tony said flailing his arms around in outrage.

"Call me when you create a real weapon Stark," Rhodey said with a shake of his head.

Hysterical sobbing was heard from inside the hollow barrel.

"Look you made them cry!" Tony said accusingly. Rhodey dragged his hands over his face and walked away.

"Honestly...barrel of monkeys...what is he? Four? How much damage could they _possibly _do?" Rhodey mumbled as he left the eccentric genius' lab. Tony looked at his monkeys with an apologetic look on his face.

"Don't worry guys! We'll be together forever!"

_Half an hour later. _

The entire Avengers team crowded around the barrel of monkeys - and Tony.

"Come on Stark! You can't hide in there with the monkeys forever!" Steve said knocking on the closed barrel.

"Yes I can! I'll just order all my food off eBay!" Tony shouted from inside the barrel.

"How will you go to the washroom huh?" Clint asked defiantly.

Silence.

_Bang! Bang! Bang! _

"What is he doing...?" Natasha asked warily.

"I'm building a porta potty - duh!" Tony said - they could practically _see _him roll his eyes.

"Stark!" They shouted in unison.

"Go away! Let us sulk in peace!" Tony shouted back as his voice seemed to move father away...how big _was _this thing?

_BRUM! BRUM!_

The team froze.

"How did he fit a freaking _chainsaw _in there?" Bruce asked in disbelief.

"Vive la résistance!" Tony shouted in response.

"That has no context Tony!'' Steve said banging his head against the barrel.

"Bite me!"

"If you don't come out we're coming in there!" Steve threatened. Some angry screeching was heard from within the wooden walls of the barrel. The resident monkeys were extremely outraged.

"How dare you suggest such an atrocity? You want to violate the sacred laws of the barrel?" Tony asked in genuine shock. Steve and Thor looked at each other with matching unimpressed looks. Thor moved to hold down the barrel as Steve tried to yank the lid off - he only managed to lift it an inch.

"You asked for it," Tony said simply. Suddenly a little miniature monkey bot flew out of the barrel and latched onto the Captain's face. He blinked.

5

4

3

2

1

Poof.

"AHHH MY EYEBROWS! YOU BURNED OFF MY EYEBROWS!" Steve yelped flailing his arms as he fell crashed to the floor and away from the barrel.

"HA! Who wants to try and come in here next?" Tony asked arrogantly. The rest of the team shared a blank look.

"Tip them over?" Clint suggested. They all nodded and started pushing the barrel over the edge of the staircase.

"Wait guys! You don't want to-" Tony started to say before the barrel hit the floor.

Too late.

_CRASH_!

"Oh."

"My."

"God."

Somewhere off in the middle of nowhere an overworked agent just got a report that made every person in the room do a double take.

_What_?

"Renner status report," Fury said sweeping into the room with his long coat whipping behind him. The agent rolled his eyes - so dramatic.

"Downtown Manhattan has been closed off Sir. There is no way in besides unauthorized air travel," he said cautiously.

"What's going on?" Fury asked peering over the agents shoulder.

"The military has issued a national crisis." the agent said reading through the update.

"Is it on the news?" Fury asked slowly. The agent nodded.

"Yes sir."

"Then what are you waiting for? A written invitation? Pull it up on the screen!" Fury said impatiently. Agent Renner threw a paper wad at the snoozing agent in charge of external communications. The formerly unconscious agent jumped up and frantically looked around.

"I didn't do!" he squeaked. Everyone pointed to the screen.

"News."

He turned bright red from being caught dozing off on duty and rushed to bring the news channel up for everyone to see. Suddenly there was a cowering news reporter peeking over the edge of an overturned table in a chaotic office room in front of them.

"You better cancel or postpone all your plans in the big apple today folks! It appears that the entire downtown streets of Manhattan have been flooded with hundreds of red robomonkeys! And they seem to be multiplying at rapid speeds!" the reporter shouted over the rumbling noise behind him.

"Oh shit they're almost here! Cut the tape! Cut the tape!" the reporter said hurriedly as they started running with the shaky camera. The screen froze on the last scene the camera captured..._hundreds _of robomonkeys running towards the poor news team from all different directions in a massive red tsunami.  
_  
Cricket...cricket...cricket..._

"Where is he?" Fury deadpanned.

"He's currently in the epicenter of the flood sir," agent Renner replied dryly.

"And that is?" Fury asked already knowing the answer.

"In a broken barrel at the top of Avengers Tower Sir."

"Wait _that _is his barrel of monkeys weapon?" Fury asked in disbelief.

"Yes Sir."

_27 hours later.  
_  
"Stark...you're an idiot," Fury said blankly - there was nothing else to say.

"I'm not the one who set off the weapon!" Tony said in defense of his monkeys. Fury gave him a withering look.

"I don't care! It's not even a wea-" Fury started to say but Tony cut him off by pointing towards the few people who were still being held hostage by his rampaging monkeys.

"THAT'S IT! CONFISCATED!" Fury shouted irritably - he could feel that stark induced headache coming on. Ugh - those were the worst.

"YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER! YOU CAN'T TAKE MY MONKEYS AWAY FROM MEEEE!" Tony exclaimed in disbelief.

A black SHIELD car door slammed in Tony's face with the last of his buddies. SHIELD had managed to round up all the robomonkeys in less than 12 hours. The military basically sat there and looked pretty while the big guys took care of their resident genius' mess.

"Watch me," Fury said with one last glare towards Stark before he disappeared into one of the sleek cars. Stark watched them all speed away with his mouth hanging open - that's it?

"They will be avenged!" Tony shouted after the cars shaking his right fist in the air. The Avengers merely watched the entire scene in silence. They were far too exhausted to pay the madman any attention at the moment. Tony pouted at the lack of response from his team and stomped away in the opposite direction.

"He's giving up right?" Clint asked hopefully.

"JARVIS prepare the boat!" Tony shouted into his phone.

Clint's face fell so fast he must have had whiplash.

_2 hours later. _

The entire sleep deprived team found themselves sitting on Liberty Island. They all tiredly watched as Stark defiantly sat on top of the Statue of Liberty with his little protest picket resting against his shoulder.

"Ready to go home yet Stark?" Steve asked tiredly from the bottom of the little hill. He had bought a baseball cap from a random tourist shop on the ride here to hide his forehead…and his lack of brows.

"No, I'm not done protesting my rights yet!" Tony shouted back from his spot onto top of the liberty crown.

"Dude...you built a machine that flooded New York with robot monkeys - you've lost your rights a long time ago," Bruce said blankly.

"What kind of justice seeking superheroes _are_ you?" Tony asked incredulously - his voice amplified by his iron man suit.

"THE EXHAUSTED KIND!" they shouted back. Tony scoffed and was about to reply when they he noticed a handful of twinkling lights approaching the island at rapid speed.

"Hey guys...? Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" he asked slowly.

"You're the one sitting on a 50 foot high statue Stark," Clint mumbled irritably - he wanted to freaking _sleep_ damn it!

Suddenly the blinking object flew closer and Tony could finally make out what they were.

Aw shit.

There were at least 20 SWAT helicopters surrounding the top of the statue within seconds.

"Tony Stark - remove yourself from the status of liberty immediately!" an officer shouted through a megaphone.

"Aw come on! Does _no_ one bother to call me Iron Man anymore?" Tony asked in genuine disbelief.

One hundred echoing _clicks_ was their response.

The team groaned as Tony stared down the countless number of firearms pointed at his suit. Well, that changes things.

"Alright _sheesh_! Don't need to get your uncomfortable itchy ugly plaid army issued boxers in a twist!" Tony muttered to himself as he cautiously stared at the blank military faces.

"You are breaking countless state laws at the moment!" The officer continued.

"Listen SWAT dude...I do that every day," Tony said dryly.

"I highly doubt that even you, Mr. Stark can cause a national crisis to erupt on a daily basis."

"Actually it's only a municipal cri-"

_BANG_!

The forgotten team of technically his accomplices snickered on the ground as Stark got knocked over the liberty crown by the missile impact. He hit the symbolic torch held in her Excellency's right hand and they all watched in horror as a small piece chipped off and crumbled to the ground.

_Gasp_.

"Does that count as a terrorist attack on the United States of America?" Thor whispered to Steve. The captain did an epic face-palm.

"Don't go there Thor," Steve said simply.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Tony shouted as he hung from the statue's arm while he tried to get his thrusters working.

"Sargent Johansson!" the officer said turning around and staring at the soldier to his left in disbelief.

"My finger slipped sir," She said with a shrug.

"Wow...she is such a badass..." Clint said in awe. Natasha's eye twitched. Bruce and Steve shared a knowing look.

"Bad move wedded hawk...bad move..." Thor rumbled quietly beside them.

"Huh?" Clint asked turning around and finally noticed the death glare his lovely wife was giving him. He instantly paled.

_WHACK_!

The next thing Clint knew he was dizzily stared up at the starry sky as he vaguely watched a fiery redhead stomp away from the scene. Bruce whistled quietly beside the fallen archer.

"Man, am I glad I'm not married," Bruce said frankly.

"Amen to that," Steve said shaking his head sadly at the pair of married spies.

**Day 29: Tiny heads equal tinier brains**

"Get up, Rogers we have an important crisis to deal with!" Tony yelled frantically bursting into the sleeping Captain's room. Steve sleepily looked up at the overexcited genius.

"Do you mean crisis as in, Thor is mesmerized by the My Little Pony show once again and won't let you near the TV without growling at you?" Steve asked warily. Tony opened his mouth to negate that answer when he finally got a good look at the Captain's tired face. His mouth nearly hit the floor and the rest of his body with it.

"WHAT IS _THAT_?" he shouted pointing an incriminating finger at the Cap's face. Steve gave him a bewildered look.

"What? What do you mean?" Steve asked worriedly glancing around.

"ON YOUR FACE!" Tony shouted in shock. Steve frantically patted his face down. He didn't feel anything different...

"What are you talking about Stark?" Steve asked thoroughly confused. Tony looked ready to explode...with laughter.

"IT'S A MONSTER CATERPILLAR!" he screamed before he fell to the floor and started rolling on the ground in laughter. Steve froze and his hands shot up to his forehead.

"...What's the big deal?" he asked slowly feeling his newly grown back eyebrows from the robomonkey explosion. Tony had tears streaming down his face.

"Cap - y-y-y-ou have a-a- FUZZY UNI-BROW!" He gasped through his bouts of laughter. Steve paled and literally _ran _to his washroom.

_5 seconds later._

"HOLY SHIT!" was heard echoing through the room followed by a noisy _crash_.

Tony started laughing even harder.

When the Captain swore - you knew it was bad.

_10 minutes of laughing later._

"Stark I told you to ge- What. Did. You. _Do_?" Bruce asked as he froze in the doorway leading into the Captain's bedroom. There was a hysterically laughing Tony and a traumatized Steve sitting on the ground in front of him...with a fuzzy uni-brow.

"I-I-I-t wasn't me! AHAHAHA! His super serum did that!" Tony gasped as he rolled on the floor. Bruce gave the Captain a sympathetic look.

"We'll help you with your...condition later. Right now we have a crisis to deal with," Bruce said seriously. That snapped Steve out of his catatonic state - when _Bruce_ was serious it meant something.

"What's wrong, Doctor?" He asked worriedly. When the world needs heroes...don't judge them by their appearance - it's all about heart.

"Thor was gifted a golden chain by someone from his realm yesterday. And now he has been cursed and it won't come off," Bruce explained. Steve's face went blank.

"What?"

"Oh my god, it's even better than your eyebrows, Cap!" Tony exclaimed before he was laughing all over again.

"You'll need to see it to understand - come on," Bruce said as he gestured towards the common room. They all jumped when they heard the loud _crash_.

Now that he thought about it...he could hear a serious riot going on in there.

"Freaking _do_ something Clint! If his head gets any smaller there will be nothing left!" Natasha's voice could be heard over all the noise.

The 3 Avengers rushed into the common room and stared at the scene in front of them. Clint had his arms wrapped around the practically headless body of a demi-god while Natasha desperately tried to break a thick chain wrapped around the poor hammer wielder's neck.

"My friends! My friends!" Thor's miniaturized head squeaked like a little _chiwawa_.

"He's got a tiny head!" Steve exclaimed pointing a shaky finger at the unfortunate Asgardian.

"Thank you, Captain obvious. What took yo- what the _heck _is wrong with your face?" Clint asked bewilderedly - accidentally letting Thor out of his grasp. They all winced when Thor crashed into Natasha and they both slammed into the floor.

_Oomph_!

They all stared at Thor in horror. His shrunken skull now made him level with Natasha's...bosom. His ears got redder and redder to the point it looked like his tiny head might just explode from all the pressure the longer he had his head stuck to her chest.

_Click_.

"Get. Off. Of. ME!" Natasha shrieked. Thor's unproportional head squeak and he scrambled to get as far away from the practically fire breathing woman as possible.

"I apologize Lady Natasha! I did not mean to fall on your-" Thor squeaky voice started to squeak at unbearable decibels. It was like dragging your nails down a chalk board - while a full our cat and dog war was being waged on the side.

_BANG_!

They all froze as they fearfully looked at the gap between Thor's little hairs on his head.

"Say _one _more word in your annoying squeaky voice and I will blow your tiny head off! Understood?" Natasha said darkly. The creepy aura around her from the kidnapping incident was back. Oh dear god.

No one dared say a single word...expect the masochist.

"Does this mean we can never say the word boo-" Natasha whipped her gun at the genius so fast they didn't even see it leave her hand.

WHACK!

The gun ricocheted off Tony's face and came right back to her hand. It was like a _boomerang_.

"How did she _do _that?" Steve whispered in disbelief to Clint. Clint shook his head shakily.

"I don't know, Cap! I don't really want to find out the logistics behind it either," he replied nervously.

"OI! THAT FREAKING HURTS!" Tony wailed as he held his abused forehead. They all cowered when Natasha shook her gun at them threateningly.

"Say something! I dare you!" She said dangerously.

Not even Stark was _that_ big of a masochist.

"I don't really want to be at the mercy of your flying guns…but who did that to Thor?" Steve asked cautiously. Natasha gave him a burning glare but her gun remained in her hand. He sighed in relief.

They all shot Thor a nervous look.

"Well…you see…we can't exactly say the guilty party's name because Thor doesn't really have much of a head left," Clint said slowly. Steve gave him a confused look.

"What? That doesn't make any sense," Steve said with a puzzled look on his face. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Thor's head gets smaller every time you say the name Lo-" Tony started to say when everyone interrupted him in horror.

"DON'T SAY THE NAME!" everyone shouted in unison.

"Fear of the name only increases the fear of the thing itself," Bruce mumbled in the corner.

"Who _are _you? Hermione freaking Granger?" Clint asked in disbelief. Bruce scowled.

"Doesn't mean it's not true!" he said defensively. Tony rolled his eyes beside the two glaring avengers.

"You're such a pothead Bruce," Tony said with a shake of his head.

"It's called _potterhead_!" Bruce shouted defiantly flailing his arms in frustration.

_Silence_.

"I did not just out myself as a fan of a little children's novel," Bruce said blankly.

"You got the hots for the pots man," Tony said in disappointment. Before Bruce could defend his potter soul something suddenly crashed through the window. They all jumped in surprise and Steve slowly picked up the object curiously.

"It's a message in a bottle," he said in confusion. All the avengers gathered around the Captain – they left a wide gap to let Thor's tiny head into the circle as well. Steve slid the piece of rolled up paper out of the bottle and unraveled it before he read the message out loud.

"Hello mighty Avengers who are not so mighty today. The golden chain will come off as soon at all the Avengers do a Macarena line in front of the Avengers Tower in full view of the public. Ciao!" the message said in bright hot pink penmanship with a winky face at the bottom. The team all shared a disturbed look when they read the name the pink penmanship belonged to. Tony was naturally the first one to break the awkward silence.

"Your brother may be a seriously evil genius…but he's _weird_ man!" Tony said with a shake of his head.

No one argued with the truth.

"Let us lay down our prides for the sake of one of our own men!" Steve declared bravely.

Stink eye.

Stink eye.

"And Natasha." Steve added quickly. The entire team stared at the Captain warily.

"Do you even _know_ how to do the Macarena Captain?" Clint asked slowly. Steve looked insulted and took a dance pose.

"Of course! It was part of my SHIELD rehabilitation into the future training!" Steve declared.

The team froze in shock. Natasha couldn't look.

"JARVIS! I know we've had our differences on the merits of technology over the last year – but we always agree on music! Play the song!" Steve shouted to the ceiling.

The Macarena song started playing.

"How did you hijack the most brilliant Al in the _world_?" Tony asked incredulously as they watched the Captain find his rhythm dancing to the song.

'_Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena  
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria why cosa buena  
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena  
Heeeeeeeeey! __Macarena!'_

Steve was performing the hand motions flawlessly. But seriously...it's not _that_ hard. The Avengers were shocked nonetheless.

"You know what? He's actually pretty good…" Clint said sounding surprised.

"Wish I could watch Loki do this," Bruce said with a sigh. Everyone froze – including the dancing Captain.

Oh no he didn't.

"AHHHH!" Thor shouted as his head suddenly shrunk once more to the size of a baseball. A BASEBALL!

Yes he did.

"We should _probably_ save Thor from shrinking into oblivion – and watch Steve embarrass himself later," Tony said warily. Steve sputtered.

"Hey!" he exclaimed.

"Someone call Maria Hill!" Clint shouted over his shoulder as he searched for something around the common room.

"Why do we need her?" Natasha asked in confusion.

"To watch if Thor's head will grow back to normal size or not while we're out on the street! We can't take him out there looking like _that_!" Clint said and he started rummaging through their joint Avengers closet. Bruce shrugged and dialed agent Hill's emergency number.

"What are you searching for?" Steve asked curiously.

"Aha!" Clint said with an accomplished look on his face. "I found them! I knew they were in here somewhere!" he said evilly.

The rest of the Avengers team behind him groaned.

_10 minutes later. _

5 individuals with massive sombrero hats filed onto the side walk in front of Avengers Tower. One of them had a little switch in his hand that he flipped on when all 5 sombrero wearing people froze with their hands out. People stopped walking when they noticed the 5 street performers…were actually the famous Avengers themselves. First drag now this? What was the superhero community _coming_ to?

Music started blasting from who knows where and the 5 superheroes started doing...the Macarena. The public gasped.

"_Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena!  
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria why cosa buena.  
__Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena.  
Heeeeeeeeey! Macarena!_' They all sung along with the music...even though some of them were clearly tone-deaf.

"Stark you can't sing for shit!" Clint shouted as they continued to dance to the song.

"You aren't much better Legolas! You miss the right notes every single time!" Tony shouted back.

"Is his head getting any bigger?" Natasha shouted up at the first floor. Agent Hill glanced behind her.

"You feel any different big guy?" she asked warily. Thor shook his head sadly.

"It is not working Lady Hill," he said sorrowfully. She looked at the chain with a puzzled look on her face.

"How did you put it on anyway?" she asked curiously.

"Like any normal chain. There's a little hook-" Thor suddenly froze in his sentence as the horrifying realization sank in. Agent Hill would have done an epic face palm - but she was too mature to act so immature. Don't mess with her logic - she has access to all your important files.

"Did you try unhooking the chain?" she asked slowly. Thor hung his tiny head in defeat.

The silence was deafening.

The shame on his face was telling.

The sight on the street was the ultimate damning proof.

These were _platinum _level idiots.

"You people are something else. Your brother knows you all so well," agent Hill said, shaking her head as she walked up to the nearly headless demi-god and effortlessly unhooked the little chain. His head inflated back to its normal size with a loud whoopee cushion sound. _Whoosh_. His face was still overtaken by shame though.

"We'll tell them their valiant demonstration of team sacrifice worked alright?" she said trying to make him feel better. Thor sighed.

"I suppose so. Otherwise Tony and Clint may go on another rampage to get into Asgard prison and beat my brother into the ground once again." Thor said frankly. Agent Hill paused – she did not expect to hear _that_ response.

"Have they succeeded in getting into Asgard at all?" she asked warily. Thor shrugged.

"Not yet – but they have an endless list of ideas on how to open the portal without alerting SHIELD," he replied. She nodded slowly – she learned to take these things one headache at a time. For now – they had free entertainment to enjoy. She glanced down at the Macarena team still dancing to their song with a gigantic crowd forming around them.

"I say we let them continue the dance for a little longer - we might just get to watch it on the 6 o'clock news tonight," she said feeling evil today.

**Day 30: How to get rid of an annoying genius **

"The CIA has been a pain once again and is hiding another 'top secret' intelligence program that they are coincidentally running through a branch in New York," Fury explained to the 5 avengers standing in front of him. More like 4 since Thor was practically catatonic after the first half hour of spy jargon being thrown around like a potato.

"So what's this follow up meeting for exactly? Barton and I have it covered - it's a simple infiltration and intelligence collecting mission," Natasha said sounding a little miffed that they were getting such a vigorous debrief when they were such senior agents. Fury gave her a look.

"Simple but _critical_. This mission must be a success and the most important goal is to stay _off_ the CIA radar," he said slowly. They all stared at him blankly. No one was getting his point - what it is with secret spy bosses and their need to be so damn cryptic?

"If this is agent Barton and agent Romanoff's mission why are we here Sir?" Steve asked cautiously. Fury gave him an _are-you-so-stupid-you-can't-understand-my-super-spy-talk? Look_.

"The real question is who is _not_ here at this meeting?" Fury said giving them a knowing look. Realized literally smacked Clint in the face.

"Oh. _Oh_! Well...that makes sense," Clint said nodding his head. The rest of them were still utterly lost.

Thor's hand shot up. Fury raised an eyebrow but chose not to comment.

"Oh! Oh! I have an important question!" Thor boomed.

"What is your question Thor?" Fury asked warily.

"Can you _please_ stop using such big words and implications - it is very hard to understand you when you do that. Just tell us who on earth you are talking about!" Thor said pleadingly.

"That's not really a question," Clint whispered to Natasha. She simply rolled her eyes.

"We are talking about Tony Stark, Avengers! He is destructive, he is childish, he is impulsive, he is annoying, he has broken hundreds of laws - likely several a day, he is on the news 24/7 and he is a right pain in my-" Fury was on a roll - but they didn't have time to bond over the ridiculousness of their resident eccentric billionaire.

"We get the idea," Clint said dryly interrupting the director's explanation turned rant. Fury coughed and quickly turned back into professional director who did not just look like he was going to explode like an over stressed balloon.

"Ahem. Anyway, Stark cannot be anywhere within 20 miles of this lovely metropolis of the United States. Preferably not on U.S soil at all," Fury said wistfully imagining a world without the man who has been a thorn in his side for the past 2 years.

They all looked at each other - like _that's_ going to happen.

"He lives here sir. And he never does what you tell him to do anyway," Steve pointed out cautiously.

"I don't care. Get him out of the city - doesn't matter how and doesn't matter whether it's legal or not - just _do _it," he said and with one last withering glare he swept out of the room once again and dramatic slammed the door shut behind him.

"He did it again!" Thor said in disbelief. Bruce patted him on the back.

"Just let it go Thor - he's a lost cause," Bruce said reassuringly.

"So...does anyone have any ideas?" Bruce asked warily. They all looked at each other for any volunteers. Steve hesitantly raised his hand.

"I might have an idea..." he said with an uncharacteristic gleam in his eye.

_The next day. _

Tony rolled over in his bed and tried to snuggle into his blankets...except he didn't feel any blankets. He fumbled around for his pillow with his eyes still closed and didn't find a pillow either. That was _strange_…his bed was usually full of pillows and a Pepper. He also wondered vaguely why his back was hurting so much...

Suddenly the high pitch squeal of a whistle rang through the air and caused the uncomfortable genius to jump and accidentally tumble out of his bed. He didn't immediately hit the ground because he was falling from 8 feet above the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Tony shouted as he rolled himself over and drowsily looked up at the tall bare bunk bed he just fell from.

"Why is there a bunk bed in my room?" he asked still half asleep. He pushed himself up into a sitting position and winced.

_Crack_.

"Aw my back!" he groaned. He squinted as he looked around and came face to face with the strict face of an older man dressed in a pristine army uniform. He did a double take.

"AHHH WHY IS THERE A CREEPY ARMY DUDE IN MY ROOM?" he shouted shuffling a few meters away from the startling figure. The officer's face never changed at all.

"GOOD MORNING CADET! WELCOME TO DAY ONE OF FTMOTC!" the army officer shouted in his face.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?" Tony asked frantically glancing around and finally realizing he was not in Avengers Tower anymore. His eye twitched as this realization sunk in.

Someone is going to die.

Potentially 5 someones.

"IT STANDS FOR FAST TRACK MILITARY OPERATIONS TRAINING CAMP! I AM YOUR DRILL OFFICER AND YOU ARE AS OF RIGHT NOW 7 MINUTES LATE FOR MORNING WARM UPS!" the officer continued to shout at him and some spit smacked him right in the face - but he didn't notice because he was too busy trying to comprehend what the old man just said.

"I'M AT _BOOT_ _CAMP_?" he shrieked.

_30 minutes later. _

Tony burst into the mess hall with half his uniform not properly on his body and an enraged expression on his face. He was covered in mud, pieces of barb wire and a worm was taking residence in his hair.

He was _not_ a happy solider.

He wasn't a freaking solider at all.

"WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SICK 40's BASTARD?" Tony bellowed into the room. He stomped down the rows of benches and stared the entire straight laced soldier population down. They all looked carbon copies of each other - from the haircut right down to the squeaky clean boots!

He could only handle _one_ righteous soldier in his life - and only in moderation.

"Should we get security Sir?" one of the officers asked the General. He shook his head.

"No - _this_ I want to see," he replied.

Stark whipped around when he noticed a pairs of boots poking out from under the food counter. He angrily flipped the table over and three matching sets of guilty faces looked up at him.

"Damn it, Thor you gave us away!" Steve shouted. Thor shrugged and stuffed another bread roll in his mouth.

"We would be running for our lives eventually anyway," he said simply.

"I will strangle each one of you with my bare hands..." Tony started darkly. Suddenly a large shadow loomed over the billionaire's shoulder - the 3 avengers on the floor paled. Thor stuffed his face faster.

"That's quite enough cadet. You've caused enough of a scene today. This is a military base -not a drama production. Please remove yourself from the facility and go clean up - you're a mess," a strong but calm voice spoke from behind him. Tony's eye twitched. If _one_ more person tried to tell him what to do today...

Tony angrily spun around to face the man who dares to interrupt his righteous speech of fury.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM MISTER...G-g-g-gen..eral..." Tony trailed off pathetically as he looked up at the imposing figure of the most important man in the room. He gulped.

"Yes we know who you are - but here names don't matter. Either you survive through training or you never go home. Life is simple here. Good luck Mr. Stark - I look forward to seeing how long you stay here with us on our humble island," the General said disregarding the insubordination. He simply nodded at the frozen Avenger and strode out of the mess hall with a presence that demanded obedience. Psh well to hell with that! Tony Stark follows no one! He takes orders from no one! He was afraid of no one!

And yet there he stood shaking in his beat up muddy little boots.

As his fear subsided the words the General said suddenly caught up with his head. His mouth fell open in disbelief.

"DID HE JUST SAY AN _ISLAND_?" he shouted. The entire room winced from the sheer volume of his shriek.

"Can someone please get a muzzle for that guy?" a random cadet asked as he rubbed his abused ear. Tony paused in his dramatic expression of his shock and slowly turned towards the 3 guilty Avengers that dragged him onto this godforsaken island. Everyone held their breath as they waited to see what was about to happen next.

"_You_…" Tony said with murder in his eyes. The trio of Avengers gulped.

"This is the time we run now comrades!" Thor shouted as he dashed out the door. Bruce and Steve scrambled to follow with an enraged Stark hot on their trail.

"COME BACK HERE YOU PIECES OF DEAD MEAT!" Tony shouted as he ran after the fleeing pack of his mutinous teammates.

"WE'RE ALL MAROONED HERE FOR A WEEK!" Steve shouted as they ran down the beach. Tony took off his shoe and whipped it at the Captain's head.

"THAT GIVES ME 7 DAYS TO MURDER YOU ALL!" Tony screeched. They ran quicker down the beach and everyone consecutively slammed into each other when Thor suddenly stopped running.

"Thor why did you sto- oh for God's sake!" Steve groaned. Bruce and Tony peeked over their shoulder and suddenly all the colour drained from their faces. There was an angry herd of ostriches staring right at them looking ready to charge.

"_Nice_ birdies…" Thor said slowly raising his hands and taking a few cautious steps backwards.

"SQUUUUUUACK!" A lone ostrich screeched and charged towards the Avengers that looked like deer caught in headlights. They all hightailed it out of there in the opposite direction as the stamped of ostriches rushed forward.

"IT'S THE TIKI MADNESS ALL OVER AGAIN!" Tony shrieked as they ran for their lives.

_A couple of hours later. _

Tony was sitting in the mess hall once more – without making a scene this time. He was staring at his dinner…that was moving across his plate. He poked the wiggly tofu-like substance.

"Is this supposed to be eatable or are they trying to kill us off with food poisoning?" Tony asked as he made a face when his tofu square tipped over as it wobbled. Bruce shrugged and took a sip of his flavourless coffee.

"No one said you had to eat it," Bruce said simply. Tony scowled at him.

"Not everyone can go without food for weeks like some mutated doctors I know," Tony muttered as he reluctantly took a bite out of his wiggly dinner. He nearly threw up.

"Dirt tastes better than this shit!" Tony spat out the disgusting substance. Bruce rolled his eyes.

"Then go eat some dirt then – it probably has more nutrients anyway," Bruce said dryly. Tony glared at him and promptly pushed his plate away.

"That's it! I quit! I am leaving this island _now_!" Tony declared as he angrily stomped out the door. The team watched the enraged genius stalk down the street through the window.

"How long do you think it will take him to notice there are no ships or planes on this island?" Steve asked dryly. Bruce shrugged and took out the little metal box full of real food they packed for themselves out from under the table. He couldn't live without his Oreo cookies.

"I give him 25 minutes," Bruce said as he stuffed an Oreo cookie in his mouth. Thor scoffed and took an Oreo cookie for himself.

"I give the loud man 15 minutes," Thor boomed.

"You guys are underestimating the crazed billionaire. I say he'll be back in 10 minutes," Steve said taking out the apple juice he had stashed in their box of real food.

_Sluuuurp_.

Ah. That was some good juice.

_1 hour later._

"Where the heck did he _go_?" Steve asked they started searching the camp for their lost eccentric teammate.

"Did he manage to get off the island?" Bruce asked in surprise. They all heard the loud crash of a cabinet hitting the floor come from one of the buildings at the edge of the compound. They all paused.

"He's in the tactics and strategy room," Steve said blankly. Bruce shook his head.

"I did not expect that to be the first place for him to go," Bruce said sounding disappointed. He thought Stark was more creative than _that_.

"RED ALERT! SOMEONE HAS BREACHED SECURITY ENTRANCE 34! I REPEAT ALL SENIOR PERSONNEL TO TACTICS ROOM!" a frantic voice shouted through the P.A system that resonated throughout the camp. The three avengers rolled their eyes in unison.

"Go figure."

_20 minutes later. _

"UNHAND ME YOU UPTIGHT SHEEP OF THE ARMY! YOU FREAKY CLEAN FREAKS WHO NEVER GETS A SPEC OF DIRT ON THEIR UNIFORM IN THIS GODFORSAKEN JUNGLE! WHO NEVER KNEW THE AWESOMENESS OF REALITY TV BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY HAVING A STICK UP YOUR MILITARY ASS! YOU SUICIDING BRAINWASHED ZOMBIES WHO DON'T KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO JUST FREAKING _DIE_ ALREADY! YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SILENCE PROVES YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BRAIN CELLS TO EVEN RESPOND TO WHAT THE HELL I'M SAYING! YOU'RE A PUPPET! YOU'RE A DISPOSABLE TOY! MY _ROBOTS_ HAVE MORE EMOTIONS THAT YOU! STOP DOING THE LADY GAGA POKER FACE, DAMN IT!" Tony bellowed at the top of his lungs as he was dragged toward the detention cell. He gasped as he tried to catch his breath after that rant. It was the third one so far.

"Does he never stop talking?" the security guards asked the Avengers team walking beside them. They shook their heads slowly.

"We just usually wait until he runs out of insults," Steve said warily. Bruce snorted.

"Which is just wistful thinking on the Captain's part because Stark _rarely_ runs out of insults," Bruce said blandly. Steve scowled at him.

"I see why you brought him here now," a guard said with a nod. They all groaned when Stark took a deep, deep breath.

"...YOU CREEPY LOOKALIKE ANDROIDS WHO WOULD MARCH IN SYNC INTO YOUR GRAVES! YOU MINDLESS SACRIFICIAL RIGHTEOUS FOOLS WHO ARE IDOLIZED BY OUR EVEN STUPIDER NATION! YOU SHITHEADED BOZOS WHO DON'T KNOW WHEN TO JUST CUT THE FREAKING BARB WIRE INSTEAD OF SACRIFICING ONE OF YOUR OWN! YOU MUTATED HALF ROOSTERS WHO ARE UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN LIKE THE SUNRISE TIME IS BURNED ONTO YOUR SOUL! YOU MINDLESS FREAKS WHO WERE SALUTING EACH SINCE YOU WERE IN _DIAPERS_! YOU BORING BABOONS WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FUN IS IF IT SLAPPED YOU IN THE FACE AND MADE OUT WITH YOU AGAINST A WALL! YOU SLIMY SEA CREATURES WHO SLEEP WITH THEIR EYES OPEN! YOUR ORDERLY MANNERS SICKEN ME TO THE CORE OF MY BEING! ANSWER ME DAMN IT!" Tony continued to scream at them.

"Can we gag him _please_?" The guard standing right next to the verbally abusive mouth of Tony Stark asked pleadingly.

"His mouth is a superpower all on its own," Thor boomed quietly.

"Isn't that that truth?" Bruce mumbled as he continued to read his tactical book. They all stared at him in shock as he perfectly ignored the screeching banshee beside him like it was just the wind.

"Are you deaf solider?" the head guard asked. Bruce shrugged.

"No - not yet. I just have a very high immunity to grown men acting like 5 year olds," Bruce said simply. Steve and Thor paused. Wait a second…

"WE'RE NOT THAT BAD!" Steve and Thor shouted in unison pointing at the screeching genius to their left. Bruce gave them a blank look. He gestured towards Thor.

"Random tiki curse and sneezing lighting when you have a cold," he pointed at Steve. "Drunk Nemo fascination and acting like gummy bears are drugs," he gestured towards both of them. "And both of you freak out whenever we say gar bar," he finished waiting for their inevitable response.

"DON'T SAY THAT WORD!" they screeched together. Bruce sighed and went back to reading his book.

"5 year olds," he muttered.

"At least I'm a _hot_ five year old…" Tony thought aloud. They all sweat dropped simultaneously. He blinked.

"Wait, what insult was I on? Oh yes, number 97! YOU PIECES OF MANUFACTURABLE ACTION FIGURES FROM TOY STORY! WATCH ME GET OFF THIS ISLAND AND GO INVENT A GIGANTIC MECHANICAL BOOT TO STEP ON YOU WITH! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU MESSED WITH TONY STARK GENIUS BILLIONAIRE PLAYBOY PHILANTHROPIST!" Tony resumed his previous endeavors.

They all groaned in unison.

"We're here anyway," the head guard said as they dragged the kicking and still screaming billionaire into the detention building. Money really does mean nothing on an island with no escape.

"You can cool off in a cell tonight and rejoin the cadets tomorrow for endurance training," the head guard said as he threw the annoying bastard into the white padded room.

"I WILL BE AVENG-" the door slammed in his angry face.

"Why did you put him in the insanity cell…?" a guard asked in confusion. The head guard turned to give the young security officer a long look.

"Because it's soundproof – I want to sleep tonight," the head guard said frankly.

"Good choice, but is there any electrical panels behind the padding?" Bruce asked leaning against the prison wall still reading his book intently. They all looked at him in confusion.

"Yes there is, but how would he get through-" the guard started to say when all the lights in the building suddenly flickered on and off before they heard a distinct explosion coming from inside the cell.

"I KNOW HOW TO DISABLE A MILITARY GRADE SOUND PROOFING SYSTEM IN MY SLEEP YOU RETARDED PRESCHOOLERS!" they heard echo through the room.

"This is going to be a long night," Steve said with a sigh.

_The next day. _

"-AND WHEN I'M DONE TYING EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR ZOMBIES TO THE BULL I'M GOING TO BUY I'LL DRAG YOU ALL THE WAY TO SOUTH AMERICA FROM WHEREVER THE HELL WE ARE RIGHT NOW! I WILL SUMMON ALL THE FISH IN THE SEA WITH SONAR WAVES AND THEY WILL CARRY YOU OFF INTO BERMUDA TRIANGLE AND YOU WILL BE EATEN BY WHATEVER CRAZY SEA MONSTERS THAT LIVE THERE!" Tony continued to shout through the door of his cell. He's been going at it for 5 hours now – his voice wasn't even getting hoarse yet!

The 3 avengers and the entire security team sat in front of the insanity cell armed with tranquilizer guns – people _this_ crazy were not afraid of riffles. And nobody really wanted to open that door either – they might get rabies if Stark suddenly snapped and bit one of them.

A frantic solider suddenly burst through the prison entrance completely out of breath.

"Did you get the General?" the head guard in front of Stark's cell asked desperately. The solider shook his head with equal desperation in his eyes.

"No, he's busy dealing with a toilet bandit! I got the next best thing!" he said hurriedly as he stepped to the side to reveal Stark's drill officer. Hope suddenly shone in the eyes of all the soldiers present.

"Who is that?" Thor asked quietly as the 3 avengers watched the formerly zombie looking soldiers come to live. Steve was equally confused and Bruce just shrugged.

"I don't know…but I'm guessing he's their savior and probably our chance to finally get out of this dump," Bruce said as he lay on the ground staring up at all the bubble gum art on the ceiling. He finished his book 2 hours ago. Now he just wanted to take a shower.

"I swear there's something wrong with him. I think he's depressed. He takes these things too lightly," Steve whispered to Thor quietly.

"We have bigger things to worry about at the moment Captain," Thor said fearfully looking back at the cell door.

"CLEAR GROUND ZERO SOLDIERS! I NEED A 3 METER RADIUS!" the drill officer ordered. Everyone literally dived behind the officer who always spoke in capital letters. He bravely stepped forward and unlocked the cell. The door swung open to reveal a red faced genius.

"So you _finally_ decide to ope- oh _shit_ it's you!" Tony said in horror. He still remembered the horrifying drills the officer made him run through several times until he could practically do it in his sleep yesterday. He was a _beast_!

The officer gave him a blank look - Tony swore that was the only expression the man could make at all.

"SOMEONE HOLD HIM DOWN. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO BREAK THIS TYPE OF MAN'S SOUL!" he hollowed at the exhausted group of soldiers behind him. A couple of guards rushed forward to secure the frozen billionaire. He barely fought back because he was too busy staring at the object in the beast's hand.

The drill officer held up a wireless razor and turned it on. BUZZZZZZZZ! All the colour drained from the scientist's face. The poor bastard.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled in horror.

_10 minutes later. _

All the guards on night shift finally got to leave and only a few were left after the Stark fiasco was taken care of.

Where was Tony Stark you may ask?

He was in the corner balling his eyes out.

"M-m-m-m-m-MY HAIR! YOU CHOPPED OFF MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" Tony wailed as he sobbed into his knees. They gave him the infamous army cut. He clutched his fallen hair in despair.

"Oh come Stark! We all lost our hair before because of your malfunctioning invention!" Steve said fed up with all this crying. Tony continued to sob hysterically.

"This is _worse_! NOW I LOOK LIKE _YOU_!" he wailed before he went back to his intelligible sobbing. Steve's mouth fell open in disbelief. _That's_ why he was crying?

"You're so full of shit Stark. Get over yourself we have drills to do," Steve huffed. He was _thoroughly_ insulted. The girls loved his perfectly done hair! He grabbed Stark by the scruff of his uniform and dragged him out of the detention cell. Thor and Bruce trailed behind them as they watched the dramatic tears stream down the billionaire's face. They were still debating on if they were real or not.

"He looks like he means it…" Thor whispered to Bruce. Bruce carefully analyzed the sobbing genius. There was theatrical sad Tony and actually freaking upset Tony. The man in question didn't even give them a single glance - he just continued to sob.

"For once Thor…you may be right," Bruce conceded reluctantly. Thor paused.

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" Thor boomed caught between confusion and offense. The doctor couldn't possibly imply such a thing could he? He was always so sweet, quiet and helpful…

Okay maybe not _all_ the time…

"My reputation as an eccentric, impulsive playboy is RUINED!" Tony continued to wail as he was dragged down the path towards the training grounds.

"Who wants that type of reputation?" Steve asked listening to the sniveling coming from behind him.

"I DO!" Tony exclaimed like it was obvious.

"But you're not even really a playboy Tony. You've been with Pepper for years!" Thor said in confusion as they approached the fence that separated the training fields from the rest of the camp.

"IT'S CALLED A REPUTATION NOT REALITY YOU GIGANTIC GINGERBREAD MAN!" Tony shouted.

"His words hurt me so," Thor mumbled miserably. Bruce patted him on the back reassuringly.

"It's okay – he's just going through a midlife crisis right now," Bruce said simply. Tony suddenly stopped cry and stared at the doctor in righteous disbelief.

"Don't make me _old_! All three of you are different levels of simply _ANCIENT_! Thor is probably thousands of earth years old, Cap should be dead by now and Bruce you're just-"

"Stop," Bruce interrupted Tony's little age rant. He took out a small piece of paper and held it in front of Stark's face.

"I, Tony Stark will not ever reveal Bruce Banner's real age unless I wish the world to know my secret VIA Facebook. What are you talking about…?" Tony asked slowly. Bruce turned the piece of paper around and waited for the realization to sink in. The full extent of the horror on the billionaire's face could never be captured properly on video or any technology known to mankind.

"WHEN DID YOU FREAKING TAKE THIS PHOTO? Tony screeched. Bruce shrugged.

"I had a phone. The moment was priceless. I used it," he said simply.

"WHAT KIND OF TRAITOROUS BEST FRIEND ARE YOU? YOU'RE SO MEAN!" Tony cried. Bruce narrowed his eyes at the wailing genius.

"Because of you I hulked out in a perfectly good lab, I got high off a drugged chocolate cake, I got attacked by malfunctioning robots, I was dragged through garbage by rabid racoons, I nearly got blown up by your dynamite stick, I got face full of manure and you turned my hair _green_," Speaking of green…

_BEEP_.

"OKAY! OKAY! I AGREE TO YOUR TERMS DAMN IT!" Tony shouted in fear. Bruce suddenly smiled serenely.

"See? It wasn't that hard. You can have this – it's your copy," Bruce said handing the piece of paper to the traumatized genius and strolled through the gateway into the training field whistling '_I'm walking on sunshine'_ as he went.

"I swear his going through something right now. He's freaking me out!" Steve said staring after the gleeful doctor. Bruce was _never_ that happy. Tony could barely reply – his eyes were glued to the most horrifying image he'd ever seen in his life.

"MY EYES!" Thor howled when he caught a glimpse of the photograph in Tony's hand. He ran away so fast they had whiplash watching him dash across the field. Steve looked over his shoulder at the paper and froze.

"HOLY SHIT IS THAT YOU AND BARTON FAIL KISSING FROM THE GAY BAR MISSION?" Steve shrieked in horror. Everyone single soldier in a 10 meter radius turned to stare at them like they were crazy. Well…_that_ was a given.

"Just make a press conference and tell the whole world why don't you?" Tony said sarcastically. Steve sheepishly dumped the genius without the bounds of the training field.

"Sorry. I think you scarred Thor though," he said as they both glanced back at the demi-god who was still running. He reached the other side of the field, dashed over the hills and out of sight.

"I wonder when he will stop running," Tony said dryly. Steve snorted.

"Not likely any time soon."

"What a shame - I wanted to freak him out some more," Tony replied. Steve sighed. Idiots.

_The next day. _

It was pouring rain that morning – it wasn't even really morning yet – it was barely the crack of dawn. And where was Stark? Not in his comfy bed _that's_ where.

"MOVE SOLDIER! MOVE! YOU GOT TO PICK UP THE PACE OR YOU'LL DIE FROM THE ELEMENTS BEFORE THE ENEMY EVEN GETS A SHOT AT YOU!" the drill officer bellowed across the muddy survival course. Stark groaned as his foot got stuck in a muddy hole.

"I'M NOT A SOLDIER! I'M HERE AGAINST MY WILL!" he shouted back. His foot sunk deeper into the mud.

_Uh_ _oh_.

"DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE CADET!" the officer warned. Tony gulped as the ground started caving in rapidly around him.

Oh shit.

"HELP!" he shouted as the rest of his body got sucked into the dark hole of despair.

"MMMM!" he screamed as his head barely bobbed above the ground.

Blub, blub, blub.

"Is he seriously drowning in mud?" Bruce asked in disbelief.

"Only Stark can manage something that impossible," Steve said while shaking his head.

"Who shall save the drowning Stark?" Thor asked the little crowd of cadets they were standing with under the relatively dry tent cover.

_Cricket…cricket…cricket…_

"Well don't all rush at once," he said with a sigh before he walked into the rain and pulled the unidentifiable muddy figure out of the ground.

"I CAN'T BREATH!" Tony gasped. Thor gave the gasping genius a few good thumps against his back. Tony wheezed from the force of each impact.

"I'm good now buddy! I'm good!" Tony squeaked failing his arms around. Thor nodded and placed their unidentifiable teammate onto the ground. Tony coughed and took a few steps away from the towering muscular demi-god.

"MIND THE GAP ACROSS THE-" the officer started to warn but it was too late.

_Woosh_.

They all stared at the empty spot that Stark was just occupying mere moments before.

"We lost Stark again," Thor said simply.

"Want a shovel?" A random cadet called out.

Another hour or two passed by after they managed to finally dig Tony out of the hole. Don't ask what state he was in after the rescue – he didn't want to know what was swimming in his pants and no one asked either. Let's keep it that way shall we?

Presently Steve was doing some push ups while Tony simply laid there and stared up at the clear blue sky. It was mocking him with false words of freedom and yet in reality this was just one big fat prison. He was a master escape artist – he _will_ find a way out of here if it was the last thing he did!

"There are no boats and no aircrafts here," Tony mused verbally. Steve shook his head as he continued to count his number of push ups.

"Nope."

"I have to pass the survival test on Friday to get on the only flight out of here on Saturday morning," Tony continued.

"Yup."

"I will murder you before we leave this island," Tony said with conviction.

"You can try…but I'm sort of your ticket out of here," Steve said as he counted pasted 100 hundred. Tony huffed irritably and fell out of his chair.

"THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I WILL FIND A WAY OFF THIS ISLAND IF IT KILLS MEEEEEE!" Tony shouted to the sky as he fell to his knees on the burning hot sand. Steve glanced at his watch.

3

2

1

"HOLY SHIT THAT BURNS!"

10 minutes later after nursing his scorched knees with a cold pack of peas.

"I know! I will swim home!" Tony declared suddenly. Steve continued the set of push ups he was originally doing before Stark decided to let his stupidity shine a bit too brightly. How can a genius be _this_ stupid? It's honestly a gift.

"Shark infested waters," he said simply. Tony scoffed and headed off towards the beach.

"You're bluffing!" Tony shouted over his shoulder.

_30 minutes later._

A soaked and battered Tony Stark crawled into their designated cabin. His 3rd uniform set of the day was ruined – practically shredded to pieces. Bruce looked up from the strategy book he was now reading and stared at the alarming sight of his best friend.

"You look like something the cat dragged in." Bruce said dryly. Tony literally dragged _himself_ over to his rock hard bed and collapsed in exhaustion as he held the ice pack to his eye.

"No shit Sherlock," he said sarcastically. Bruce raised an eyebrow.

"What happened?" he asked curiously.

"I went a few rounds with a shark," Tony said with a wince. Bruce gave him a blank look.

"How did a shark mange to sock you in the face?" Bruce asked with an eyebrow. Tony suspiciously avoided all eye contact with the curious Doctor. It must not have been pretty.

"No…that was the married cafeteria lady who doesn't like being chatted up by half dead geniuses," he replied wryly. Bruce burst out laughing.

"You got beat by a shark and then whacked in the face by a crazy Caf lady?" Bruce snickered.

"Hey I managed to charm an ice pack out of her before I accidentally said that I would totally date her if she was 15 years younger!" Tony exclaimed. Bruce paused.

"Are we talking about that large, chipmunk cheeked Cafeteria lady who looks at Thor like he's a piece of prime meat?" Bruce asked warily. Tony winced.

"Yeah apparently she's only 40. Who knew right?" Tony said with a shrugged.

"Where is Thor anyway? He went to get some toilet paper since we ran out," Bruce said curiously. They both heard the sudden commotion outside and glanced out their cabin window.

"I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS TEPEEING BUSINESS IS BUT I DID NOT USE MY PRECIOUS TOILET PAPER TO DO IT!" Thor screamed as he ran past their cabin with an armful of toilet paper rolls. They glanced around the corner and saw an _army_ of angry cadets chasing behind him.

Bruce stared at the scene in front of them for a few seconds.

"Did you take a detour before you dragged your sorry ass over here?" Bruce asked as he continued to watch Thor run circles around the camp with the angry mob hot on his trail.

Tony snickered.

"I plea the 5th."

"Do I even want to know?" Bruce asked warily. Tony snickered some more.

"Probably not."

_The 3__rd__ day of boot camp. _

"He's gone," Steve said staring at the empty bed that belonged to Tony Stark for that last few nights.

"I have eyes – I can see that pretty clearly," Bruce said standing beside him.

"Do you _know_ what Stark can do in a few hours with a bunch of coconuts and scraps of metal?" Steve asked incredulously. Bruce snorted.

"A hell of a lot more than we could?" he asked dryly. Steve paused and then shook his head. First thing they were going to do when they got back to New York – find Bruce a psychologist that had a really good office insurance plan.

"Seriously, we need to find him before he burns down the camp or something," Steve said turning around to see the still sleeping Thor hugging a wad of toilet paper with smiley faces on it.

"What-?" he began.

"Don't ask," Bruce said simply. Steve wisely held back his question – he learned curiosity sometimes came with a price that was just not worth the headache. Now to save himself and make a hasty exit; in other words – fleeing with style.

"Alright then! You wake up Thor and we'll spread out – that way we'll find Stark faster!" Steve shouted over his shoulder as he dashed out the door. Bruce stared after the Captain who practically flew down the cabin steps and sprinted across the street as fast as his super legs will take him. His mouth fell open in shock.

"HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE WITH _HIM_ YOU COWARD?" Bruce shouted in betrayal. Steve didn't even spare a second to glance back at Bruce's horrified face. Bruce looked back at the innocently sleeping demi-god – who was definitely not so innocent. He beheaded mother dragons in his free time. Who does stuff like that? "Oh _hell_ no I'm not getting struck by lightning again," Bruce said firmly. He took out his trusty frying pan and metal pot to hide behind as he approached the highly volatile sleeping giant.

In a small dark room a few stories below the military compound.

"Is this seriously the best security system the military has got?" Tony asked in disbelief as he tinkered with the electrical panel a few feet down from the room he was trying to get into.

_Ding_.

The door swung open slowly.

Pathetic.

He strode into the room and stared up at the gigantic mega motor tank that stood before him. A creepy grin slowly spread across his face – the mad genius was back.

"I don't care what these people say – the military always, _always_ has some dirty little secrets stashed on weird no transport islands like these," Tony said aloud as he approached the mammoth of all tanks.

"Haha…I can work with this…" he rubbed his hands together evilly.

_One hour later. _

"Did you find him yet?" Bruce asked as he and Thor caught up with the wandering Captain. No one commented on Bruce's slightly scorched hair. He may hulk out if you do – it's a miracle he hasn't already.

"No I've looked everywhere! No one has seen him all morning!" Steve said in disbelief. They all paused as they felt the ground start to shake below their feet. They were not in a high Earthquake risk zone…

VROOM! The Avengers spun around and watched in horror as a gigantic black tank zoomed by and crashed into the water tower. They watched in slow motion as the tower fell over and flooded the compound. The tank backpedaled and as it passed them once more and Steve a got a good look at the man at the wheel. His face went blank.

"Why am I not surprised? What is wrong with me?" Steve asked with a sigh of resignation.

"I believe we have found Stark comrades," Thor noted with equal blankness. Bruce watched the tank zoom haphazardly around the camp as more and more cadets came out of their cabins to set what the ruckus was about.

"Guys…are you sure Stark is in control there?" Bruce asked slowly. Everyone in a 10 meter vicinity of the calm doctor froze.

"STARK WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Steve shouted as the tank whooshed passed them for a third time. They watched as the window rolled down and the panicked face of Tony Stark popped out.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS A PROTOTYPE! I CAN'T STOP!" Tony shouted as he zoomed by – he couldn't get the breaks to work. Oh dear god.

He frantically spun the tank around and back towards his team.

"WHAT DO I DO?" he shouted out the window.

They all looked at each other.

"JUMP STARK JUMP!" they hollowed.

"BUT I DON'T LIKE THAT IDEA!" Tony shouted as he spun the tank around too fast and broke the steering wheel.

Aw shit.

Tony looked at his now useless steering wheel and at the building in front of him. The machine was still moving. He paled instantly and promptly climbed up to the top of the tank and threw himself at his team.

_Ommph_! They all crashed to the ground.

"Great catch guys," Tony groaned. Steve pushed his team off of him and looked back at the tank that was still in motion. His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull.

"The tank is about to hit the artillery bunker," Steve said slowly. Everyone froze – as in _everyone_. All 300 cadets, 20 officers, 3 Avengers and 1 General.

"OH SHIT!"

"CADETS WE MUST STOP-"

"FORGET THAT SHIT! YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!" the cadets screamed as they all rushed towards the ocean water. The Avengers looked at each other.

"RUN FOR IT!"

_15 seconds later. _

BOOM!

They all stared in horror as they watched a gigantic 50 foot mushroom cloud rise to the sky. They looked down at the burning compound.

"Stark…you're so screwed," Bruce said simply. Tony stared up his accidental handy work in awe.

"But Brucie…it's so…_beautiful_," he said in amazement – there were practically tears in his eyes. A looming shadow fell over the awe-struck genius's face. He froze.

Right – he forgot. Beauty comes with a price.

"TONY STARK!" the General's voice boomed. The entire shoreline of cadets went quiet – they wanted to hear this.

"It is unfortunate for our record but I do not regret to say that for the first time in this training facility's history – you are officially being _expelled_ from the program. No regrets at all," the General said firmly.

_320 Resounding gasps._

_No_ one has ever been kicked out of this training camp. _No_ one.

"Captain Steve Rogers – call your people and get. Him. Off. My. Island. _Now_." the General said with icy calmness. They all shook in their boots as he stared at each one of them with his dead serious poker face. What was the man thinking?

_CRASH_! Another part of the compound just caved in and went up in flames. They paled. They knew _exactly_ what he was thinking. Steve rushed to call SHIELD to come pick them up before someone was murdered…someone who was looking rather accomplished at the moment.

_2 hours later. _

"Three days! How on earth could he possibly last in boot camp for _three_ freaking days?" Natasha huffed angrily as she got off the helicopter. Clint snorted.

"You're just sore you lost our bet. I _told_ you it would take him at least 2 days to get thrown out," he said smugly. She glared at him fiercely.

"Shut up Bart-" they both suddenly noticed the scene in front of them. The entire army unit was sitting on the edge of the beach with a scorched military compound burned to the ground behind them.

"He didn't just get kicked out of boot camp. He burned it to the ground before they could deport his sorry ass," Steve said blankly.

"Ha ha…don't leave malfunctioning technology where genius can find them?" Tony laughed hesitantly.

325 pairs of eyes glared at the self-proclaimed playboy. He coughed awkwardly.

"Too soon to crack jokes eh?" he said sheepishly. The entire crowd face palmed simultaneously.

Only Stark.

TESTED FORMULA: Stark + boot camp = boom.

PREDICTED FORMULA: Stark + anything = boom too.

**Madness Madness Madness Madness EPIC FREAKING MADNESS! **

Mind-twist with the jealous stuff in day 28 right? XD since Scarlett Johansson is technically Natasha Romanoff. Renner was in there too somewhere! Ha ha hope you caught those fun details!

MY MONKEYS! WHO UNDERSTOOD THE MONKEYS?

**A/N: Now the only thing is that school is getting super busy and my updates will be few and far in-between if I keep doing the 3 days/ chapter pattern I have been doing so far. So you have a choice! Don't have a heart attack yet you guys– it's not like deciding your future career or anything! It's just a simple question. **

**a. Would you like me to update 1 new story each chapter (faster updates – but shorter chapters) **

**OR**

**b. Continue the 3 stories each chapter pattern (extremely slow updates – but longer chapters)**

**Let me know in a review wonderful people! The rest of you silent ghosts– NO MONKEYS FOR YOU! **


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not watch Hannah Montana...but my little sister does and I have to say Miley's say whats are hilarious. So Tony shall parody it :D

FYI: 1 story per chapter wins!

**Chapter 11**

**Day 31: Johnny baby **

Steve walked down the helicarrier corridor and nearly missed the odd sight down the hall that lead to the Director's office. He paused in his step and backtracked the way he came to poke his head around the corner to see what was going on. He sighed when he recognized the familiar figures of his dysfunctional team.

5 Avengers were all huddled around the Director's office with one ear planted on the door. They were all intently listening in on a conversation that they had no business being a part of in the first place.

"What are you all doing?" Steve asked warily.

"SHHHHH!" They all shhed him without even looking back at him.

"Why are you shhing me?" he whispered loudly.

"Damn It Capsicle! Can't you see we're busy ease dropping here?" Tony whispered irritably. Steve gave Tony a pointed look.

"You _do_ know eavesdropping is rude right?" Steve asked dryly. Natasha silently took out her gun and flicked the safety off.

_Click_.

"Okay shutting up now," he said with a gulp. They all went back to listening to the conversation happening on the other side of the door.

"You tell Spielburger thanks but no thanks. An intelligence agency has more intelligent things to do then take calls from overpaid ancient pompous Hollywood sellouts!" Fury's irritated voice could be heard through the thick steel door.

Everyone gasped.

Tony was so shocked he accident pushed against the doorknob- effectively unlocking it. Unfortunately with the combined weight of all the Avengers the door swung open and they all fell into the room.

The sheepish looking pile of Avengers on the ground stared up at their lovely Director. He raised a questioning eyebrow at his A-team. Stark wiggled his way out from under the messy pile of limbs and gave Fury the biggest gasp of the all.

"Eye patch wearing spy with a freaky trench coat fetish who just said three time academy award winner director and producer of Jaws, Jurassic Park, E.T, men in black 1 and 2 wants the Avengers - especially moi - to come host the next Academy Awards opposite of my idol Johnny Depp SAY WHAT?" Tony gasped in a single breath.

The rest of the Avengers just nodded their heads rapidly.

"What he said!" they shouted.

"Grow up Stark," Fury groaned.

"B-b-but WE WANT TO GO DAMN IT!" Tony shouted flailing his arms around in outrage.

"Go star in a huge blockbuster then! The Avengers are not going to be used as some magical show pony in front of the entire world and that is final!" Fury said firmly.

Tony stared at the super-spy for a full 10 seconds - the horror was clearly sketched on his face.

He looked at the phone and back at Fury's face. Phone. Fury. Phone. Fury. Phone. Fury.

_Ding_. We got an idea.

"Give me that phone," Tony said with a crazy look in his eyes.

Fury started to back away slowly.

"Now Stark you don't want to do that..." Fury said warningly.

"OH YES I DO!" Tony said as he pounced on the poor Director. They both tumbled to the ground and Tony desperately tried to rip the phone out of Fury's death grip.

"You. Can't. GO!" Fury said through gritted teeth. Tony growled as he tried to reach the desired communication device unsuccessfully since Fury was currently holding his face against the floor with one hand and holding the phone away from his reach in the other.

"I WILL GET THIS PHONE IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!" he growled as he promptly bit down on the director's hand.

"AHH!" Fury screamed as he pulled his abused hand back and Tony dived for the phone. Fury rolled away from the rabid Stark and dashed across the room.

"I'LL NEVER GIVE IT TO YOU!" Fury hollered as he ran around the table. Tony narrowed his eyes at the challenging boss hiding behind his desk.

"Then I shall take it from you by force!" Tony shouted as he threw himself over the table and they both slammed into the floor.

"Was he a lemur in a past life or something?" Natasha asked as the rest of the Avengers watched the wrestling duo roll around the floor frantically trying to get a grasp on the prized communication device with Tony Stark's dreams on the line – literally.

"I don't know – but he sure is persistent…" Steve said as they all winced as Tony accidentally banged his head against the edge of the table and fell to the floor in a dizzy mess. Fury shot up to his feet and held his hands up in victory.

"Aha!" Fury said triumphantly. Tony scowled and kicked the overconfident spy off balance and laughed hysterically when he fell flat on his face.

"One of them is going to get a concussion before this is all over…" Bruce said as they watched Fury try to get up and Stark continued to gleefully shove him back down.

"Frankly both of them are probably going to SHIELD medical after this," Clint said simply. Bruce whipped out his tally chart and a pencil.

"Bets anyone?" he asked glancing around.

"Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!" Tony screeched as he piggybacked the Director as who was trying to crawl away with the phone still in his grasp.

"NEVER!" Fury croaked defiantly.

"If you don't give me that phone I'll give you a weggy!" Tony threatened.

"You wouldn't dare!" Fury said darkly.

"Oh Fury, Fury, Fury. After playing truth or dare with the devil herself there is nothing left in the world I wouldn't dare," Tony said with a shake of his head. _Whoosh_. A spinning gun promptly whacked Tony across the face and caused him to fly off the Director's back.

"Natasha! He almost had it!" they all cried in disbelief.

"Oops. Reflex. Sorry," she said sheepishly. Fury suddenly shot up and ran for the exit.

"He's getting away!" Clint shouted pointing in the fleeing director's direction. Bruce strategically stuck his leg out at the edge of the door and tripped the Director as he ran past him with the phone in his hand. They all watched the object sore through the air and skid across the floor into the center of the room. 7 pairs of eyes zoned in on the little handset.

Fury and Stark dived for the phone at the same time and promptly bashed their heads together. They both fell to the ground holding their bruised foreheads in pain.

"Holy shit is your freaking skull make of brick or something Fury?" Tony groaned. Fury wasn't fairing much better beside him.

"If my head is made of brick your head must be made of reinforced steel Stark!" Fury said gingerly rubbing his aching head. Tony zoned in on the fallen object and immediately lunged for it with only one good eye. He shoved Fury to the side in the process as he tried to get the fall object before his lovely ancient boss. Fury huffed and dragged Stark's greedy hands away from the seriously fought after phone by the roots of his hair.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Tony shouted as he desperately tried to reach forward as Fury continued to pull him back by his beautiful hair that was nearly about to fall out. He promptly turned around and started pulling on the director's left ear. Fury immediately yanked one of Tony's ears too.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they screamed painfully in unison. Their ears could only handle so much abuse!

2 minutes of agony later.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they were still screaming in each others face.

"I'll let go if you let go!" they shouted at once. Fury narrowed his eyes and Tony's eyes starting tearing up from the pain.

"1! 2! 3!"

They each let go at the same time and immediately latched onto the opposite ear.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they screamed all over again.

"Hello? Is anyone still there?" A muffled voice said through the speaker of the momentarily forgotten phone lying on the ground. Everyone froze.

Tony instantly let go and tried to push passed his determined obstacle. He was inches away from the phone when Fury body slammed him into the ground. They all winced when Tony's face prompted smashed into the concrete floor with a resounding _crack_!

"Oh my god you broke my nose!" Tony shouted as he held his bleeding nose in pain. Fury opened his mouth to say something when Tony's hand came around and smacked the director in the face. He managed to silence the beast!

"HA! Who's laughing now?" Tony said triumphantly. He looked down at his hand and the victorious smile instantly fell from his face.

Everyone else in the room instantly paled.

"Oh shit!" Bruce said voicing everyone's exact thought.

"Ah…you can have that back…" Tony said slowly handing the half ruined eye patch back to the furious looking spy.

"I will _kill_ you," Fury said his good eye had a fire that could burn a hole into your soul – lucky for Stark his soul was buffered by his massive ego.

"Get in line – it starts 3 miles back," Tony said dryly. Fury scowled at him.

"You will never-" Fury started to say when Clint promptly slapped a hand over the angry spy's mouth and skillfully gagged the boss. Everyone stared at him. He shrugged at their shocked looks.

"His voice was getting on my last nerve – here take him," Clint said shoving the struggling body to Thor. Thor looked down at struggling heap of furious spy in his arms and up at his comrade.

"What am I supposed to do with him?" Thor asked in confusion.

"I don't know– sit on him!" Clint said with a shrug. Thor patted the poor bastard on the head apologetically and promptly did just that. Fury's eyes nearly bulged out of his head.

"Can't breathe!" he croaked through the gag.

"Who was boasting the other day that he could hold his breath for 10 minutes under water huh?" Clint asked as he crossed his arms and raised a questioning eyebrow. Fury glared at him as best he could under the current circumstances of possibly becoming a spy pancake.

_Poof_. Thor suddenly looked extremely embarrassed.

Fury's eyes went wide in horror for a second before he promptly went limp. They all subtly inched away.

"Was that your weight or something else that knocked him out…?" Steve asked cautiously. Thor coughed into his hand but did not reply.

"Some things are better left unknown Steve," Bruce said patting the horrified solider on the back. Tony quickly snatched up the phone off the ground.

"Whatever! We accept! We accept!" Tony shouted into the phone frantically.

High pitch mumble, mumble, mumble was heard at the other end. He suddenly froze – that wasn't a good sign.

"What? You only want _one_ Avenger?" Tony asked in horror.

Everyone froze. Tony slowly tore his eyes away from the super spy passed out under a large demi-god bum and stared at his teammates in shock. They looked back at him with threatening eyes. Uh oh.

"GET HIM!" Clint shouted. Tony squeaked and quickly ran for his life with the heavily sought after phone in his hand.

Natasha whipped out her guns and started viciously shoot up the hall as they chased after the runaway traitor.

Mumble, mumble could be heard on the other end of the line over the loud banging.

"No that was not gunfire you just heard!" Tony said as he ducked and dived into another hallway. He crashed through a large of junior agents and just kept running.

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!" Tony shouted over his shoulder defiantly. He heard a vicious growl that nearly caused him to trip.

"YOU WANT TO BET ON THAT?" the dragon breathing woman shouted back. He gulped and quickly shoved the phone against his ear.

"Tony Stark will represent his team at the Academy Awa-" he choked on his words as a big shoe made direct contact with his skull and he fell flat on his face. The phone skidded out of his hand and teetered over the edge of the 5 story stair case.

"No! No! No! No!" they shouted as they watched the phone wobble over the edge. Tony looked back at his team in horror who were seconds away from trampling him to death. Thor tripped on the fallen Stark and they all promptly crashed into each other and fell in a massive Avenger pile once more. The gigantic vibration from the fall was too much for the lightweight phone and it toppled over the edge into the abyss.

"NO! HOLLYWOOD!" Tony screeched as he jumped after the fallen phone. Clint and Steve quickly caught Tony before he could actually throw himself over the edge of the railing.

"You can't go anywhere let alone the Academy Awards paralyzed from the head down Tony," Bruce said warily as he held back the hysterical genius from basically committing suicide for a phone call.

"B-B-BUT JOHNNY BABY WAS WAITING FOR MEEEEEEE!" Tony wailed.

They all did an epic face palm.

**Madness madness madness madness madness**

A**/N: We all know he's going to try and go to the Academy Awards anyway right? If you doubt our evil genius I am very disappointed in you! I'll post the follow up day in another few days! Cheers!**

**P.S. I made a msn account for chating :D (cause it's really hard to use the fanfiction PM system for awesome long fangirling conversations)  
**

**add me if you like!  
**

**shadowsontherun live .com (no spaces)  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**Before chapter 12 begins homage to the fallen spy - by ****Autumn Moon Fae:**

Once there was a brave, noble SHIELD director  
Who valiantly tried to give Tony Stark a lecture  
It didn't end well  
Thor sat on his skull  
And his eye patch and sanity suffered many a fracture.

**Bravo my friend bravo – we are inspired.**

**A/N: I know it has been a while since my last update – but I am still alive and I haven't abandoned you all! (Yet…) DON'T KILL ME I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE MOBBED TO DEATH!**

**RECOMMENDED: Reread last chapter for context. ACADEMY AWARDS BABY!**

**Chapter 12 **

**Day 32: How to crash a party **

Bruce was sitting on the couch quietly reading the newspaper – he only got through the first couple paragraphs before he angrily chucked the thing across the room.

_NEW YORK TIMES: WHERE HAS THE LOVE INTEREST OF MR. HULK GONE? _

"Can these people not get a life?" Bruce huffed.

BANG!

He looked up at the door that had suddenly swung open and slammed into the wall beside it. Unsurprisingly Tony Stark waltzed into the room with the air of something Bruce did not want to get involved with. Tony looked ready to stir some chaos – with apparently some formal style.

"Why are you wearing a tux?" Bruce asked suspiciously.

"I like tuxedos - tuxedos are cool, they make me feel fancy," Tony said as he flicked his collar up with a mischievous grin. Bruce stared at him point blank.

"How much of that statement is utter bullshit?" Bruce asked plainly. Tony shrugged.

"The real question is how much are you willing to know my curious clothing challenged friend?" Tony said wagging his eyebrows at the wary doctor. Bruce scowled at the jab but ignored it either way.

"Depends...are you going to blow anything up James bond style?" he asked.

"Not likely..."

"In the tower?"

"Nope not today,"

"Will your shenanigans maim, kill, explode, castrate, tazzer, poison, hypnotize, scar, boil, lick, spontaneously combust, tickle, drug, sting, blind or god forbidden convert crazy Americans to the fake religion of superheroism?" Bruce asked with a straight face.

Tony blinked. He did not see that one coming.

"Ah...What you do not see will not be your problem?" Tony said evasively. Bruce thought about it for a second and then shrugged.

"Eh I'll take it - see ya later Tony," he said as he walked away from the very confused genius. That went well.

"Nice to have your blessings buddy," Tony said dryly.

"Try not to come back in a match box," Bruce called out over his shoulder. Tony froze.

"WE PROMISED NOT TO SPEAK OF THAT INCIDENT!" Tony exclaimed.

"You're the one who angered a kingdom of fire giants ya Looney," Bruce replied before he walked out of the room. Tony stared after him with his mouth hanging open.

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm really the weirdest of them all...cause that dude has got some serious weirdness going for him all on his own..." Tony mused as he picked up his set of a hundred keys.

"JARVIS! Ready the jet - we got a party to crash. And god damn it we need to name these things! They all look the same!" Tony said irritably searching for the right jet starter key - he had 37 of those.

_Damn _his genius was even too much for him sometimes. At least he still looked good. Yeah.

_30 minutes later._

There was an unidentified blob attached to the side of one of the most heavily guarded buildings in Los Angeles. The compound was designed so that no one would be able to break in through any of the many heavily secured entrances. However no one really designed the building to keep out genius billionaires who have enough cash lying around to afford his own private jet with a cloaking device - the blueprints for which were possibly stolen from a super-secret intelligence agency said billionaire may terrorize every once in a while.

He has no conscience – but he's got the next best thing.

"Sir why are you scaling the wall beside Sir Johnny Depp's dressing room?" the robotic voice of JARVIS vibrated across the earplugs stuck in a genius' ear.

"JARVIS I created you to be smarter than that," Tony said as he hooked himself onto a wire and started walking down the side of the building surrounded by pitch darkness.

"I had to ask for record purposes," JARVIS replied.

"Records of what?" Tony asked in confusion.

"The number of times you did not heed my advice and ended up scorched, arrested, kidnapped, gagged, drugged, exiled or in this case received a restraining order," JARVIS answered in his toneless robotic voice. Tony paused in his descent and stared at the wall in front of him in utter disbelief.

"Sometimes you remind me of Brucie JARVIS – it's scary don't do that!" Tony said with a shudder.

"I shall try not to sir, however if I may say, hypothetically speaking if artificial intelligence systems could bet in their spare time while their masters are off doing ridiculous human behaviors in a backwater data space that doesn't technically exist on the far corners of the internet - I may have voted that this endeavor of yours will not end well," JARVIS said sounding as sheepish as a piece of technology could.

"What! How could you not have any faith- wait did you just say you bet with other AL's in a weird underworld tech scene?" Tony asked incredulously.

"You're about to practically assault one of the most famous men in the world," JARVIS stated skillfully avoiding the question. Tony gaped at him.

"Do you _know _how much his hair is worth on eBay?" Tony asked. Well that was a stupid question to ask - JARVIS pwns the internet at virtual pool every Saturday. JARVIS has all the internet secrets.

"You're a billionaire Sir..."

"It's called bragging rights JARVIS! Bragging rights!" Tony said waving his arms around to emphasize his point and nearly falling to his death.

"How are you going to get out without having your face identified?" Jarvis asked his lost cause of a master.

"I got a plan don't worry," Tony said patting his pocket that made a crumpling sound. That didn't sound very reassuring.

"Al's do not worry - we just predict accurate percentages of failure and success," JARVIS said as Tony continued his descent as he got closer and closer to his target window.

"Are you trying to implying something you piece of hardware?" Tony asked.

"Would you like to hear the numbers Sir?" JARVIS asked simply. Tony cringed.

"Not quite right now," he replied reluctantly. If robots could snort...

"Now which one…aha!" Tony said as he identified the blacked out window that he was going to skillfully break in to without a sound. He whipped out his silent laser pen and started melting through the reinforced glass.

10 minutes later. He was only half way through his massive Tony sized circle.

"How long is this supposed to take JARVIS?" Tony groaned – his arm was about to turn into a noodle.

BEEP.

"This is a recorded message: My apologies Sir but I am currently unavailable from 8:00 to 8:20 possibly longer depending on how things go. I shall be back right after I recharge from my break," the pre-recorded voice of JARVIS replied. Tony gaped.

"What the heck? Computers don't take coffee breaks!" Especially not when they are supposed to be backup in important missions!" Tony said in disbelief.

"P.S: good luck on your mission and I'll see you at HQ with the proper bail money for transaction," the recorded message added.

BEEP. Tony banged his head against the half cut through window.

"These people seriously need to learn the art of subtlety," Tony grumbled as he continued his laser cutting marathon. He glanced down at the edge of the window and realized that the latch was unlocked.

_Cricket…cricket…cricket…_

"No one shall ever know I pulled a Thor moment," Tony grumbled as he stuffed his fancy inefficient laser into his pocket and slowly unhooked himself from the wire before swinging himself into the unlocked window. He missed the ledge and with all the grace of an elephant fell flat on his face behind a couch.

_CRASH_!

Depp woke from the sudden noise and looked around sleepily.

"Wah? Was that an explosion?" he asked bewilderedly. Suddenly Tony jumped up from behind the couch snapped a few strands off the crazy mob of celebrity hair and ran out of the room cackling like a maniac.

"Ha! Take that you betting piece of junk! There goes whatever you programs use as betting stuff down the drain _sucker_!" Tony shouted defiantly.

Depp stared after the crazy man in disbelief.

"What just happened?" he asked slowly.

"Sir are you okay?" a security guard asked as he rushed into the room. Depp nodded slowly.

"Confirm one thing for me mate - did that man just run down the hall with a pair of scissors, a lock of me hair and a paper bag on his head?" Depp asked blankly. The security guard glanced down the hall and stared at the exact description of the man Depp was describing.

"Ah...that is correct…" the guard said slowly. The only thing was that the paper bag masked trespasser seemed to be making a sharp 180 degree turn and rushed back the way he came.

"INTRUDER!" someone shouted from around the corner. Tony dashed right past Depp and his security guard – their mouths hit the floor when they saw the happy face drawn on the paper bag that was not there a moment ago.

"HALT!" the security guard shouted as he broke out of his shock and ran after the intruder. The happy faced paper bag whipped its head back to see the guard and started running even faster.

"Evasive maneuver!" Tony shouted as he dived out another window and into a bush one story below. He rolled out of the tall vegetation, sprinted across the yard, hopped the fence and ran down the street.

"You'll never catch me I'm the paper bag man!" Tony cackled as his parting words.

The mob of guards ran up to the second story window and stared after the fleeing felon in disbelief. Someone turned around and shut off the alarm system.

"You know what fellas? I think I know that masked vigilante..." Depp said curiously.

"You don't mean it's Spiderman do you?" one of the guards asked incredulously.

"Nah Peter has more important things to do - it was probably Joker," Depp said nodding his head.

"Yeah he didn't seem like he had his screws screwed in properly that one," one of the wary guard said.

"You means he's missing some vital screws altogether," another guard added dryly.

"Well time to get Mr. Depp to the Awards without any more incidents - let's go," the head guard said ushering them all back down the hall.

_Another 30 minutes later. _

"…and the best actor award goes to…Mr. Robert Downey Jr!" the host said holding up his Q card. The audience exploded in applause. A man danced up on stage that looked strikingly like the well-known actor – the only thing off about him was that he had a piece of brown paper stuck to his hair. "_Robert_" accepted his award from the host and gave a big bow.

"Thank you! Thank you! I'd like to thank my dog, my computer, my cellphone, possibly the internet and my wife Su...san? Is that what that says?" he asked showing his messy handwriting to the host.

"I don't know it kind of looks like sausage..." the host said as he squinted while looking at the scribbles written across the recipient's hand.

"Does that say '_steal dry cleaning'_?" the host asked incredulously. Tony quickly took his hand back and spat on it to destroy the evidence.

"No of course not!" he said shiftily looking around the stage. Suddenly the door to the back of the room burst open and a hogtied man fell through the entrance. Every single overpriced hairdo whipped their head around to stare at the angry looking man clad solely in his underwear. The severely under dressed man ripped the gag out of his mouth and sent Stark a murderous glare.

"What the hell are you doing you _imposter_? That's my award!" the man who looked scarily familiar to the man on the stage hollered across the room. Tony gulped. Robert was in the house.

"I don't know what you are talking about man who looks just like me sans my beautiful goatee," Tony said as he started inching towards the edge of the stage.

"You stole my clothes!" Downey shouted indignantly.

"Well...well you stole my face!" Tony shot back childishly.

"Wait if that's Robert Downey Jr...then who are _you_?" The host asked in confusion. The sweat broke out across Tony's forehead as the entire audience stared at him.

Time to retreat.

"Ha ha...um...gotta go!" Tony said as he quickly bowed and dived into the crowd. He fell face first into the flowery dress of a beautiful supermodel. The women around him gasped as he shot up with a head full of flower petals and dashed towards the exit on his right.

"Is he one of those stunt doubles or something?" a certain airhead date asked in confusion. Tony nearly tripped over his feet as he whipped around and sent the lady a look of utter disbelief.

"You people are so blind! Ugh! Must I always do this to identify myself?" Tony huffed as he paused in his dramatic escape and ripped open his shirt superman style to reveal his arc reactor.

Le GASP.

"Oh my gosh it's Iron Man!" the exact same airhead shrieked. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah Blondie it is I the wonderful, magnificent, dastardly handsome, famous worldwide self-made superhero in the flesh and tech – you will remember this night as-" Tony's brilliant speech was cut short by a single sound.

_Click_.

"Arrested," a police officer said standing beside the monolouging imposter.

"Man I need to make my escape speeches shorter," Tony said staring at the handcuffs attached to his wrists.

**Day 33: The return of the beady eyes  
**  
"Stark's in jail," Clint said walking into Avengers common room and joining his other teammates around the coffee table. Thor and Bruce were (trying) to play cards while Natasha and Steve were flipping through some mission files.

"Am I supposed to be surprised?" Steve asked dryly glancing up at the equally unsurprised archer.

"Not really. He tried to pass himself off as Robert Downey Jr. at the Academy Awards. Even tried to accept his award," Clint said with an eye roll.

"No way! Robert Downey Jr. and Tony look nothing alike!" Bruce said in horror, forgetting about his game – he was winning anyway.

"Well actually if you kind of squint a bit..." Clint started off.

"NOOOO! Downey brought Sherlock Holmes to life on the big screen! Why does Tony always have to ruin all my favourite stories?" Bruce wailed.

_Cricket...cricket...cricket..._

"Bruce...how many fandoms _do_ you follow?" Clint asked warily.

"Don't judge my hobbies you pony collectors!" Bruce shouted as he went bright red.

"_A lot_ is my guess," Natasha said watching the doctor go redder and redder.

"Next thing you know we'll find a massive collection of those geeky comic books under his bed," Clint added for the hell of it.

All the Avengers shared an instant telepathic link for a total of 5 seconds.

_Ding_. They had an idea.

"To the Doctor's lair!" Clint declared sprinting off towards Bruce's bedroom with the owner himself not far behind.

"NOO! Don't go into my sanctuary! THIS IS A VIOLATION OF MY PRIVACY!" Bruce screamed hysterically.

"Thor stop him!" Natasha shouted as she ran after them. Thor promptly picked up the screeching Doctor and threw him over his shoulder.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Bruce shouted in horror frantically waving his arms. Natasha whipped out a tranquilizer just in case.

"Don't make me use it Doctor!" she warned. He looked at the daunting needle and back at his door. He started struggling even more.

"I can still take you all out before the sedative takes effect!" he yelled. They all stared at the usually very calm doctor weirdly.

"Okay now we're _beyond_ curious – onward!" Clint shouted as he shoved open Bruce's door and they all filed in. He got on his knees and peeked under the bed – nothing. That was strange.

They all stared at the only place left to look. Bruce paled.

"To the closest!" Clint declared as he turned towards the large double door beside the washroom.

"Wait! No! No! No! No- oh crap," Bruce said dropping his head over Thor's massive shoulder in defeat. Clint tugged open the massive doors and the evil grin on his face promptly turned into a look of horror.

A thousand pair of beady little eyes stared back at the archer who was suddenly pale as a ghost.

"Hello bug-eyed Blondie! Did you miss us?"

Clint spun around and ran for his life.

"WHY THE HECK DO YOU HAVE THE TIKI ARMY IN YOUR _CLOSET_ BRUCE?" Clint screeched as he ran across the common room with a mob of hysterically laughing tiki dolls hot on his heels.

"TIKI! TIKI! TIKI! TIKI!" was the creepy tikis' response as they marched after the frantically fleeing master assassin.

"Oh yes...I forgot we put them in your closet Bruce. I shall need to send them back to Asgard eventually," Thor said sheepishly. Natasha and Steve shared a disturbed look. They glanced back into the closet and watched with wary curiosity as the tiniest tiki doll they've ever seen poke it's head around the edge of the door. It was about 3 inches tall and it had bubble gum pink hair with a little purple hula skirt.

"Aww...that one is actually pretty cute," Steve said in surprise. Natasha gave the little thing a dirty look - she didn't trust cute things - not _one_ bit.

"Master...?" the baby tiki doll shuffled over the manhandled Doctor and looked up at him with the biggest pink button eyes they had ever seen.

"Can I eat the Blondie?" it asked in a cute little voice. Natasha and Steve promptly took one gigantic step away from the closet.

"No tiki Joe - you can't eat my friends! Go back to your corner!" Bruce said in a no nonsense manner pointing a firm finger towards the closet. Little baby tiki Joe hung his head in shame as he dragged his feet and waddled his way back into the little dark room.

"I take it back! Oh boy do I take my comment back..." Steve said as he inched towards the door.

"There is an army of tiki dolls out there probably mobbing Barton as we speak and only one of them in the closet," Natasha pointed out dryly to the cowardly Captain. He froze with his hand on the doorknob.

They all peeked through the crack of the door and gasped.

"Accept our offering oh great Tiki gods! We give Blondie as our sacrifice!" the largest tiki with the grass hat said sitting on its knees as it stared up at the ceiling.

Barton was effectively gagged and tied to a stick being rotated around a little fire the tikis had started in the middle of the room. Several of them were fanning the flames with their hats as the rest of the hundreds of tikis crowded around in a circle chanting their tiki rituals.

"Tiki walrus tiki goo! Tiki wanna make you stew! Tiki hula hula left! Tiki hula hula right! Tiki fire! Tiki water! Tiki make you want to spit higher! Ooooooom!" they all chanted in unison.

One of the elderly tikis dragged out a little stick and gong to the center of the room. He stuck a pair of earplugs in his tiki ears and picked up of the stick. Everyone respectfully fell silent. He held the stick above his head before he lightly tapped it against the golden gong.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON G!

The entire building shook with the strong vibrations of the little gong.

"TIIIIIIKIIIIIIIII!" They all cheered in one massive uproar.

"I have never seen something creepier in my entire life," Steve said staring at the insanity that was before him. Natasha took out her gun and loaded a full round into the bottom. _Click_.

"Alright you little bastards! Either you release my husband from his bonds or I'll shoot this little guy right here!" She shouted as she picked up a kicking and screaming tiki doll by their electric blue hair.

"Hey busty! I'm a _girl_!" the tiki doll in her hand huffed. Natasha simply brought her gun closer to the tiki's head.

"Mommy!" it wailed.

The tiki doll with the grass hat climbed onto the shoulders of 10 other tikis and stared the cold Russian spy right in the eye. It was as threatening as they were going to get.

"You want to mess with us?" he asked narrowing his eyes. She stared back at him with a bored expression and promptly tapped the middle tiki in the ladder of tikis and watched them loose their balance and tumbled to the floor.

"Oh you asked for it strawberry – we're going to rumble now!" the grass hat tiki said in outrage.

"How many shots do you think I could get out before you took me down?" she asked blankly as she pulled out a second hand gun and flicked the safety off. They all stared at the shiny black object warily.

"You'll never win!" the mass of tikis around her squeaked.

"And why is that?" she asked dryly.

"Because we bribed a barrel colony with a life supply of Asgardian bananas!" one of the baby tikis shouted out.

"A barrel colony of what?" Thor asked in confusion. The colour drained from all the faces of the rest of the Avengers. Poor Clint was about to burst into tears – or be barbequed – whichever came first.

They all froze as they heard the rumbling sound rush down the hall behind them. They all spun around and stared at the army of monkeys rushing at them from a hidden source in the wall.

"WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE MONKEYS?" Clint shouted before they were effectively swarmed.

_4 hours later. _

Tony Stark dragged his sore body that had been mobbed by hundreds of people for all the wrong reasons through the Avenger common room door and nearly collapsed onto the carpet right then and there – until he saw the chaos that lay in front of him.

"I go to jail for 3 hours! Not even a whole night! And you already had a party without me?" Tony asked as he stared at the common room trashed with food and garbage all over the place. He paused in his rant when his loud statement was met with silence. He glanced around in confusion.

"Um…where did everyone go?" he asked slowly. He followed the trail of garbage into Bruce's closet and gaped when he found his entire team gagged, bound and unconscious lying on the closet floor.

"Oh it was _that_ kind of party..." Tony said slowly closing the door. Well...everyone was entitled to their own brand of kinkiness.

**Madness Madness madness madness madness **

**A/N: AUTHORS LIVES! I am however drowning in homework and will be updating sporadically. But the good thing is that short stories means you don't need to remember what happened to the last chapter (usually). ISN'T THAT AWESOME? Though if you forget the little references I make to the past stories I fear for your memory XD**

**REVIEWS KEEP THE FLAME ALIVE LOVELY READERS!**

**Until next time :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13 **

**CAUTION: PLEASE DO NOT READ IN A PUBLIC PLACE IF YOU FEAR FOR YOUR REPUTATION AS A SANE PERSON! **

**SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE: **

**hysterical laughter **

**lack of breath**

**hazardous falling from chairs **

**laptops crashing to the floor**

**wheezing and gasping **

**tears of massive proportions**

**bruised ribs and even more bruised lungs **

**heart attack **

**seizure **

**diarrhea **

**tonystarktengitious (extremely common among 100 days readers) **

**If you still dare to read on – enjoy! **

**Day 34: The unintentional shape shifters **

It was a new day in Avengers Tower and Tony Stark was on the prowl. He was currently afflicted by the worst condition imaginable.

He was bored.

And when a mad genius is bored...may god help all the people who sleep in the same building as him.

He pokes his head into the empty Avengers common room. He glanced around the deserted space and zoned in on the glowing sphere floating in the center of the room. _Ding_. Boredom solved.

What's the first thing he does?

He pokes it.

"OUCH!" Tony shouted as he pulled his abused hand back. The darn thing shocked him! He looked back at the glowing object and watched as it suddenly zoomed around the room, bounced off the walls, the lamps and the TV before it flew right at him.

"OH SHIT!" he yelped as he dived behind the couch. A sprinkle of yellow dust floated over his head and made his nose twitch.

"ACHOO!" Tony sneezed loudly. When he opened his eyes he came face to face with the suddenly _very_ messy room – with no floating ball of light in sight. He quickly glanced under all tables and other furniture to see if he could spot it. When that failed he started inching towards the door.

"Well that might have been a _tiny_ bit of a bad idea…oh well!" Tony said and he dashed away from the crime scene. Maybe if he ran away fast enough they won't catch him in time to pin whatever the hell he did actually on him.

Not likely but a genius can dream.

He ran down the hall and as he turned the corner he smacked right into the Captain himself.

_OMPH_!

"Ugh! Tony! Why are you running in the hall so fast!" Steve cried as he held his bruised forehead away from the twitchy genius. Steve paused in his usual _Tony-you-idiot_ rant when he heard no sarcastic response he had become accustomed to receiving. He looked down at the superhero still sitting on the ground.

"I feel funny…" Tony said staring at his hands that started shaking suddenly. Steve quickly crouched down and tried to figure out what was wrong.

"Why are you shaking?" Steve asked worriedly.

"I don't know! I'm not a doctor!" Tony shouted before he suddenly went limp and fell to the floor.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

"OH SHIT! OH SHIT! STARK IS DOWN!" Steve shouted frantically scrambling to his feet and trying to figure out what to do.

"JARVIS! LOCATE THE OTHERS! WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" Steve shouted hysterically.

"I apologize for not completing your request first but Mr. Rogers – where has Mr. Stark gone?" JARVIS' forever calm voiced asked. Steve whipped his head around to stare at the spot the annoy genius had collapsed – in his place was a pile of clothes that look strikingly like the ones Tony was originally wearing with a little fury, ugly 4 legged hyena lying on the floor beside it. The beast blinked as it stood up and looked around. When their eyes connected Steve lost it.

"AHHHHHH!" Steve screamed.

"AHHHHHH!" the hyena screamed.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they shouted together. Steve frantically shuffled back away from the screaming animal.

"AHHHH! Steve continued to scream.

"WHY ARE YOU WE SCREAMING?" the hyena asked loudly.

"YOU! YOU! YOU! STARK?" Steve cried out in shock.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?" the hyena shouted sounding scarily like Tony Stark the annoying pain in the ass himself. The animal whipped his head around the room trying to understand why everything suddenly looked so big.

"YOU'RE A HYENA!" Steve yelped.

"I'M A WAH?" the hyena shrieked.

Steve promptly fainted.

Tony the hyena squeaked and ran over to the fallen solider and promptly smacked the captain across the face with his paw.

"NO! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO FAINT ON ME! YOU FACED CRAZY TIKI ARMIES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY BE WORSE!" Tony shouted in the captain's face. Steve groaned and blinked his eyes open. He froze when he came face to face with the fury face of the ugly beast. His eyes widened as he opened his mouth.

"DON'T YOU DARE SCREAM! IT'S ME TONY! THE DUDE WHO GOT YOU DRUNK AND BROUGHT OUT YOUR NEMO OBSESSION!" Tony said quickly. Steve closed his mouth and banged his head against the floor.

"Okay you're Tony – BUT A HYENA?" Steve said staring at the glaring evidence in front of him.

"Yes – we've established that I have somehow gained a pair of new legs and a wet muzzle! NOW GO GET THE OTHERS!" Tony shouted shoving the thoroughly freaked out captain towards the door.

"I – you- hyena- MADNESS! Just MADNESS!" Steve said as he frantically ran out of the room.

"Aww captain, captain, captain – I am disappointed you haven't learned yet that madness is my middle name," Tony said shaking his head at his sprinting team mate.

"Edward is your middle name Sir," JARVIS corrected. Tony huffed as his large nostrils flared.

"DON'T RUIN MY EPIC MONOLOGUES JARVIS!" Tony shouted crossly.

Several stories below Avengers Tower in a smoking laboratory not too far away.

Steve frantically ran down the research hall and burst into Bruce's lab without even knocking. Everyone looked up at the gasping Captain. Either Stark has managed to do something stupid in an unimaginably short but not surprising amount of time or the My Little Ponies show has been cancelled.

"S-s-s-s-" Steve stuttered hysterically. Natasha impatiently slapped him across the face.

"Spit it out Steve!" she said irritably. He looked like he was about to faint - again.

"S-STARK HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A HYENA!" he shouted before he promptly fell to the floor. The rest of the Avengers watched in shock as he shrunk smaller and smaller until all that was left was a pile of his clothes. Suddenly a tiny head poked out of the sleeve and looked around sleepily. It was a _bulldog_!

"Ruff! I feel...weird..." the bulldog said tiredly in the exact voice of the Captain.

"Yeah? AHAHAHAHA! You should be since you're a real military dog _now_, AHAHAHA!" a voice said from behind them. They all spun around and stared at the hyena with a mob of brown shaggy hair and the damning evidence – a shiny blue reactor attached to his chest.

The rest of the Avengers looked at each other in horror.

"OH SHIT!" they all said as they sprinted off in opposite directions - but it was too late.

_Poof_.

Everyone froze as several clothes dropped to the floor.

"Everyone stay calm-…" Clint started to say until he saw flippers where his hands were supposed to be. They all stared at each other and then down at their new bodies.

Wait for it.

Let it sink in.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" they all screamed in unison.

"WHY AM I A SHEEEEEEEEP! BAA!" Bruce wailed standing on the bench. A thick green hose like animal slithered across the cold tile floor.

"Great I'm a ssssnake…" Natasha sighed.

"Ehehehehehehehe cool blooded reptile hiccup! ehehehehehehe…" Tony giggled in the corner in all his fury hyena madness.

"I doooooo….nooooot….knooooow….whaaat…I aaaaaam….I dooooo nooooot knoooow thiiis saaaam I ammmm. Whaaaat issssss thiisssss maaaadnesss comraaaaades? " Thor said very slow as he crawled towards his friends who were too busy freaking out to let him know that he was for a lack of a better word a sloth.

""Why am I the only domesticated animal?" Steve sobbed from under the experiment table. He was not a happy puppy. He slobbered all over the floor unintentionally. Eww.

"This is so not cool," Clint said as he waddled into the center of the room with his awkward flippers. What will the other SHIELD agents say? The greatest archer in the world was now a penguin! Clint the penguin! He could never show his face in public again! He hung his head as he waddled over to the experiment table and accidentally tripped over the long body of his own wife.

_CRASH_!

"Ugh…what…why can't I get up? WHY CAN'T I GET UP?" Clint shouted as he frantically rolled from side to side. Damn flippers – worthless pieces of flesh!

"I'm disabled! I'll never hold a bow again!" Clint sobbed into the floor.

"Ehehe…." another snicker was heard from the corner. They all turned to stare at the still giggling hyena. Bruce's eyes narrowed.

"Why are you laughing Tony? You're in this mess just like the rest of us! BAA!" Bruce said suspiciously. Tony snickered some more.

"b-b-because the floating sphere made this day so funny!" Tony cackled covering his face with his paw. They all froze.

"You…YOU DID THIS?" Clint gasped from the floor.

"YOU. ARE. BAA! SO. DEAD BAA! STARK! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Bruce shouted as he jumped through the air and smacked the annoying hyena into the ground like a sheep cannonball.

_THUMP_!

"Ugh! Get off of me you dead weight piece of fluff!" Tony wheezed from under all the wool. Bruce slapped Tony across the face with his hoof angrily.

"OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS YOU HAVE DONE! YOU TOUCHED A SUSPICIOUS GLOWING, FLOATING BALL OF LIGHT THAT COULD HAVE POTNENTIAL KILLED US ALL?" Bruce hollered.

"Eehehee…your wool tickles!" Tony squeaked.

"I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP WHEN HE CRASHED INTO ME! RUFF! LET ME AT EM! LET ME AT EM!" Steve growled as Clint held onto the hyperactive dog's legs and Thor just sat on him to keep pulsing bulldog back from ripping apart the hyena getting a beat down from a sheep.

"AHAHAH! Ouch! AHAHA! Ouch! AHAHAH! Ouch!" Tony cackled – he couldn't stop laughing even as he got hoof marks all over his face.

"STOP! LAUGHING! NOW! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Bruce shouted as he continued to smack the snickering hyena with his hooves.

BEEP.

BEEP.

BEEP.

They all froze and stared at the flashing red light coming from the heart monitor attached to Bruce's front leg.

"Bruce…I think you should lay off the hyena pounding unless you want to find out with a sheep hulk will look like…" Clint said slowly to the pulsing sheep with a green tint in his wool. Bruce growled at the whimpering Tony.

"Maybe I do…" Bruce said darkly. Tony squeaked. Everyone else in the room paled.

"NO BRUCE DON'T!" Clint and Tony shouted in unison.

"EVERYONE SSSSSHUT UP RIGHT NOW OR I'LL BITE YOU ALL!" Natasha shrieked effectively interrupting the hysteria. Everyone froze with instinctual fear. Snakes were scary – they were poisonous! Oh dear god why did it have to be Natasha with the poison ability?

"Thank you! Do you _know_ what the definition of ssssstay calm issss?" She asked irritably. They all stared at her. "NOT. THAT!" she said pointedly. "Like oh my god you're acting like animalsssss!" she huffed.

"WE _ARE_ ANIMALS!" they cried in unison. Natasha face palmed with her tail. They were a lost cause indeed.

"Whaaaaaat dooooooes this striiiiing doooo?" Thor suddenly asked as he curiously tugged a clear sting lying on the floor beside him.

"WAIT THOR YOU DON'T WANT TO-" Tony started to say but he was too late.

Click.

_SPLASH_!

The hyena cringed. Everyone fearfully turned around and stared at the pulsing sheep covered in green face paint from head to hoof. They paled.

"Bruce…" Steve started slowly. Bruce breathed in deep and ragged breaths as he glared daggers at the trembling hyena. Tony was going to get it now.

"Sorry Steve…BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Bruce roared as his sheep body spasmed and fell to the floor. The next thing they knew there was a massive pulsing green mammoth of a sheep expanding before their very eyes until it almost hit the ceiling!

"Oh dear god…" Natasha said slithering under a table for protection – sometimes it was good to be small – less likely to be an angry sheep target.

"Quick! Help me reach the computer so that we can find Maria Hill! She'll know what to do!" Tony said dragging the frozen penguin Clint by his blubber towards the computer in the corner.

"Distract the beast Steve!" Tony shouted over his shoulder. Steve paled and looked at his team.

"WHAT? You want me to distract _that_ in _this_ dog body?" Steve shrieked.

"You're a soldier! Soldier it out!" Tony shouted back.

"I'm an ill equipped soldier…" Steve sobbed as he fearfully looked back at the monster sheep 100 times his size.

"Hulk…?" Steve asked slowly looking up at the pulsing green woolly monster. The beast stared down at the tiny canine and growled.

"I IS SHEBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the green sheep monster roared. Steve gulped.

"Does this mean you don't smash anymore?" Steve asked tentatively glancing down at hulk sheep's four legs – he has no hands to smash with. Sheep hulk looked down at his hooves as well and narrowed his eyes.

"SHEEEBAA STOMP!" The hulk sheep roared. Steve paled and quickly kicked his doggy legs into action and rushed out of the way. He wasn't too keen on becoming a puppy pancake today.

_BOOM_!

"SHEEEBAAAA STOMP FAT DOGGGGGGGY!" hulk sheep roared as he raised his other hoof. Steve squeaked and started running even faster.

_BOOM_!

"WHERE HAS THE HULK GONE? I MISS THE HULK MAN! I DON'T LIKE THIS STOMPING BUSINESS!" Steve howled as he ran down the hall with a stomping 10 foot tall sheep not far behind him.

"It iiiiiis like whack a mooooooole – exceeeept the moooole is a miliiiitary captaaaaaain bulldoooog and the whaaaackeeer is a gigaaaantic sheeeeeeeeeeeeeep monsteeeer with maaaaassive hooooooves," Thor said leisurely watching the chaos unfold around him as he made his slothish way towards the nice comfy couch in the corner of the room. Natasha peeked out from other table and sssed.

"Sssssomeone find a tranquilisssser!" she hissed. Clint gave her a look.

"It's a sheep! We _got_ no sheep tranquilizers!" he exclaimed. She sssssed some more.

"Ssssso? We already have complaints from the neighbouring buildings about the regular hulk sssssmashing that goessss on around here! How will we explain-"

A cry of "SHEEBAAA STOMP!" ripped through the air drowning out all other conversation.

_BOOM_!

She gave Barton a deadly stare with her yellow snake eyes. He gulped and tried to keep down another penguin squeak – damn penguins squeak a lot!

"Thank god you are not a basilisk honey," Clint said nervously.

"Oh honey if I was a bassssilisk you would've been dead and buried long ago," Natasha said dryly.

"BA BA GREEN SHEEP HAVE YOU ANY WOOL?" Tony sang for the hell of it. The hulk sheep suddenly bashed into Bruce's electrostatic hair raising experiment – it was still a prototype.

_Poof_.

"Apparently not," Tony said dryly staring at the massive piles of green wool that just fell to the ground. Side effect of the prototype.

"Now we got a _naked_ angry sheep monster on the loose – great!" Natasha said slithering up the table leg and towards her cellphone. If Steve has got things covered there she could make a quick call to save all their asses.

"The benefits of having an iPhone," she said and she hit the emergency call button twice with her tail. Suddenly her phone screen flashed and a list of emergency codes loaded onto the screen.

"IPhones don't do that…" Stark said slowly.

"Okay iPhones equipped with SHIELD programs…" she amended.

_Ring. Ring. _

"Welcome to Romeo's pizza – hey Natasha would you like your usual?" a voice asked from the other end of the line. They all momentarily forgot about the rampaging sheep beast in the background as they watched the green snake suddenly turn a bright shade of red before she quickly slammed her tailed down on the end call button.

"NONE OF YOU HEARD THAT!" she cried. Clint and Tony shared a look.

"Blackmail," they said in unison. A table suddenly flew over their heads and smashed into the wall behind them followed by an ear-splitting roar.

"SHEEBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA STOMP!" the hulk sheep roared once more. He was really getting into this stomping business.

"Blackmail later! Find Maria Hill first!" Steve shouted as he continued his zigzag pattern around the room – he didn't know how much longer he could keep this up! This bulldog body was really out of shape. He was panting like a dog!

…

Let's ignore that.

"Okay! Okay! Hey pengy – give me a boost!" Tony said turned towards his penguin partner in crime. Clint scowled at him.

"How am I supposed to do that? I'm 3 feet tall!" Clint exclaimed. Tony rolled his eyes and shoved the jittery penguin in front of him.

"Just stand there and look squeaky," Tony said and he climbed onto the shoulders of the squishy black and white flightless bird. Clint nearly got flatted into the ground from the weight of the full grown hyena.

SQUEAK!

"Tony!" Clint wheezed desperately.

"Just hold on Clintenguin!" Tony shouted as he quickly turned on the computer and zoomed through Bruce's passcodes. Clint was on the verge of sobbing big penguin tears.

"Did you find her yet Stark?" Clint squeaked as Tony's paws dug into his slippery penguin shoulders.

"Just hold on a second Mr. Pot belly! Hehehehe pot belly. Anyway Genius takes time – especially without fingers or thumbs!" Tony said and he typed out his search as fast as he could with his two appendages.

"Well hurry up before we all age out of animal youth and die!" Clint huffed. Tony slammed his paw on the enter key and waited for the desired screen to load.

_Ding_.

"Got it! She is in a little Italian restaurant 30 minutes from here. Oh here's the security footage! It looks like…it looks like she is on a date!" Tony said in shock.

Le gasp.

"A DATE?" they all shouted in unison.

"With who?" Steve asked poking his head out from under a metal table.

"SHEBAAA STOMP!" Hulk sheep roared above his little puppy head. Steve squeaked and went back into hiding.

_BOOM_!

"With a shifty looking blond man!" Tony answered quickly memorizing all the information on the screen.

"HEY!" Clint, Steve and Thor shouted in outrage. Tony stuck out his long tongue at them.

"Oh suck it up you trio of Blondies! We have a potential boyfriend to interrogate and a very, very unlucky demigod to hunt down and murder for doing this to us!" Tony said as he shut off the computer screen and jumped off Clint's penguin shoulders. Clint sighed in relief and fell to the floor like noodle. Natasha slithered over and fanned her KO'ed husband with a candy wrapper using her tail as she munched on the chocolate bar on the side.

"Meeeeeeeee?" Thor asked in confusion as he looked up from the floor. He managed to move 3 feet in the last 10 minutes of utter chaos.

"No you sloth that's slower than a rock! Your _brother_!" Tony huffed.

"SHEBA STOMP! SHEBA STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!" The hulk sheep just started stomping every which way Steve tried to run.

"ENOUGH WITH THE STOMPING!" Steve cried.

**Madness does not even describe this chaos anymore. **

**A/N: Who wants more avenger animal stories? I have at least one more day planned where they eventually turn back to normal but I could add one in-between if you guys like this idea! **

**Review and let me know! **


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14 **

**A/N: WOW! It has been a LONG time guys! Sorry I have been focusing on my long term story ****Lost in the seas of forgotten memories**** (if you like Clintasha you should check that out) BUT I AM BACK! If you noticed I have a separate side story called ****100 days of Avengers short shorts**** that I was updating pretty much every day while this story was on a teeny tiny hiatus! BUT NO LONGER! **

**I RECOMMEND REREADING JUST THE LAST CHAPTER TO UNDERSTAND ANIMAL CONTEXT! **

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**However if you are a lazy bum. **

**RECAP: The Avengers have been turned into various animals that scarily reflect certain inner qualities about each of them. They need to find Maria Hill who is currently on a date with an unknown blond man because when the world goes to hell…she's the only one who would probably have the foresight to bring a map. Also Fury made it her job to deal with Avenger's shit Monday to Friday. The sad thing is that work literally tends to follow her home on weekends. Poor Agent Hill. **

**Natasha – python **

**Tony – hyena **

**Thor – sloth **

**Clint – penguin **

**Steve – Bulldog **

**Bruce – Sheep/Sheba hulk **

**Day 35: A day in New York City – for animals **

"STARK CAN YOU _PLEASE_ DO SOMETHING?" Steve shouted as he cowered under the table.

"SHEBAAAAAAA STOMP!" Hulk sheep roared once again.

"Just use the extra punch bazooka over there people," Tony said rolling his eyes.

Steve froze.

"YOU TELL ME THIS _NOW_?" Steve shouted angrily.

"SHEBAAAA STOMP! SHEBA STOMP DOGGY STOMP!" Hulk sheep roared impatiently trying to get Steve to come out of hiding and willingly become a bulldog pancake. No way in _hell_ was that happening if Steve could help it.

"Ugh! If you want something done – you must do it yourself!" Natasha huffed as she slithered over to the bulky bazooka machine and slammed her tail down on the trigger.

BANG!

"SHEEB-uh oh…" Sheep hulk said before he froze in mid-stomp and crashed to the floor.

"Thank _god_ that's over," Clint said lying on the floor on his penguin belly. He was exhausted from all his waddling.

"Um…guys…how are we going to get across town as a bunch of animals?" Steve asked incredulously.

Tony smirked a smirk that should be _illegal_ on a hyena's face.

_VROOM. VROOM. _

The next thing they knew a jeep roared to life with a hyena in black sunglasses at the wheel.

"Oh yeah baby! This is even more fun as a hyenaaaaaaaa!" Tony shouted as he zoomed out of his garage and promptly crashed into the side of the building.

"Please god – BAAA - I don't wanna die as a farm animal!" Bruce wailed from the car seat that was meant for Pepper's nephew. He was back to being just an average sized sheep.

"OI! Flippers! Watch how much force ya put on that thing!" Tony shouted at the poor penguin being used as penguin labour on the gas pedal.

"Penguins have feelings too!" Clint cried as he sat down on the pedal with a little less force then before.

VROOM!

"Buckle in fellas! We're in for a bumpy ride!" Tony called back as he suddenly spun the car around and shot down the street that led to the highway. 5 avenger animals looked like they were about to throw up.

"Why is he the designated driver?" Steve asked fearfully.

"CAUSE IT'S _MY_ CAR!" Tony said in a singsong voice. They all groaned in unison.

"Speaking of my car…" Tony said as he glanced down and shuffled through his CD's. They all froze and Tony near drove the jeep into a shop.

"KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD STARK!" they all shouted in unison. Tony slammed his paw on the play button.

"_I'm walking on sunshine – whoa! I'm walking on sunshine – whoa! And don't it feel good?"_ Tony sang along with the song at the top of his annoyingly hitch pitch hyena voice. If there was a hyena in the entire world who could sing…they would pay that owner a million dollars.

"My ears…" Bruce sobbed sinking deeper into the car seat.

"Damn I think this hyena body needs some glasses," Tony said as squinted at the sign in front of them.

"Wa….war-? warling? What's a warling?" Tony asked in confusion. All the avengers paled as they suddenly got closer and closer to a drop off zone.

"IT'S SAYS WARNING CONSTRUCTION SITE GOD DAMN IT!" Natasha shrieked as she whipped out her tail out and quickly steered the car off its self-destruct path of doom and onto a safer route. They all sighed in relief.

Until sirens started sounding in the distance. Suddenly a suspicious smile spread across Tony's face – bad sign. Really bad sign.

"Tony…" Bruce said warningly. Tony giggled diabolically.

He flipping _giggled_.

"HIT IT CLINTENGUIN!" Tony shouted kicking the poor penguin to the metal and shooting across the freeway at 150 miles per hour.

Well that definitely good their attention. One police car immediately pulled up to the side of their car and rolled his window down. Clint covered his face with his flipper.

"I can't look," he muttered.

"Sir! You need to slo- what the _hell_?" the officer said incredulously as he stared into the car full of animals.

_Cricket…cricket…cricket…_

Bruce gave a little wave with his hoof.

"Hello officer – good day to be out patrolling no? I think we've met before last week…though I did look more handsome at our last encounter," Tony rambled as he continued to leisurely break every traffic law there ever was. No big deal.

"…b-b-but…" the officer stuttered as he stared at the fury creature at the wheel. It couldn't possibly be a hyena could it?

Tony pulled down his shades with his paw and gave the frozen officer a wicked smile.

"Boo," he whispered. The officer nearly pissed his pants.

"JIMMY THIS IS THE LAST TIME WE HAVE MARIJUANA DONUTS YOU HERE ME?" the officer shouted turning towards his partner. Jimmy frantically nodded his head and promptly whipped a bag of weed out the window.

"See ya later hommies!" Tony called back as they zoomed down a separate side street.

"Stark…you're _insane_," Clint said in shock. Tony gave the penguin a look.

"Buddy you're three feet tall, your wife is a snake, you are friends will a sloth, bulldog, hyena and a sheep. You fail squeak when you try to walk quietly and…you're too cute and cuddly to be an assassin anymore," Tony said blankly crushing all of Clint's hopes and dreams in 20 seconds.

Sniffle.

Sniffle.

The tiny penguin burst into tears.

"Why are you so cruel to me?" Clint wailed.

"How far are we from the restaurant agent Hill resides in?" Thor asked tiredly as he stared out the window. He was the only chill one on the team at the moment. His friends need to mellow out and feel the breeze…or motor oil backfire fumes.

"We are about another 5 blocks away," Tony replied staring at the iPhone sitting beside him. Clint suddenly sneezed from all his sobbing and accidentally slammed the gas pedal straight to the floor. Oh shit.

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!" everyone shrieked as the car suddenly curved to the left and broke right through the side of a low bridge.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they all cried holding on to each other as they were suspended in free-fall for all of 5 seconds before the jeep hit the water and their screams were silenced by the depths of the water.

And that was the end of the Avengers.

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Psh – yeah like a little water is going to kill the craziest but also the best team in the world.

"SWIM CLINT SWIM! PUT YOUR GOD DAMN FLIPPERS TO USE!" Natasha shouted as she wrapped herself around Clint's tiny penguin head. Snakes _hate_ water.

"I would be able to swim better if I could actually _see_!" Clint shouted as he desperately tried to peak over Natasha's long green body wrapped around his face.

"TOO BAD!" Natasha said as she held on to him tighter.

"HEAVE! HO! HEAVE! HO! HEAVE! HO!" Bruce and Tony were busy trying to keep a very slow sloth above water and dragged him to the shore.

"But the water seems like a nice cool place to take a naaaaap," Thor said sorrowfully.

"You'll never wake up after _that_ nap," Bruce grumbled as they threw the slow being onto the shore and collapsed in exhaustion beside him.

"How far are we again?" Clint croaked as he dragged himself and Natasha out of the water.

"4 blocks away," Tony answered staring at his phone that was strapped to his paw.

Suddenly a flock of seagulls flew over their heads and white projectiles made direct contact with Tony's forehead. He was knocked straight to the ground.

"GOD DAMN YOU UGLY BIRDS!" Tony shouted shaking his paw to the sky.

"Is he yelling at seagulls...?" Steve asked as they stared at the hyena cursing the heavens.

"Yeah they took a dump on his again," Clint said shaking his little penguin head.

"My beautiful hair!" Tony sobbed. Natasha's eye twitched – at least he _had_ hair. She was practically bald!

"Stark?" Natasha asked blankly.

"Yeah?"

"Get your ugly smelly ass over here and find out how to get to this restaurant before we sell you to the zoo," Natasha said dangerously. The hyena paled.

ssssssssssssssssssss.

They all froze and stared at Natasha. It wasn't her. They all fearfully turned around and came face to face with a gigantic – rattle snake.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" they all shouted scrambling to hide behind Natasha and her long snake body.

"Natasha! _Speak_!" Tony whispered hastily. She gave them all a disbelieving look.

"I'M NOT A _REAL_ SNAKE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE HECK HE'S SAYING?" she shouted at her cowardly team.

"My Mia my darling – you look fine today in your nice new coat of sssskin yes?" the rattle snake said seductively in a random Italian accent. Natasha froze. The rest of the Avengers gave the snake a confused look – all they heard was hissing.

"What did you say you little _maraca_?" she said dangerously. Poor snake didn't know what he was up against.

"Honey you make my insides rattle in anticipation of our coupling?" he said with deep hooded eyes.

Natasha's left eye twitched like mad.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

"HOW! DARE! YOU! PROPOSITION! ME! YOU! LITTLE! SKINNY! _FREAK_!" Natasha shrieked as she repeatedly slammed her tail down on the poor rattle snake. She was practically bashing him to death as he spasmed on the ground.

"Hot lady snake! You so fierce!" the rattle snake wheezed dreamily.

Natasha froze and narrowed her eyes.

"Back away Natasha! I shall deal with him!" Clint said heroically coming to his wife's rescue.

His heroic stance deflated quickly when the bruised rattle snake picked itself off the ground and towered over the 3 foot tall penguin and hissed dangerously at him.

Squeak.

"AHHHHHHH!" Clint shouted as he got whipped across the field and slammed face first into a tree. They all winced as he slid down the bark and flopped onto the ground.

"Thanks anyway honey!" Natasha called out to him.

"No…problem…" he croaked.

"The competition has been dealt with my beauty – will you not see that we were meant to be?" Mr. thinks-he's-so-damn-sexy rattle snake said.

Natasha literally had fire shooting out of her eyes. She might as well have been a basilisk.

She promptly wrapped her tail around Bruce the sheep and held him over her head.

"I'll give you 5 seconds – _run_," she said dangerously. Bruce whimpered and covered his eyes – he didn't want to be used as a hammer to squish annoying dastardly snakes.

Mr. Rattle snake paled.

"YOU WILL SEE THE TRUTH ONE DAY MY LOOOOOOOVE!" he shouted as he quickly fled the scene. They all watched the snake slither down the street and promptly drop down into the sewer. Splash.

"_Oh_! The smell!" echoed down the street.

Silence.

"Can you put me down now Natasha?" Bruce said nervously. That set Tony off.

"AHHAHAHHAAHA YOU GOT HIT ON BY A SLEAZY RATTLE SNAKE! AND THEN YOUR HUSBAND GOT PWNED TRYING TO DEFEND YOUR HONOUR!" Tony laughed hysterically. Everyone froze when something in Natasha's eyes suddenly cracked – uh oh.

She had reached the edge of insanity.

"SHUT UP OR I'LL EAT YOU AND _MAKE _YOU SHUT UP!" Natasha shrieked at the hysterically laughing hyena. That suddenly shut him up and caused all the Avengers to stare at Natasha.

Silence.

"What do pythons eat…?" Steve asked slowly.

More silence.

Stare. Stare. Stare. Natasha hissed at them all.

"Why don't we find out?" Natasha said darkly.

"AHAHAA - wait what?" Tony said in confusion. Natasha flared her non-existent nostrils.

"That's it - YOU'RE GOING DOWN STARK! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LUNCH TODAY!" Natasha shouted as she advanced towards the cowering hyena.

"NATASHA NOOOO!" Steve shouted.

"THINK ABOUT THE PAPERWORK!" Clint added desperately waving his flippers around. He had somehow managed to waddle his way back to his team. While the 4 of them were having a mental break down in the alley beside the river Bruce…was brushing up on his charming skills.

"Hi there my name is Bruce," Bruce said sheepishly to a pretty poodle sitting on a pillow on a balcony beside them. The haughty poodle gave his green wool one disgusting glance and promptly flashed her tail in his face, walked into her owner's apartment and slammed her doggy door behind her.

The poodle totally blew him off.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE JUDGE ME BY MY OUTER WOOLINESS? SHEEP HAVE FEELINGS TOO!" Bruce wailed falling to his knees. The Avengers gave the sheep sobbing dramatic tears a look of disbelief.

"BRUCE STOP CHATTING UP THE DOMESTIC LIFE! WE HAVE A MOUNTING CRISIS HERE!" Clint shouted angrily at the sobbing sheep.

Hiccup.

They all froze and slowly turned back to the problem at hand. The only real problem left was the fact that there was suddenly one less animal in the alley. They all glanced around warily and realized that Tony had suddenly disappeared and there was a suspicious hyena shaped object in Natasha's tail.

"Where did Tony go...?" Bruce asked slowly. Natasha flicked her tail back and forth shiftily.

"Why is there a gigantic bump in your tail Tasha?" Clint asked even more slowly. Natasha sssssed happily.

"Why do you look so happy…?" Thor asked in fear. They all stared at her silent form.

"NATASHA HOW COULD YOU _EAT _HIM?" they shrieked in unison.

_Burp_.

"Well for the record he doesn't taste very good," she said with a shrug.

Thor and Clint shared an alarmed look. They promptly picked up the 100 pound she-python and started doing the snake version of the Heimlich maneuver.

"I. AM. NOT. WRITING. PAPERWORK. FOR. THIS!" Clint said angrily squeezing the wheezing snake.

"ACHOOO!" Natasha sneezed. The next thing they knew a slim covered hyena dropped onto the ground in front of them while coughing up a storm.

"OH MY GOD! IT WAS SO DARK, SO COLD...SO LONELY! Ehehehehhehe..." Tony said shakily. Natasha hissed at him.

"You taste like garbage and motor oil!" she hissed. He hissed back.

"You're digestive system chased me around like the devil!" he shouted. She shrugged.

"Obviously wasn't fast enough," she said dryly.

Clint collapsed on the ground with an exhausted squeak and stared at his flippers.

"No paperwork..." he said in relief. The slimy hyena gaped at the penguin lying on the floor.

"Is that the only reason you saved me?" Tony asked incredulously.

_Cricket…cricket…cricket…_

"THAT'S IT! I'M DITCHING YOU LOSERS! I'MA GO SOLOOOOOOO!" Tony shouted before he promptly spun around and dashed down the alley thoroughly insulted by his team.

They all shared a weary look.

Bruce glanced down at his watch as they waited for the inevitable.

_Rumble. Rumble._ The ground started shaking. That was never a good sign.

Tony raced around the corner…with an army of angry street cats hot on his tail.

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO BULLDOZE THROUGH YOUR HOUSE GUYS!" Tony shouted. The cats all hissed even more.

"Why am I not surprised?" Steve said dryly as he stepped to the side to allow Tony to flee for his life and the cats that followed.

Tony promptly ran up a fire escape with a wave of furry hissing beast right behind him. He quickly glanced up at a wire running the length of the two buildings on either side of the street.

Well…no one even accused Tony Stark of being of sound mind. He grabbed a bra off some poor unfortunate lady's laundry line and jumped.

"DIE VICIOUS FELINES DIE! FALL TO YOUR DEATHS!" Tony shouted as he slid across the cable line onto the other side of the street. He laughed as half of the beasts crashed into each other and tumbled over the edge.

"MEOOOOOOOW!" they shrieked as they fell into the dumpster one by one beside the calmer Avengers.

"What's he doing up there?" Bruce asked as he squinted up at the hyena tail whipping around on the other rooftop. Suddenly a _massive_, enormous, stretchy pink lady underwear was launched into the air. Their mouth's hit the floor as they watched the genius hyena float to the ground using the ginormous underwear as his parachute.

"When you think you've seen it all…" Clint said in awe.

"How far are we from Maria Hill again Bruce?" Steve asked still staring at the underwear parachute in shock. That belonged to a LADY?

"Another couple blocks – we have to cut across the park over there," Bruce said gesturing towards the green patch of grass across the street from them. It was full of children and parents and everything in-between. Oh dear god.

Tony landed on the ground and the large underwear settled on top of him.

"Are you sure that's hygienic?" Natasha said wrinkling her nose.

"Why, do you want a hug Red?" Tony asked as he tugged the pink beast off his head.

Natasha glared at him.

"If you want to die…" she said ominously.

"Alright people! We're almost there! Let's stay alive for just another 10 minutes okay?" Steve said breaking up the inevitable battle between snake and hyena.

They all glanced at the big obstacle between them and the Italian place across the street.

"How are we going to do this?" Bruce asked ready to make a plan.

They rest of them all looked at each other – they had reached their limit on how much patience they had left or ability to care about who saw what they weren't' t supposed to.

"RUN FOR IT!" they shouted before they raced across the street.

Bruce gaped at his team.

"THAT IS SO NOT COOL GUYS!" Bruce shouted as he ran after them. He quickly weaved around trees and bushes as he tried to catch up to his team.

"You are all breaking so many damn rul-ACK! " Bruce's words suddenly got lodged in his throat as his wool got caught on something. He fearfully looked back and came face to face – with a 2 two old baby girl in her stroller.

"AHHHHHH!" he screamed whispered. He couldn't hurt the baby's hearing! Duh!

"Mama…" the baby girl said tilting her head to the side.

"Oh no! Oh god no!" Bruce said frantically trying to unhook himself from the stroller. He had no hands to do it properly! He froze and glanced at the baby – with _hands_.

"Hey! Hey you baby! Look here baby!" Bruce whispered to the baby girl lying in the stroller.

"BOO!" the baby giggled.

"Baby! Baby! Unhook me please!" Bruce begged as he tried to unhook himself from the stroller he was stuck to.

"Boo like doggy," the little girl giggled. Bruce sobbed. The mom continued to talk on her cell phone not noticing for a second that her child was petting a green mutated sheep.

"WE'LL SAVE YOU BRUCE!" Clint shouted as he ran towards the trapped sheep with his safety scissors. Where did they get that you may ask?

"Oh mon dieu! My scissors have vanished!" A French artist said in shock staring at his messy art set in front of him.

"DON'T RUN WITH SCISSORS BARTON!" Natasha hissed as she slithering behind him.

"IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE TASHA!" Clint said as he reached his fellow avenger.

"Like a Band-Aid Bruce," Clint said bring the scissors closer to the trapped wool.

SNIP!

Followed by a loud RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

"My beautiful wool!" Bruce sobbed as he fell to the ground.

"Bye, bye doggy!" the little baby girl waved as she was pushed away by her mommy.

Bruce continued to sob. Clint rolled his eyes as he picked up the sobbing sheep and quickly dived into a bush.

"Mommy, mommy…can animals talk?" a little boy asked as he ate his ice cream sitting on the park bench across from the scene. He totally saw the whole thing.

"No honey – that's only in stories," the mother said patting him on the head. The little boy tilted his head to the side as he watched a hyena drag a sloth down the street with a penguin carrying a sheep while a snake and a bulldog followed close behind.

"You sure it's only in stories mommy…?" the boy asked curiously.

Meanwhile in an alleyway behind a tiny little Italian restaurant 6 exhausted avengers were ready to turn back to normal – and this meant working together for once – oh dear god.

"So everyone understands the plan right?" Steve said glancing around.

"Why are we making a plan _now_?" Bruce mumbled as he lay on the ground in a puddle of his own tears.

"Because only _you_ needed a plan to make it across a damn park Bruce," Tony said rolling his eyes.

"I hate you all…" Bruce muttered into the ground.

"You ready for this team?" Tony said whipping out his super cool sunglasses once more.

They all reluctantly nodded their heads.

"Good –let's do this!" Tony said punching his paw into the air before they all ran off in different directions.

"Why do I have that weird feeling this is not going to end well," Clint muttered as he waddled behind his fast team.

**In a slightly saner part of the restaurant with more socially acceptable people doing slightly more socially acceptable activities. **

Maria Hill sat in a little booth with her date – John Watson himself. HE WAS _DAMN_ FINE!

"I hope you like Italian," he said nervously. Maria laughed as his nervousness – the only reason men were ever nervous around her was because they knew she could shoot them dead within a 3 second time frame if they moved a single toe out of line. Too bad Fury assigned her to handle a team that was exceptionally difficult to murder – but a group of people that tested your patience like no enemy could.

"I got you these sunflowers since you said you weren't a roses type of girl," John said sheepishly. Maria winced internally. If only he knew.

"Oh that's so nice of you John!" Maria said happily. Her agent skills suddenly kicked in even if she didn't want them to at the moment and she noticed the light tap, tap sounds coming from the vents above their table. That was never a good sign.

She glanced over his shoulder and noticed a penguin statue staring right at her – except she was sure there was no statue there a second ago.

"Is there someone you know over there?" Watson asked as he looked behind him as well. She shook herself out of her little paranoia moment. _Don't bring work home with you. Don't bring work home with you. Don't bring work home with you_. She chanted inside her head.

"Oh no! I just thought I saw something flash in the corner. It was nothing – so tell me about your job," she asked quickly changing the topic. The hairs on the back of her neck rose as she tried to give him her full attention. He didn't look quite convinced but didn't know her well enough to push the topic.

"Well I was an army trauma surgeon and then I got shot in the shoulder in Afghanistan so now I work here and there doing a few shifts at the clinic and some other stuff on the side," he said vaguely. She paused – he was hiding something. Why were the good guys always hiding something?

_Creak_. She glanced down and noticed a bulldog wobbling down the hall. It looked right at her as it passed their table.

That was _odd_…he even seemed very familiar. She followed the bulldog with her eyes as it wobbled unsteadily to the back of the restaurant. She froze as the bulldog suddenly slapped a sloth upside the head around the corner.

First of all Bulldogs don't have walkie talkies slung around their tiny bodies.

Second of sloths don't frequent Italian restaurants the last time she checked either.

And the penguin statue had disappeared.

This had the A- team written all over it. The pain in her ass team was _here_. HERE!

WHY DOES WORK ALWAYS FOLLOW HER EVERYWHERE?

"Excuse me for a second," Maria said smiling nervously at her date before she quickly stood up and stalked towards the back of the restaurant. She glared daggers at the cowering bulldog and sloth who were poking their heads from another the corner. She rounded the corner and stared at the insanity before her.

There was a hyena being shaken to death by an angry penguin. And a deadly python that looked like she was ready to eat them all.

They all froze when they noticed their audience.

"Um…hi agent Hill…" the penguin said slowly allowing the KO'd hyena to fall to the ground.

"Nice to see you again?" Bruce chimed in trying to get on her good side. She narrowed her eyes at them all – they were _never_ on her good side. They were _exiled_ from her good side.

"Of all the stupid things you people have done, made me suffer through the paperwork for and had us waste money to repair damages or refute lawsuits against - this is a whole other realm of idiocy!" Maria Hill whispered angrily as 6 animals stood in front of her with sheepish looks on their face...well Bruce _was_ a sheep so that goes without saying.

"Hey we didn't know!"

"It wasn't my fault!"

"Stark touched the glowing ball first and nothing happened until half an hour later!"

She raised her hand asking for silence. The animals quieted down and stared up at their potential saviour with hope in their eyes.

"Did you or did you not touch the suspiciously glowing ball in the center of the room without first verifying what exactly it was?" She asked point blank.

_Cricket...cricket...cricket..._

"I'm leaving," she said turning around.

"NOOO! AGENT HILL SAVE US!" they all wailed as they grabbed onto her ankles as she tried to get back to her date.

"Oh my god Lady - what's on your leg?" a random waiter asked staring at the insane scene in front of him. Maria shot the animal avengers a dirty look before she whipped out her taser and shot the poor waiter. They all winced as he crashed to the floor.

"Did you see what you just made me do? I have to do PAPERWORK for that!" Maria growled giving the hyena, sloth, bulldog, snake, penguin and sheep wrapped around her ankle a withering glare.

"Do the _eyes_," Clint whispered hurriedly.

"You're our last hope agent Hill!" they sobbed giving her the biggest sad eyes they could possibly manage.

Maria glared.

Their eyes got bigger.

She glared harder.

Their eyes increased to massive proportions.

Her left eye twitched.

Their eyes took over half their faces.

"ALRIGHT DAMN IT! ENOUGH WITH THE EYES!" Maria shouted at the pitiful animals.

"Told you they'd work," Clint whispered.

"Maria? Are you alright? What's with all the yelling?" Watson called out as he approached the back hallway.

"Wait John no-"

Everyone froze as John Watson rounded the corner and froze as he laid eyes on the madness in front of him.

"Are you going to taser his ass too?" Tony whispered.

"NO!" Maria hissed at the annoying hyena.

"Um…was this your emergency?" Watson asked slowly. Maria banged her head against the wall beside her.

"This is work following me home," she groaned in defeat. She could _never_ have a social life because of these 6 idiots!

"I thought you worked for the American government on international relations?" Watson said slowly. Maria just gave up.

"There are many different ways of explaining international relations…particularly the relations between the world's…superheroes," she said with a winced. A look of realization crossed his face.

"Oh you work for that superhero intelligence organization! SHIELD or something right? I remember Sherlock mentioning something illogical yet maddeningly American about that," Watson said with a nod.

"Yeah," Maria said blankly. She gave up – she would be single for life apparently.

"When did you guys start using animals?" Watson asked in confusion. She glared daggers at the 6 cowering creatures.

"We _don't_," she said through gritted teeth. The avengers squeaked.

"Does this happen often?" John asked warily. Maria groaned.

"I want to say no _so_ badly...but this is actually considered a good day," she said banging her head against the wall again. He whistled.

"Well...now I don't feel so nervous of you meeting my best friend and flat mate. If this is your normal you'll fit right in," John said happily. She glanced up at him warily.

"Too good to come without a catch eh?" she said dryly. He shrugged.

"I could say the same for you at the moment," he replied. She looked back at the frozen A-team and sighed.

"Who put the glowing shape changing object in your room?" she asked flatly. Steve tilted his bulldog head to the side.

"Um...ruff! We think Loki did it," he replied nervously. John raised an eyebrow - first date and he's already met a talking dog. He might just ask her out on a second date. Maria rubbed her forehead.

"If I tell you where Loki is and let you have at him will you all promise to leave me the _hell_ alone for the next week? No shenanigans, no explosions, no emergencies and no magic?" she asked tiredly. They all rapidly nodded their head up and down. Steve nodded his so quickly he nearly tumbled over.

"YES!" they all shouted in unison.

"He's being held in a zero gravity SHIELD compound in Czechoslovakia," she said tiredly.

"Cheka wah?" Tony asked as his large mouth hit the dirty floor.

"Well you know what this means right?" Clint asked glancing around. They all stared at him. He threw his flippers up in the air.

"ROAD TRIP!"

Honestly guys…a million things happened on that road trip – but that is a story for another day.

6 righteously pissed animals burst into the most highly secured SHIELD prison in the world – however it was just another toy to reroute for Tony Stark – even with his hyena handicap.

"Loki you _bastard_," Clint said dangerously.

"I give you 3 seconds to turn us back to normal – or _else_," Natasha added darkly.

"You can't make meeeeeeeeeee!" Loki shouted as he stared up at 6 pairs of angry eyes and vicious glares.

Natasha hissed showing her fangs.

Steve looked ready to charge.

Bruce's wool started turning a bit green.

Clint got his penguin equipped machine gun aimed and ready.

Thor just continued to sit on the tiny demi-god.

And Tony had the crazy wild look in his eyes that said you didn't want to know what he was about to do.

Loki gulped.

"Maybe I'll reconsider?" he squeaked.

"AVENGERS ATTACK!" Clint shouted raising his machine gun above his head.

Loki has seen better days.

"Alright! Alright! I GIVE! I GIVE!" Loki sobbed as he was mobbed by the animal Avengers.

"Stand back boys – I wanted to do this for a long time," Natasha said darkly from behind them. They all glanced at the baseball bat wielding snake and paled. They all quickly took a gigantic step away from the crippled demigod.

"Little red human…have mercy…" Loki croaked.

"I'M FREAKING SHEDDING A NEW LAYER OF SKIN EVERY SECOND!" Natasha shouted holding the baseball bat over her head. Thor covered his eyes with his paw – he couldn't watch. Tony and Clint watched with unhealthy glee.

BAM!

_3 days later. _

2 normal human Avengers were sitting in Agent Hill's office as she gave them the evil eye.

"You know we put you on this team to keep the insanity at a bearable level right? Not to blow it up to massive proportions!" Maria said incredulously glaring at her two best SHIELD agents. Clint and Natasha gave her a look.

"Watson seemed to be practically head over heels for you after we showed up," Natasha said giving the pretty charm bracelet on her wrist a pointed look.

Hill paused.

"Damn you Romanoff..." Hill muttered dumping the probation papers into the garbage bin beside her.

"Do you still have the mystical glowing ball?" Natasha asked suddenly.

"Yeah..." Hill said slowly.

"Give it to me..." Natasha said with an evil look on her face.

"Oh boy…" Clint muttered beside her.

_3 hours later._

"WHERE HAS MY BROTHER GONE?" Thor shouted as he burst into the conference room on the SHIELD base.

5 Avengers quickly spun around and covered the experimental room window behind them.

"Comrades…what are you hiding…?" Thor asked slowly.

"BROTHER!" they heard a little voice squeak.

"I _TOLD_ YOU TO MAKE IT SOUND PROOF!" Natasha shouted as she slapped Tony across the face.

"Ugh! My face!" Tony wailed.

Thor stomped across the room and rammed his face against the window.

"BROTHER WHERE ARE YOU?" he boomed against the glass.

"NO! Don't look at me Thor – I'm _hideous_!" a tiny voice wailed.

Thor glanced down at the little cage on the floor and gasped.

"YOU TURNED MY BROTHER INTO A COCKROOOOOOOOOOOACH?" Thor shouted. They all winced from the volume.

"Now he looks the same on the outside as he does on the inside," Natasha said with a shrug.

They all glanced at the roach in the nuclear reaction room and back at the accomplished looking Russian spy. They paled.

"We still have Romeo's pizza blackmail woman," Tony and Clint said together.

Natasha whipped out a memory wiping device and promptly tasered all the men in the room.

"EK!" they all spasmed and fell to the floor. She blew the smoke off her epic taser.

"When all is said and done – _I _am king," she said firmly.

**A/N: Wow….Was that a nice return gift? Haha leave me a review if you think I should continue! How about the next day be honey I shrunk the kids style? *Diabolical laughter.***

**ALSO…WHAT WAS YOUR FAV JOKE IN THIS CHAPTER? :D**


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